Done

Is it christmas? Is it the that time of the year where it feels like most of the day it’s dark outside? Or is it just the trigger of that one person coming into my personal space?

I’m hoping it’s all three. Because that would mean the trigger didn’t bring me down as bad as I thought it would.
I can’t even say; back off. I can’t find the words, they’re stuck in my throat. All I can do is stare into the distance and wait. Fade away inside myself, into this emptiness. While a tiny part of me just wishes for some comfort, even if it’s from my mum. For someone to come save me. Get this thing away from me.

But it’s not my place. Not anymore. It can just go around and to its thing. No matter how it feels to me. I mean that’s what’s freedom is about right? It would take ages to write the whole story. Which wouldn’t even matter, because I like to clear my head while writing stuff down, but I’m just too scared that everyone would say it’s all in my head, my fault, that I’m overreacting.

At some point I was sitting and staring yesterday, and he touched the top of my head in a “comforting gesture” (makes me sick to my stomach), and I just kept on feeling his hand on my head, on top of my hair. Even though I knew, his hand wasn’t there anymore. After a while I just had to go rub my head against the wall to get his hand off of it.

This isn’t worth anything.
I’m done.

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Competing with the ‘She Wolf’

But I can’t compete with the she-wolf who has brought me to my knees, what do you see in those yellow eyes? Cause I’m falling to pieces.

Hi everyone,

It’s weird writing a blog in this state of mind. I maybe thought I was able to work through this, while I’m feeling like this. Write down my thoughts and stuff.
Obviously I’m not feeling well. Triggered by something, I really have no clue what. A little disappointed in myself (which is ridiculous of course, it goes with ups and downs). I used the lyrics from the song ‘She wolf’ because I do feel like that sometimes. I don’t know what David Guetta meant with the lyrics, it’s just how I readĀ them.

I do feel like two persons. The stable Brianna (Miss Stability) and Old Brianna, who functions as a she-wolf I guess. Anyway, she drags me down. She gets triggered. I just can’t compete with her, I don’t feel strong enough to resist her when she’s dragging me. (Maybe stable = head and old Brianna = body/feelings?)
I really don’t understand what the problem is, nothing major happened since my last blogpost, of course, I can think of a few things. But it might as well been something that I randomly thought and triggered me. It’s confusing for me to feel triggered, not knowing what it was (so that I could maybe ‘take it away’ for a while (like a comment on my Facebook). I’m glad I’m alone now, trying to avoid my phone, because I don’t want to snap out at anyone, but for people around me it’s difficult to see me get triggered or just have a mood swing. Well actually both. I refer to it as a trigger right now, because I do feel like I need to protect myself from something. It’s not even here. I’m trying to cover up myself with clothes and blankets, which is pointless (well 1 blanket is ok, but not 3/4) because it’s ON ME, the blanket can’t come between. With a moodswing.. I’m not entirely able to think clearly now, but I guess with a moodswing I get sad/angry for no ‘real’ reason and I dont experience flasback-y symptoms.
Well, I’ve been told not to fight, but endure, let it be, and it’ll go away. So I’m going to put on some music on YouTube.
I feel powerless against this ‘force’ that is touching me. I can’t do anything about it. Except reminding myself it’s not happening right now (BUT I FEEL IT RIGHT NOW!), keep breathing, try to keep my breathing through my tummy, not my chest. (Oh I do remember, I got uterus pain like an hour ago, maybe that triggered me.. (it went away though)
I can’t smoke, because the nicotine makes you more alert (or something like that?) which will just worsen the flashbacks.. at least so I have been told.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Just browsing on YouTube for video’s. I like the channel of Kurt Hugo Schneider, he’s a singer and makes this video’s of other unpopular but very good singers who cover songs. I really enjoy it, because I never heard a bad cover.
So I’m just writing here, as good as I can. ThousandĀ things are going through my mind though, can’t really keep track with them.

I do feel a stop now. It’s too much. I just can’t write a long while I’m feeling like this. Gonna calm down, get myself together, pick up the pieces and just keep moving.

I’ll be fine though, maybe I’m crawling through the mud now, but I know I can stand up.
I wont give up on me (or on us)!

Now I’m stronger than yesterday!

 

xoxo
Brianna