Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

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Will I learn how to be one of you someday?

Hi,

Do you recognize those times when you find yourself looking out the window, at the world and seeing the people living their lives of which you know nothing of (of course), but as ignorant as I am, I’m thinking their lives are pretty normal and I just want to be a part of them, be like them.
Sometimes I find myself staring out of the window for a while, just looking at them, somewhat jealous, curious, but in the end I always end up looking away because it gets too painful.

I do realize that I may be pushing myself further away from ‘you’ than I need to, by picturing this out loud. But to me it’s just a little thing of me, that happens every now and then. That describes the distance I feel between myself and society. I know everyone has their issue’s, every family, every person has troubles and problems and for that matter I could be walking to the store and someone else could be looking down at me thinking the same. Things are just not visible on the outside. Even if I made a chit-chat with the people down there, I wouldn’t know a thing. I’d only know, what they want me to know.

I feel this huge yearn for that life. That normal life. That ‘boring’, structured, everyday life.
It almost fascinates me..

Whatever you do.. I’ll do it to, show me everything and tell me how.

I wanna know
Can you show me?
I wanna know about these strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me! Something’s familiar about these strangers like me..


xoxo
Brianna

As good as it gets

Hi,

So….. the flu.
Sucks.

So I’ve been inside my house since thursday, and I’m going insane 😉
I think this is as good as it gets. My nose is still running and I’m still coughing like my lungs are trying to get out, but I guess it’s the best for now.

Tomorrow therapy again. The gym-therapy is canceled for tomorrow so I’ll only have therapy till 12.30 pm which is incredibly short. Brandon isn’t there, and IF I want to talk to someone they’ll probably tell me to talk to Betty.. Well how about no? Got a talk scheduled Wednesday with Brandon again so I’ll just wait till Wednesday.

There has been so much going on in my head and the flu on top of that. Now it feels like back to real life.. and real life means back to ptsd, and I don’t want that. To be honest I’m at that point again where I want to deny me having ptsd. I just don’t want to talk let alone think about it. I don’t have ptsd ok.

Got bad news past week as in, I’ll have to pay a lot for Polly next year due to budget cuts and I can’t afford it. So I’m probably gonna lose Polly, and with losing Polly goes my whole ‘back-to-school’ plan… Seriously? They want people to get out of the whole welfare situations, but they make it impossible cause everything that might help gets cut. What the hell!

I just wish I didn’t have this cptsd.
I wish somethings were a little easier

Nights are still horrible though. Got like 2 types of medication from the psychiatrist, 1 of them is addictive so I have to stop with it somewhere next week, but I’m supposed to sleep a lot better. Well… If 3 or 4 am is a lot better… then we’re on the same page. I just thought 1 am might be a lot better -_- anyway, the new medication does help with flashbacks and nightmares so that is comforting… hmm I didn’t even have a flashback this weekend… funny! Didn’t even realise.

Anyway.. still fighting 😉 like I have a choice..

survivor

So hopefully, I’m back and activ on WordPress again!

xoxo
Brianna