Loneliness

Hello,

I guess I’ll just mix lyrics here, quotes and me talking. It might be a bit confusing. Basically it means; I’m lonely.

I wish there was a store where I could go get some friends. I’ve lived in this town for 4 years and I do not have one friend here. It took 3,5 years to find Abraham, and yep, he ran away. I had some silly school friends (2) but that never felt ok. So when I quit school, they quit me, haha. I AM LONELY. Everybody is happy about the weekend, and me? Nope, just 3 days of doing nothing, eating out of my nose, and seeing nothing but these stupid walls. Am I not worthy of friendship? Whenever someone lives close and I am able to see them more often, they get fed up with me.
People always leave, cause I am never good enough
On Facebook for instance, did you know, when I have a like or comment, its most likely from my mother?

Run your fingers through my soul. Feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine & for once, just once.. understand.

The people who I can contact, are mostly the people who want something. By something I mean something sexual (and of course not respecting my boundaries). I refuse to go with that just to have someone around! I deserve a normal friendship!

I’m alright, I’m okay.. it only hurts when I breathe.

I can not seem to reach you, although your so close now.ย 

Everytime I think of you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

I feel really stupid and like a failure, don’t tell me I’m not, because i am the one with no friends. It’s like I’m toxic, whenever you’re too close to me for too long, you have to run away or you’ll get it too.

I HAD this friend, (the one who pushed me toward Betty once, remember?), but he has autism and a low IQ, nothing wrong with that. But we do conflict a lot. I just can’t anymore. I feel like he’s manipulating me sometimes, but he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I guess he can’t, but… sigh… it takes so much energy. Correcting him. And when I feel bad or something like that, he’ll never be reasonable.
When he pushed me towards Betty, It didn’t matter at that time though, it was because I was planning to commit suicide, but he didn’t want me to, because I was the only one he still had. He’d be alone after that. It was ok for me to commit since I’ve tried so much therapy yet and stuff, but just wait till he finds someone else….. (Well then it didn’t bother me, but now I’m like; SERIOUSLY?) ย I guess he’s a little selfish, but I’m sick of sticking up with it. I know he can’t help it, but I just can’t be the bigger person all the time, I don’t even want to, to be honest. Not constantly. Because there’s no sympathy for me in return when I feel bad… I know I’m maybe selfish as well.. maybe that’s why everyone leaves?

I know it takes time to make friends, I really do. So if I magically meet someone tomorrow, maybe by a year he/she and I would be good friends. HELLO, I CANT WAIT A YEAR! Plus the question always comes up ‘what do you do?’ yeah, I’m in therapy. So there goes chance number 1 to run off. If they aren’t already repelled by me.
I’m also the kind that rushes into stuff. Someone is either the best, or the worst.

It hurts me more than you know & so much more than it shows

I may have made it rain.. please forgive me.
My weakness caused you pain & this song is my sorry.

I never meant to start a war.
All I wanted was you to let me in.
All you ever did was wreck me.

don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed for my best friend. She is the bestest friend I could wish for. I can contact her anytime I want, 24/7, I know she’ll be there for me. โค
But…. (I feel guilty for saying but ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) I do feel I need to have social interaction face-to-face, not just over the phone. It’s just different. However, I know I can lean on her, even if it’s over the phone and I am very glad for that!

What can you do, when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down.

My best intentions keep making a mess of things.
I just want to fix it somehow..
But how many times will it take? How many times will it take for me..
To get it right.

I’m looking for love, in the heart of every (wo)man,

Why am I not good enough? Why am I ‘too complicated’? Dont I deserve friendship and love? Am I so hideous? Why can’t I just act normal?ย Please let me act normal, let me be normal, let me be one of them.

Please..

xoxo
Brianna

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5 thoughts on “Loneliness

  1. Sweet, sweet Bri,
    We only know eachother for like a month now, but I feel like I already care a lot for you, so… You must do something right ๐Ÿ˜‰
    It pains me that you feel so lonely. I wish I could take it away from you. I wรกs lonely too. I had nobody to talk to but the walls of my house and now I have friends. Things change sweety, but I understand you can’t wait. I totally understand that!

    Maybe you should try something like a music or dance activity or sports?

    I wish I could come to hug you
    <3!

  2. Cried for a while after writing this, then I got a very sweet comment from one of my twitter followers, who understood me, and I teared up.
    Reading your comment made me tear up again. But in a good way. I feel understood.

    I’d like to try something like music/sport but I am terrified around ‘normal’ people in groups. One on one is ok, but in a whole group I get overwhelmed and feel like a freak. The psychiatric freak. I haven’t been in a ‘normal’ society structure or whatever in 6 years. The people I know, have problems. And thats ok, I dont mind that. But they dont live in the same town as I do.

    I did have anxiety issue’s (Sociale angstoornis) but it has improved so much since I have been diagnosed with that (I never went outside alone and stuff), I do believe I dont have that anymore. But I feel socially very awkward.. and shy.
    For me to talk in a group may take a long time and by long I do mean months. Most ‘normal’ people dont really understand that, in therapy its ok for me to be quiet.

    1 on 1 goed a lot better, I only have to focus on one person, Then I feel I have an overview, you know? Maybe even controllable :/

    I know deep down, I will get friends.. well I hope so. It all takes time. It’s just hard for me to be lonely sometimes.

    Thanks for your sweet comment dear!

    Hugs ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

  3. Hi sweety,
    It’s really good you have improved your anxiety issues so much! You should be proud of that. I understand these activities aren’t something you just do… Hmm what about webpages for sportbuddies? You can find someone to run with, 1on 1, for example. Or regular buddyprojects? I think humanitas has something like this.

    You will get real friends near you, I’m sure. Remember the babysteps girl!

    I am thinking of you and I send you a whole lot of warmth and comfort, just catch!

    ๐Ÿ™‚ hugs!

  4. I just read several of your recent posts, and you are making good decisions. I totally relate to the cleaning – it is indeed about controlling your environment. I used to be very good about that, but since my marriage has gone into the toilet, so have my cleaning habits. I must take your example and get better about that. I too have few friends, and the woman I have been closest to for over 10 yrs is moving to Hawaii soon.
    I started my 1st FB page a few months ago, and I have a small circle of survivor friends. We share support, inspiration, and humor. I would welcome you, if you care to find me at Aunt Max (facebook). (seriously, there’s 4 people I keep up with, and we all understand each other.)
    I agree with “justeram..” People with CPTSD are trying to be sane while living with insane events we did not create. Your most recent post sounded like something I might have written as a teen. I used to see all kinds of things that were not there. “Shadow people” – the ones I see out the corner of my eye and I could swear there’s someone right behind me, and then I turn my head and NOTHING. Younger, I had full on apparitions of a demon perched at the foot of my bed, and I’d be up all night debating the thing.
    On a medical note – I know (knew?) someone who had CPTSD, DID, and lots of OCD. He found much relief after the added diagnosis of ADHD and began taking Ridalin. It was hugely helpful for his DID, in particular. Only time I’ve ever heard of that medication for a survivor – thought I’d throw it out there.
    I see you making good decisions, I see your little steps – that is the best any of us can hope to achieve!
    You are not alone. if you like, (((((hugs)))))

    • Thanks for your comment ๐Ÿ™‚
      It’s had huh, cleaning. I realized I do think its nice to do with some music in my ears and just singing and doing stuff. Maybe you can find a way to make it more attractive to do for yourself?
      There are a lot of Aunt Max on facebook, I’m a real n00b I guess, but I couldnt find one that seemed to be you.
      I’m in my early 20’s, I do seem like a teen often..
      Luckily i’m not scared by the shadows anymore, its just frightening when I think someone’s real close to me out of nowhere, but when I realize that there’s nothing I calm down. But it can be annoying when it happens constantly. Because then I do get scared and annoyed of the constant frightenings.
      Hmm I dont have ADHD so I dont think they’ll give me the Ridalin ๐Ÿ˜› but I can make an appointment with the psychiatrist, but first I’ll have to talk to Betty (my psych) to see if she agree’s with me taking new medication.
      When did the shadows leave you? Or are they still there every now and then?
      Thanks for the support & hug ๐Ÿ™‚ (((hug))) back!

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