I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .
And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘