There is one thing that has been dominating my mind all day long.
It’s about a guy (lets call him Randy). We dated a few weeks and I was quite open about my history. He knew I had been abused and that I’m in therapy for PTSD (I never added the C because nobody knows what it means). I’ve had a REALLY bad year date-wise and I actually had totally given up on the idea that he would be something. After a few weeks of texting every now and then I agreed to meet him up. He picked me up with is car, which was a really big deal for me, because it shows effort and I am not used to that. So basically he acted like a real gentleman and it did sweep me of my feet.
He was kinda distant at first, which made me doubt things, but then we kissed. It felt really magical. I got all warm inside, something I really don’t usually. We took everything very slow and I really got the feeling he wanted to do things on my pace too. He (is?) didn’t seem like the kind of guy who sleeps around (nothing wrong with that, but that could mean that sex has to be special) so I thought we were both on the same page. I did break my own rule and had sex with him because everything felt so good. It was.
But then I started doubting everything. I got confused. ‘He was so sweet during the sex, why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe he thought it was terrible, or that I was terrible, maybe he noticed my used body and it disgusted him’. Lets just say, I was driving myself crazy. He is a very closed person so I wasnt sure (never really talked about my problems with him besides telling him that I’m in therapy and stuff) if I could be open with him. So I decided to ask him. He said yes, but I guess that’s were everything changed.
To sum it up, he broke it off like a week ago with a lame-ass excuse. Yesterday I talked to him and said I couldn’t be just friends with him as he wanted. I really didn’t understand how he could sleep with me and then just dump me.
He obviously didn’t see my point, which I can understand cause in my mind things can go very quickly, things can trigger etc. But I also felt he wasn’t trying to understand.
I did ask him the questions I needed to know before breaking all contact. It was very painful, they didn’t even make sense. Like how he doesn’t like my smoking? Well.. we met on a dating site and it said there that I smoke. We even talked about it before we met?! I feel like he’s pointing all those things out just to give himself a reason. One thing he said was that he’s more someone who likes to be surprised by life and stuff and that I need certainty. Well that’s true.. He’s not able or wiling to give that to me and that I can accept.
But the way everything went is just so painful. He said to me ‘after the first time sex, the tension wears of and people relax more and then you really get to know the other person, sometimes it just doesnt click’ are you serious???? You have to freaking sleep with someone to get to know the other person? Well I don’t? I really DONT understand that and it hurts that I feel like I really trusted him, too much. I expected too much. I’ll never get the normal answers, or the answers that will satisfy me. It’s not that I don’t want to hear anything negative, it’s that this doesn’t make sense to me. So then the thoughts come back like ‘yeah im used shit, nobody wants that’. Ok.. positive again.
Anyhow after a night of crying and feeling like shit I decided I didn’t have the time for time to heal my wounds. I’m in a hurry. So I visited healmybrokenheart.com and did the quiz and now I’m doing the lessons.
Yeah, it definitely still hurts but not as much as last night. I can’t even begin to explain how that felt. I described it to him as if I was ran over by a train, but somehow my outside was still intact. I felt terrible. No one there to comfort me like I wanted.. a hug or something.
Still the questions wonder in my mind. What is the truth? Yeah, I’ll never know. I’m defintely not willing to talk to him now or in the near future. I’m too full of emotion and not able to be an adult about it and probably let my emotion speak.
I do realize if he acts like this and (yeah im gonna bring it up again) says that sex is something that tells you if you fit, I dont even want to be with him. Yeah I like him, no.. I like who I thought he was. He now just seems like a cold person, made of stone.. youre gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul… Its the hurt talking right?
Its just really on my mind. Trying to understand, trying to deal with it (the pain mostly). I am positive I will find someone who wil be right for me. I am glad that it became clear quite quickly that he wasn’t. But why does it hurt then? It should be logical, he’s not right for me, ok bye bye. But my hearts acting stupid. Like, what is your problem? Youre asking to get hurt. Youre not even trying to protect yourself. < talking to my heart btw.
However, I found my trigger situations about him. Those are the late evenings/nights and I think I’m doing quite well, Cause im not watching my phone to see if he texted me. I know he wont. I dont want him to. Well maybe I do.. but then that he’d say something like ‘Im sorry’, it would make me feel better. Wouldnt change a thing though.. but just a little emotion from him. But thats too much to ask for.
Its not a bad guy, its really just the hurt talking. I know he’s more good than bad and that he didn’t try to hurt me intentionally.. but he did hurt me. (and isnt even trying to understand that he hurt me.. God, I’m getting angry again )
Live and let live right, I dont want to hurt him, It wouldnt make me feel better, I think it’d make me feel worse. I just wish…. yeah wish… someone was here, to hold my hand through this all. To hug me. To tell me I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be fine. Someone who I can be honest with. But I got to do it on my own. I got to learn ‘self-consilation’, and that’s what I’m doing now. Fix myself. Talk to myself. Tell myself it’ll be alright. Tell myself I’m an okay person. See the positive in me.
So I wanna end this drama-blog with some positivity. I’m going to bed anyways, its past midnight here and I have to be at therapy tomorrow at 9am.
Why would someone want me?
– I do have a sense of humor
– My laugh is funny
– I can be super excited about something tiny
– I have a warm heart, a lot to give, and I’ll give a lot if you ask me to and treat me well
– I’m creative
– I’m open. (This may be seen as something negative, but I personally dont, because I really want to work things out by talking about it. I do realize that makes me one of those talk-woman, but whats wrong with that? Why wouldn’t you want to talk? That I want to talk, means that I care, and I dont feel right when something between us doesn’t feel right.)
– I’m openminded
– I’m a good listener and give advice
– I’m not afraid of confronting people and give my opinion if I think that will help them further
– I’m honest
– When I give.. I’ll give 200%, I’ll have your back even when you did something that was wrong.
Damn, I gotta stop or my head will explode 😉
I’m a good person. I’m not bad, naughty or a whore. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.