As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.
I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!
How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.
I did want a hug.
Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.
But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying. Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)
I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.
Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.
I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?