Forcing myself to have some contact


As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.

I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!

How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.

I did want a hug.

Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.

But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying. Β Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)

I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.

Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.

I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?



11 thoughts on “Forcing myself to have some contact

  1. Am thinking of you. It`s horrible to have those hollow, alone feelings while needing to reach out but being unable.
    Am really sorry that Polly had to cancel….T`s always seem to cancel at the worst possible times, huh? Am hoping she can reschedule asap.

    you’re under no obligation to read, comment, like anyone’s blogs. do whatever you need to do to stay safe….am hoping with you that you’re able to get some rest and that it helps.

    sending lots of understanding and support your way.

  2. I know how you feel. I’ve been in the same weird space. It’s okay to back off for a bit, that’s what I’ve been doing. And getting the social support from reliable people, which sound like what you did with your friend. I’m hoping these feelings pass soon.

  3. Ok, I forgive you for not reaching out to me πŸ™‚ But now you did so I feel better. And I’m glad you did because you needed hugs and some of us did too only we didn’t want to say so. Its so hard sometimes. Easier to isolate. But keep reaching out. I miss you when you’re not around .

  4. Dear Brianna,

    I’m right there with you. I have therapy today and am enduring anxiety about it as I type. I need a hug too 😦

    Last 2 weeks were intense and I hope today goes better. Im new to blogging adn just started this week. Looking for fellow sufferers for support and information.

    • Hi! thanks for commenting and sharing πŸ™‚ ! I think you’ll find comfort in blogging as well, the people here are very nice.
      I hope you’ll feel better soon! Big hug!

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