It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

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Incomprehension

“I can hear you in a whisper, but you can’t even hear me screaming”
^You know that a ptsd symptom is being alert. That being alert can cause hearing whispers, and noticing the slightest sign from someone, a small change (for instance in someone’s mood).

There is one thing that hurts me terribly deep and actually pierces right through my soul.
It’s the fact that I, or for that matter Brenda, can scream my ass off in pure fear or agony and people still might not understand that I am afraid or in pain.

Misunderstandings – it’s like I’m communicating through a whole other language as opposed to all the other people who live on this planet.
Even you, the person who might be reading this, might not understand me. Yes, this is English and yes that is a common language spoken on planet Earth, but no you do not understand.

Right now I feel I can write a million words on my experience with cptsd and you still will not understand.
The rational/healthy part of me knows that’s not true, for example Abraham, understood. In some twisted way, or stupid wishful thinking, I thought that would be the door open to everyone understanding, or maybe the key to me finally learning the normal way of communicating. Turns out, Abraham was just a person who how to speak several languages, even the ones from a different planet. And realizing that, is a slap in the face.

I want to be understood, I want to be heard. Just as any other person would. Because in the end, we are all human. We all need to be loved. We all need attention > we all need to be heard.
Call me self-centered for focusing on me, but I need to be heard, and I don’t feel heard.
Sure, people listen to me, but they don’t understand me. They nod while I’m talking, they even lie to me and say ‘yeah of course, I understand’ and afterwards it must be done.

When someone said to me ‘I’ll be there for you’ he kind of meant ‘I’ll buy you a lollipop and everything will be better’
But when that person said ‘I’ll be there for you’ all I heard was ‘I want to make the emotional connection with you, support you emotionally, listen to you, make a bond’
To be honest, fuck the lollipop, it won’t make shit better. LISTEN to me. Hug me, BE THERE FOR ME.

In the end, the ironic thing is, I’m probably the only one bothered by this. (I’m not counting the other people with (for instance) ptsd issue’s, but only myself and my environment)
Because the average 21-year-old, would maybe love a lollipop, and maybe it would be better after that.
I’m an outcast for needing the emotional connection. Really feeling the bond of that person with me.

And all the above, the realization of all this, is painful, makes me ache, makes me cry, makes Brenda upset, makes me long for Brandon, makes me long for some form of stability.

Therapy today didn’t go all too well. Think a lot of things might have had an influence, but I think one of them might be that Brandon doesn’t work on Monday and there wasn’t really any other  save person available.

xoxo
Brianna

Edit;
Rational part wants to add something 😉
I realize something has set me off today to be thinking like this. Because frankly I have had a good past few days.
I feel I need to say a few things. This, what I wrote above, is very straight to the point, blunt and full of emotion. Pain, loneliness… and this is what it looks like, how it feels like, what I’m thinking when I’m going through it.
I do think something has triggered me today to be thinking like this, and of course the friend in person, to whom I’m talking to in this blog post (figuratively) is the main situation. So as my tired head is trying to say is that there was this situation of non understanding (trigger) > feelings of pain loneliness > thoughts as you can see above
And I think, the trigger, was a trigger, because not being heard or FEELING like I’m not being heard, is something that really sets me off.