My current feelings about therapy

I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance  ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .

And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘

 

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No.. just no!

Hello,

 

You know that moment when you wake up and you’re just like ‘no… just NO’. It was ridiculous!
Yesterday I had a very good day! Therapy was amazing, had so much fun with the girls, got to know them a lot better and had a good talk with Brandon. Talked about possible volunteer work, and I actually found multiple things I like!!!!
Went to bed happy.

But then I woke up today and felt like crying. I don’t know why? The only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep the day away. I called Polly and asked her if it was ok to cancel our appointment today. Told her what was going on, and I was really NOT in the mood to talk. Just leave me alone, crying in my bed. Well, she said it was ok, and if I wanted to reschedule for saturday I could call her. Then I went back to bed and woke up at 2 pm. Felt a little better. Woke up all sweaty though. Baby girl was very stanch. Practically sitting on my face.

Got out  of bed at 3 pm and ate something. Listened to some music and now I’m on WordPress writing this. ( 5 pm)
I don’t even know what’s going on? I just felt SO terrible this morning without any reason. Such a good day yesterday, and then today.. BOOM. Crying, depressed, lonely.

Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.

There is not much on my mind, have been looking for some stuff on childhood trauma (actually looking for a book, which explains the treatment possibilities and stuff). But it’s really hard, well in Dutch it is.. I have one book called ‘Complex Trauma’ (Dutch book) and it was very helpful even though it’s meant for professionals, I understood it and it gave me more insights.
Maybe it’s not a good thing for me reading this, but I know me the best.. and I know my experiences, in therapy they don’t seem to want me to talk about them, so how can you ‘cure’ something of which you don’t know what the problem was.
I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘abuse’ > ‘A or B treatment’. I think it does depend on what kind of abuse and um especially how it made me feel and made me think. They don’t know that, so when I can find some tips on treatment or whatever, I would just really like to know. Dutch has my preference, but (easy! 😛 ) English isn’t bad as well. So if anyone has some tips, please let me know!

Talk to Betty about this? Hell no. Monday I have this dissociation tests or something with her. So the next time I might be able to talk to her about it would be 11 november. Well uhm, if you want me to move forward like snail, yeah, I could wait. And when I talk to her on the 11th, she’ll probably tell me to stop focussing on the past.

Last time I spoke to her she didn’t realize that I’ve been self-harming for that long and how it made everything more clear about how difficult it is for me to stop. Well DUH, if you won’t let me talk about it, you can’t know.
Lol, getting really angry now. Not worth it.
So yeah, looking for books and of course I’d like to minimize the trigger-content, so not really something about someone’s experience and the details about the trauma. But more about the effects of it when you’re an adult and the (possible) treatments.

xoxo
Brianna