Competing with the ‘She Wolf’

But I can’t compete with the she-wolf who has brought me to my knees, what do you see in those yellow eyes? Cause I’m falling to pieces.

Hi everyone,

It’s weird writing a blog in this state of mind. I maybe thought I was able to work through this, while I’m feeling like this. Write down my thoughts and stuff.
Obviously I’m not feeling well. Triggered by something, I really have no clue what. A little disappointed in myself (which is ridiculous of course, it goes with ups and downs). I used the lyrics from the song ‘She wolf’ because I do feel like that sometimes. I don’t know what David Guetta meant with the lyrics, it’s just how I read them.

I do feel like two persons. The stable Brianna (Miss Stability) and Old Brianna, who functions as a she-wolf I guess. Anyway, she drags me down. She gets triggered. I just can’t compete with her, I don’t feel strong enough to resist her when she’s dragging me. (Maybe stable = head and old Brianna = body/feelings?)
I really don’t understand what the problem is, nothing major happened since my last blogpost, of course, I can think of a few things. But it might as well been something that I randomly thought and triggered me. It’s confusing for me to feel triggered, not knowing what it was (so that I could maybe ‘take it away’ for a while (like a comment on my Facebook). I’m glad I’m alone now, trying to avoid my phone, because I don’t want to snap out at anyone, but for people around me it’s difficult to see me get triggered or just have a mood swing. Well actually both. I refer to it as a trigger right now, because I do feel like I need to protect myself from something. It’s not even here. I’m trying to cover up myself with clothes and blankets, which is pointless (well 1 blanket is ok, but not 3/4) because it’s ON ME, the blanket can’t come between. With a moodswing.. I’m not entirely able to think clearly now, but I guess with a moodswing I get sad/angry for no ‘real’ reason and I dont experience flasback-y symptoms.
Well, I’ve been told not to fight, but endure, let it be, and it’ll go away. So I’m going to put on some music on YouTube.
I feel powerless against this ‘force’ that is touching me. I can’t do anything about it. Except reminding myself it’s not happening right now (BUT I FEEL IT RIGHT NOW!), keep breathing, try to keep my breathing through my tummy, not my chest. (Oh I do remember, I got uterus pain like an hour ago, maybe that triggered me.. (it went away though)
I can’t smoke, because the nicotine makes you more alert (or something like that?) which will just worsen the flashbacks.. at least so I have been told.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Just browsing on YouTube for video’s. I like the channel of Kurt Hugo Schneider, he’s a singer and makes this video’s of other unpopular but very good singers who cover songs. I really enjoy it, because I never heard a bad cover.
So I’m just writing here, as good as I can. Thousand things are going through my mind though, can’t really keep track with them.

I do feel a stop now. It’s too much. I just can’t write a long while I’m feeling like this. Gonna calm down, get myself together, pick up the pieces and just keep moving.

I’ll be fine though, maybe I’m crawling through the mud now, but I know I can stand up.
I wont give up on me (or on us)!

Now I’m stronger than yesterday!

 

xoxo
Brianna

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5 thoughts on “Competing with the ‘She Wolf’

  1. I understand the way you’re feeling sweety.
    Look, there don’t always has to be reason for you to feel in a certain way. Sometimes you just feel something, like waking up in a bad mood. It’s ok. These things just happen. These feelings will fade eventually.

    Take good care of yourself. Try to make a bodyscan (head to toes, what are you feeling, what do you need). [I then do this sometimes:] Then make a list of all the needs you’ve come up with. If you’re done doing that, write ways down to fill in the needs, while imagining how that would make you feel.
    After that start acting on the list you made. You notice it’ll calm you down to just listen to yourself with all your awareness…

    I’m with you. You are not alone in this.
    You will get through.

    I need to tell you this: Stop judging yourself and your actions. That’ll make you feel worse. When you feel like you need those blankets, it’s absolutely no big deal when they don’t help. You’re mind and body still tell you, you need them. It’s good to act on that without judging. You understand what I’m saying here? Things don’t always help, but the acting on your needs can soothe you. Sometimes all you need is just being there for you.

    Stop caring about miss stability or old Bri who’s in control. Just let them be. They’re all you and that’s what gives them every right to exist.
    I like the idea of head (stability) vs body (instability), but I don’t think that’s true though. You listened to yourself when you felt stable, also to your bodyneeds. I think it’s more like this: Stability: Realizing you’re in a progress, working on being in the present and taking care of yourself. Instability: Insecurity.
    Everybody is insecure about things, Bri. Tell yourself that.
    You’re doing just fine sweety.

    Take good care!
    Hugs!

    • Thanks so much for your sweet comment, though I feel like I dont deserve it. I asked myself ‘why doesnt she cuss at me? I am being such a drama queen/bitch’ My mood swings back and forth, from feeling ok to helpless. I’ll try to do what i need without judging.
      I’m sorry sweety, youre being so nice and supportive and I just fall down, I feel like I need to be punished for that. I’ll stop now, not able to think that rational I guess.
      Thanks.. Your sweet words make me confused but I’m trying to let the words in and believe/accept them. I do believe you mean what you say!! Dont get me wrong. Cant seem to say what I really mean.
      Anyway, thanks so much!
      Im sorry if this all seems weird and not understandable.
      Hugs

  2. Did I ever go away when you felt bad in the time we’ve known eachother?
    Did I ever get angry with you?
    Did I ever judge you?

    I didn’t do any of these things because you don’t deserve them. You deserve kindness, love, warmth!

    Remember what I told you before you don’t have to feel things all the time or believe them. You just need to tell yourself you know them deep down inside…

    I’m going to be very straightforward with you here:
    You are doing what you know best. You keep abusing yourself. You keep going what happened to you. When you feel sad, you tend to act in a way you know. But that’s not healthy. It isn’t you telling yourself you have to doubt nice words are deserved. It’s the spirit of your abuser which you can’t let go yet. If you’d listen to yourself you should know you really deserve what I’m trying to give to you.

    Take care!
    Loads of hugs

    • Im sorry 😦
      You never went away, you never got angry and you certainly never judged. Thanks for being straight forward because you are right.
      I’m going to try to keep telling myself.
      Thanks sweety,
      Hugs

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