Tears stream down on your face when you lose something you can’t replace
Sorry for the depressive opening, its how I feel right now. Not in control. Alone. Lost.
I guess the trigger from last night hit me harder than expected. I found myself glued to the couch because I was too afraid to go to bed. I did eventually, I took a sedative (diazepam) and went to sleep. I slept great, long, deep and dreamless. Just the way I like it. So I woke up good.
However then it totally went down hill. There wasn’t anything special that could’ve hit me today what could cause this feeling. Maybe the trigger yesterday evening was like the final drop? I don’t even know.
I have been dissociating a lot. I can’t recall 2/3 of the day so far. I havent been doing anything weird, just hanging around the house. (I know I can do weird things when I’m dissociating, the balcony door is locked and the key hidden, so that can’t be it. My body is fine, I don’t have any bruises/cuts. I ever go out the front door, so my guess is I’ve stayed inside).
I’m not feeling that bad though, just numb I guess. Not feeling the need to move. But I’m not tired.. I don’t see why I should go to bed, because I’m not tired (its 9 pm here). Kinda down.
However I don’t know how to react in these kind of situations. Should I be going outside? Should I take it slow? Think about the cause, or try not to?
I was supposed to clean the litter box today, I’m trying to build a schedule where I do once a week, and my mum the rest. Week after week, I do one day more, until I’m the only one.
I’m so scared of doing it, I really don’t want to. Brenda starts to whine when I think about doing it. I’m so scared of feeling the same way I did yesterday evening. So I’m not going to. Or is that stupid? Does that mean I’m avoiding it? Should I confront my fear? Or go with my hunch of doing that another time when I feel more stable? But then again, I’m never really stable.
I have so many questions for Betty/Brandon. I get to talk to her on monday, but we have 45 minutes and I feel I have more things to discuss.
– What can I do when I’m having a flashback? As far as I know; just let it be & it’ll go away. But its hard… and once makes me exhausted, twice desperate and thrice I lose my sanity.
– What should I do with the litter box? Clean it, and face the feeling afterwards or not?
– What to do about my mum? About her snapping out and reaching her limit.
– Was it ok for me to take the sedative friday night or should I have endured the feeling till it went away?
– I want to ask her if I can have her email address so that I could maybe write things down and send them to her so that’s she’s aware of it. (Not the stuff that needs direct attention, then I’ll call. But maybe questions like these)
(Then the normal questions)
– What happens after may 2014, where am I going?
– Do you think we can start EMDR treatment soon?
– What did you guys say about me in my evaluation?
– How do you think I’m doing? Am I moving forward?
– Can you PLEASE give me some advice on my uterus? (That thing has been giving me trouble since I got my first period. Plus the cramps trigger me. It’s not just while I’m having my period, that stupid uterus pains me all month-long)
Oh I also want to make an appointment with the psychiatrist about my medication. I kinda want something like diazepam for this kind of situations. But I’m not sure Betty will agree, because I need to endure the pain. But like i said before, the third time I really lose my sanity. So maybe I could endure it two times, and then take my medication. Then again, two times & medication. Or is that just stupid? I don’t want to avoid anything, but I do want to make it bearable.
Betty assured me there is no feeling in the world that could kill me or make me lose it. I am strong enough to withstand the feeling. Maybe I should put some kind of reminder somewhere so that I might see it when I’m being overwhelmed by emotion.
I don’t even know what the hell is wrong right now?
It’s not like I’m processing, because I don’t feel pain.. just numb/depressiveness. I’m not even aware if I’m pushing some feeling aside.
So, I’m doing the things now how I think they’re right. But I’m doubting myself so much, I don’t want to do it wrong.
Cant there just be a handbook for CPTSD? That they tell you step by step how to deal with everything?
Kinda wish I had Betty’s cellphone number.. *shame* I’d text her right now.
I guess that’s why they don’t do it, I’d get all clingy on her as well.
For now, I’m gonna keep doing the way I do.
Hope its ok.
Go to therapy again on monday!