I don’t even know what to say

Hi,

As today is monday, I had therapy.

It started out quite chaotic. I didn’t sleep well, and I got a call in the morning from the cab company that the taxi would be 20 minutes late (remember my last post? “I seem like a normal girl, on the outside”), since I knew my last reaction to the whole taxi-is-late, I tried to calm myself down with the thoughts of how it all turned out last time and it was okay to be late and I’d be able to get enough out of the therapy day in the end. (For me at that time it was very important to be at the beginning, because we discuss the weekend and to be honest, I really wanted to talk about mine, since I had a hard time, just in the hope that someone would notice me).

The taxi arrived (45 minutes late) and when I got at therapy I got in time to discuss my weekend after all! Only got stressed out a little so that’s a huge improvement from last time! 🙂
After that we had psycho-education. The topic was intimacy and trust. Well it’s not just the words that make me shiver. It was all very confronting, and I do remember the first few things said, and that it really felt like smack in the face (I even remember thinking at some point “Oh, I want to copy this into my blog! Because I really recognize myself in this!”), I did mention out loud that it was hard for me to read this because it was so confronting.

At the end of the whole psycho-education, Brenda was screaming her lungs out. The topic was something about sexuality and touching and… UGH. I just couldn’t keep control. I do remember someone asking me if I was still there with them, and I just don’t really know what happened, at some point I do remember looking her in the eyes and just being scared and not knowing how to use my voice and not wanting to use my voice. Afraid to talk. Afraid to even open up my mouth.
I walked out of the therapy room (away from the group, the therapist asked me if it would be good for me to take a walk, just to stay in the present).

I just don’t know where I went wrong. I remember being in the bathroom. With my head against the door and just pressing my fist against my mouth.
My head was all fuzzy.

Anyway, the whole day was weird and cloudy. I got the feeling that the therapists are mad at me and they don’t really like me. At the end of the day (which I struggled to get through, and often doubted if I should go ask for an individual talk) I just gave up and decided to go play nice and just go home. When it was my turn to talk about the day I said; “My day was okay! Tomorrow I’ll see Polly, and I’ll be here again on Wednesday”. And then the therapist asked me if I really was ok, and the whole thing sort of came out. No, I wasn’t ok. I felt horrible.

I felt and still feel like you all hate me! (I didn’t say that though, like they’d admit that to my face)

Did tell her I felt horrible and she told me she was glad I told the truth because she thought I felt bad.

Anyway, I still feel horrible. I feel so disconnected from my body. If I could describe it. My head is about 4 meters above the laptop, and above this body and these weird hands are typing this. I feel this weird feeling in the back of my head/neck and I don’t know.
xoxo
Brianna

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3 thoughts on “I don’t even know what to say

  1. Anything about touching or sexuality is a huge trigger for me, too. I tried talking to my therapist about it a couple months ago in the context of my relationship with my SO, and it triggered some major dissociation. I haven’t even tried talking about it again since then. It’s just too hard.

    I hope things settle down for you soon.

  2. Pingback: Is Therapy for You? - Depression and You

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