A full day with PTSD


Yesterday was a real long day for me. I guess fora lot of people it can be seen as a normal day, but to me it was exhausting.
It started out with therapy, and afterwards I had an introduction at my volunteer work.

Therapy was rough. Wednesday always seems to get to me. I wanted to take it slow because I knew, I had to spread my energy up until 10 pm at least, because then I am able to go home (from the volunteers work).

Lately, I have been having good night’s rest. I do sleep well, no nightmares, but I don’t sleep long. I used to have a lot of trouble falling a sleep, I don’t anymore. But I wake up incredibly early, and then I can’t fall asleep anymore.
Creative therapy was quite ok, but I got tired after already.
Grouptherapy, was heavy. I got a laugh-kick with another group member, which maybe was me laughing away some tension, I don’t know.
Lunch –
Training in social kills was intense as well. A lot of practise and just took a lot of energy. (We practice with setting boundaries, and making sure other people can’t cross them, due to trauma in the past (it was boundary crossing) it’s hard to know where you boundaries are etc)

After that a individual talk with Brandon, but I already noticed my body was shocking sometimes. I don’t even know what that really means, I do know I’m full of tension. It’s really ridiculous and I am ashamed of it, but it just shocks. We cut the talk short.

When I was in the taxi on my way home, I already felt the whole day being too much. I was either about to cry (in the taxi, yup) or about to dissociate (felt myself floating away). I remember how a part of me was telling myself to keep focussing on the things around me but another part of me was so scared it was just petrified and didn’t want to move or even look or focus on the stuff around.
Somehow I managed the way home. With some encouragement of Justy I got into bed for a short time, with my security blanket, in total Brenda mode (crying, feeling unsafe), I crawled under the blankets, stuffed the security blanket against my mouth and kinda fell asleep.

My mum came to my house to take me to the volunteers work for the first time. When I woke up I felt a lot better, back to Brianna-mode. I was very scared of meeting the new people and stuff, but I knew I wanted to do this because it was a great opportunity.

Let’s just say it was intense. It started at 7 pm. I did my very best. I was smiling, introducing myself. Using my voice. Coming of normal (hopefully 😉 ). But despite that, I felt a lot of derealization. I did feel myself, a bit weird though, but the whole environment was just a big haze. I kept on pushing myself through the whole evening, which was exhausting. Suddenly about 20 other people came. And again, smiling, introducing myself in front of the whole group. After that there was a sort of gathering for all the people and of course it’s normal to stay. Although I desperately wanted to go home, I did stay.

I stood with my back against the wall and watched the other people while fighting the derealization, suddenly a girl came up to me to introduce herself personally. Of course I had to take the chance again and focus with all my head on what she was saying, smiling, coming of normal. Another guy came… and they were playing tablefootbal, the girl asked me to join. I didn’t want to! But I knew… this was my chance, so I did. I joined (lost with another guy 😉 ) but it was fun. After that, another girl came and introduced herself to me. Again a lot of focussing and to be honest I was ready to drop down on the floor.
It sounds intense, but this ‘all’ happened in 60 minutes, I asked the girl ‘when are we allowed to leave?’ (probably not very smart of me, but ok) she said ‘oh youre welcome to leave anytime you want!’ and I told her I had a long day, but I wanted to be here to meet everyone, but I thought it might be time for me to go home. Said goodbye to her and went. (10.40 pm)

When I got outside, it was raining. Didn’t care. I just walked in the rain. Which was lovely!!! No coat, the cold wind, the rain.. my mum picked me up from the bus station.

Just a full day with PTSD 😉


Do I have time to breathe?


I am SO busy! It’s actually getting annoying!!
There are a lot of good things happening, volunteers work, my baby’s, meeting people, but it’s getting too much! I don’t even know what to do? It’s like I don’t have any time to breathe.

I don’t know HOW to create time…. I’m not doing much else I guess. But my head is exploding! I have to do this, and that etc……… STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I go on like this, I’ll probably collapse. But I can’t seem to stop? I’m in a car which is going like 200 km/h and I cant get out until the car stops.. I’m not the driver of the car.

Everything is going on in my head. My head is a CHAOS. A beautiful positive chaos. But chaos is never positive… well not with me at least. So the things going through my head are positive, but it’s just too much.

Suddenly I’m sleeping like an angel again, well last night i did. Slept like 11 hours! Wth. Last time that happened I had my crisis medication.

I feel even too busy or too restless to write here. It’s like i have SO much to do. And there isn’t any time to write a blog post.

Ok, gonna end this now. I’m doing ok. Just on speed or something.. and sooner or later its gonna leave my system and I’ll breakdown 😦 I don’t want that!!!


Shut down

Hello everyone,

It’s going to be a short one.
I am VERY tired still. I miss a lot of time from yesterday and today. I guess I’ve been dissociating. Which sucks… but outside the dissociation I do feel ok, just very tired. Sometimes, like I’m slipping away and not really here (which could be a form of dissociation as well?)
Still a bit confused, things just don’t match. Like day’s and seeing faces outside in public of which I’m sure I know them, but I don’t know where from.
I do keep track of the date and time, but I just don’t trust I’m reading it correctly. Like my mind may read ‘October 5th 2013’, but it feels like it’s not. It’s weird to explain. I just don’t trust my eyes and brains on getting the right information. So I do check up a lot where I can, with people and other stuff like laptop, tv etc. It just doesn’t convince me.

I don’t think I did anything special yesterday,
Today I went to a wedding shop with my sister, mum and her wedding planner (my sisters) to shop for a wedding dress. I’m glad we found it. She did look very happy in it, and of course gorgeous, but she looks beautiful in any wedding dress (She has a BEAUTIFUL figure, really petite, but it suits her, because she’s build like that. Plus she is tinted so the white wedding dress doesn’t make her look pale. Anyway, she’s beautiful, 🙂 I’m glad she found something she’s happy with!). I didn’t think she’d find one today, but she did. I woke up at 7 am and just got home. We been riding through most of Holland haha. Made about 450 km. I did try to be strong and ‘survive’ I guess, do miss a lot of time and a lot of ‘slipping away’. I’m glad I’m home, I’m gonna sleep soon and it will probably be a long one again. Its frustrating I can sleep for 8-10 hours and still wake up exhausted.

Not really keeping my house clean, just the necessary things like the litter box.

I’m really close with my cats the past week, they are around me all the time. Well they’re always in the same room as I am, but now they really want to be close to me and next to me. It does feel like they’re watching me. When I wake up at night, from a nightmare (hasn’t happened the past week though) and I am alone (which almost never happens, most of the time there’s always on of them with me) I just need to call the girl’s name and she’ll come directly and comfort me. Really sweet 🙂

So, just gonna listen to some music, maybe sing a little 🙂
Tomorrow a rest day, I have nothing to do except rest 😉