Why does recovery take so long with childhood trauma?

Hi,

I kind of wanted to write something from my point of view about why recovery takes ‘so long’ with childhood trauma. Of course the ‘so long’ part actually is often called so long in other people’s eyes, but to be honest, I think it’s taking too long sometimes as well.

This is all written from my point of view and also my experience. So I am only speaking for myself.
In my situation, the trauma started at a very young age, I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t living in a traumatic situation. I know, and have been told that the physical abuse was always a part of my life. As well as the emotional neglect.

As a child, I was being raised by my parents. A little by my environment and school and stuff. But mainly my parents. They form me. Like you can form clay, a child is very flexible, as the child grows older (the clay gets harder) and it’s it takes a form. The form which is set by the parents.

I often see it as programmed. I have been programmed a certain way. Some of my core beliefs are very hard and a result from trauma, for instance, my father is ‘the king’ and I must please him, no matter what (it costs me).

Of course as I grow older, or as the child grows older, I do start thinking on my own, and when I was 15 I got ‘rescued’ out of my home situation, and especially my thinking (rational) part could start to adapt more. It could start to adapt more to the law. For instance about what is right and wrong, no matter if it’s your father, uncle, neighbor, mother, grandmother or a stranger.
But, here is the twist, my hard drive/program/core belief is still the same. I am still, emotionally, the same shape as I was knead by my parents.

So my head can say ‘it’s ridiculous to please your father, if it’s that damaging to myself’, but deep down inside, I feel I still need to please him.

I understand all the things people are saying. Logically I do. Phrases like ‘snap out of it’/’don’t you get it?’ are jus not relevant. Because I do.
It takes a lot of time (and pain) for the original form to maybe even break down and build up again.

Right now I’m feeling that I am moving a little bit more forward, but that took a long time! And to be honest, rationally I may not know anything much different than one or two years ago. But people around me held on, believed in me, supported me, kept showing me what was right… and I guess that really helped.

So why does it take so long?
It takes long because I was programmed this way, and it takes a long time to reprogram. It’s not impossible. It just takes time, effort, patience.

I am beyond thankful for the people in my life who are showing me this precious light that I feel I never knew, it’s so pretty. It confuses me because I feel I don’t deserve it, and yet they keep on showing it. It brings me to tears, brings me confusion, brings me love, brings me pain, but most of all, brings me joy.
Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

The children of the sun

Hi,

This song always makes me think its about abused children.

We’re coming from far
Over oceans of time
We’re coming from places we once left behind
We’re looking for love
In the heart of every man
We’re looking for reasons we’ll all understand

Chorus
We are (we are)
In need (in need)
We want (we want)
A place for everyone
We shine (we shine)
Through love (through love)
We are (we are)
The children of the sun

We follow our dreams
We’ll never stop
We follow our hopes
And we’ll never give up
Until we have found
The warmth of the sun
Untill we are born

Chorus
We are
In need
We want
A place for everyone
We shine
Through love
We are
For ever on the run

We are
In need
We want
A place for everyone
We shine
Through love
We are
The children of the sun

We’re coming from far
Over oceans of time
We’re coming from places we once left behind
We’re looking for love
In the heart of every man
We’re looking for reasons we’ll all understand

We follow our dreams
We’ll never stop
We follow our hopes
And we never give up
Until we have found
The warmth of the sun
Untill we are born

The children of The sun

(We shine Through love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8f5PV5c86Uk

Am I the only one?
I do feel something beautiful can come out of this song. Awareness.. understanding.
Not just for the kids who are being abused right now but for the survivors as well. Could be someone who has just turned 18 and is struggling to deal with everything. But just was well someone who is 53 and is dealing/struggling with what happened.

Might be triggering!

I’m going to be honest, some are so damaged, and have none to little help, and they wont follow their dreams, they don’t believe in dreams.
When I was 13, I had a ‘dream’. I guess it was a dream. My dad always made sure I knew the importance of money. So I wanted to become a porn star. If it was up to me, I would have been when I was 13, but you had to be 18. So I thought; ‘ok, I’m going to be a porn star, I know how to do everything, I know how to get through it + I will make a lot of money’. Then I found out porn stars (the woman at least) have to be pretty. So that went out of the window. But then I thought of a whore. Yep, I wanted to be a whore, they earn a lot as well and don’t have to be pretty. So I thought I was able to pull that of. Doing the only thing I can do right, at least a little, pleasing a man.
I truly believed, 100%, that was my future job. The only thing I would be able to do. So yeah, it was my dream.
Nobody told me I had other options, to me there were no other options.
Looking back on that now, I think it’s a little sad. I truly believed, I was born for other mans pleasure’s. I am a person, but I don’t have rights, I have to please, I have to obey and be thankful that I can do that at least. No feelings whatsoever, that’s my job, that’s why I was born, that’s my mission in life.

I do think its weird a 13-year-old can think like that. It’s not okay to think like that. There’s nothing wrong with being a whore or a porn star, but it is, when you would be doing it for the same reasons I would have.
We have to help the children, or the adults who still believe like that. Because it is NOT true. EVERYONE has the right to exist, everyone has the right to say NO when it does not feel right, no matter who is crossing your boundaries. Everyone is a person, everyone has feelings and it is okay to express those feelings. Because you are worthy of that. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for the right reasons. You aren’t an object or someone’s possession. You are in control of yourself, don’t let anyone else control you/your life.

We will follow our hopes, and never give up.

I believe in all of you. I wont give up on us.

xoxo
Brianna