Had dinner, calmed down (as far as I am able to) and I do really want to write this down.
Briefly about myself right now;
I’m not stable. I’m as stable as it gets while being unstable (if you know what I mean..). I just gotta balance on this cord I’m walking on and do the best I can. Right now I’m full aware of where I am and who I am. That’s a big improvement. The only point is, you never know for how long. I decided to write this little thing down anyway, because it’s not about the whole sexuality thing and because it gave me a little insight on myself.
A child learns to trust in others, because of the parents of which it is dependent on, are reliable in their way of acting and in the child. Which makes the child trust/have faith in the parents as well as in him/herself.
Further to this, the child learns to deal with emotions and learns to endure frustrations (delaying own needs). Enduring frustrations is a lesson the child will only learn if it’s been given the assurance that it’ll all be okay and therefore there’s enough trust.
This was a real smack in the face.
I know I can not endure frustrations. But maybe that’s because I never have faith.. faith that it’ll be okay in the end.
Looking at myself… and being honest, I know when I want something or need something, I want it directly and immediately. I know I can ball like a baby, stamp my feet like a child. Sit on the ground. Hang myself around someone’s leg. Not really knowing how to explain myself, but I could explain what tendency is.
I have to find the trust in myself to know it’ll be okay, like raise myself or something like that.
It’s just weird to have a small sentence like that make sense to so much situations. Like ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………….’
If I would explain myself right now, in words. I’d be something like this (and very Brenda like, so excuse me for that);
Help me, please. Hold me, because I am broken and it hurts. I am lonely and that hurts too. It’s cold. You are warm and I want it too. Please just hold me, you don’t even need to talk to me, just hold me and let me be. See me. It’s empty inside. Hollow. I need you.
But let’s be honest, I could never say that to someone.