Rational and sober?


Sober isn’t the right word though but I’m starting to think that rational and sober aren’t really working for me right now.
I had a terrible and ok day at the same time.

I’m glad I met up with my friend first, whom I asked because I was feeling bad, we had a nice time sat outside on a bench (sun was shining etc) and talked a bit. He asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t really able to talk about it, I told him a little bit and started crying immediately so I decided just not to talk about it.
After that I met up with another friend to go to a festival, it was fun. But I really felt clouds above my head. I think the fact that I had some (human)distraction was the only thing that stopped the rain from coming out of the clouds.

But as we walked home from the festival the clouds started smothering me. Though my friend was still with me, she saw I was about to burst in to tears.

I want so much to stay rational and not to let this feeling win. But it’s like I’m fighting on my own, maybe with 1 friend at my side, against 3 million soldiers.

I remember telling the friend I went to the festival with that the pain inside felt unbearable. It’s just too much. And as I got home and the tears came out, it really was awful. I know it sounds weird or dramatic.. but it’s at that point where I grab the couch with one hand just to keep a hold to something because the pain inside is so strong, so much, so overwhelming. It’s killing. and I don’t feel like I can take it on my own.
How can someone stay rational during that?!

Anyway, I emailed my therapist and decided (against my principles) to take an oxazepam. I just could not handle the evening and night any other way.
Tomorrow I will call the therapist I emailed.

When I’m looking back at all this stuff. The unstable-ness (I think) really started april 2nd. The morning I was last brought with the taxi to therapy. It was a terrible ride and I start crying right now, when I think about it. I immediately stopped taking the taxi. I remember getting out of the cab and I broke. I called my health insurance (they pay for the taxi) and I just cried on the phone telling them what happened and that I really didn’t want to be driven by that chauffeur anymore. They actually were very nice to me and usually the costumer has to make an official complaint. But I just couldn’t stop crying. They phoned me back an hour later, I was still crying, shaking, hyperventilating and that’s when they decided they would file the complaint for me.
The afternoon Abraham picked me up and I actually never used the taxi anymore.

I’m just wondering.. did that set me off? Was the trigger that big?

So.. right now. Drunk on medication is the only way for me to live. But I don’t want to go through life like a zombie. So why not shoot me right now?