WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS!
Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?
I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.
At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!
Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).
Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain
I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.
But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.
Gross, what a depressive post.
Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!