Quiet

Hi,

I have been quite quiet actually on here.
I do have some idea’s for blog posts but just can’t get myself to start.

I want to talk, but I can’t seem to find the words. I want to communicate, but I can’t seem to make the sound. I want the company, but I seem to make the contact.

I feel a little bit lost. Of course its 2.30 am and I’m not sleeping. Tuesday I have an appointment with the psychiatrist. Tomorrow (today, Monday) I have therapy… 09.00 am till 05.00 pm 😦 I just know I don’t need to put on any make-up because I KNOW I’ll cry it off.

My weekend was weird, since I felt sick, which triggered some stuff I guess.

I am doing ok I guess, I’m still here, haven’t self harmed etc.. but somehow I always feel myself glancing back at something that stayed behind.. or just switched course.

I surrender..
Every night’s getting longer, and this fire’s getting stronger baby
I’ll swallow my pride, and I’ll be alive, didn’t you hear my call? I surrender all.

I just want to be alive you know? Of course, I’m breathing and my heart is beating. But I feel hollow, empty. I can laugh, I can smile.. I can do it all.. but I just don’t think it’s real. It doesn’t feel real.
I am stuck and lost and stuck and lost all over again.

There are a million questions I’d like to ask, but no-one seems to know the answer. I can glance up to the sky all I want, but I can’t hear a thing. I can scream and shout all want, but the companion I once had, shut me out.

Of course this is one of my Im-feeling-depressed-night-blogs and yeah sure, it’ll be a new day after I wake up (even though it might be I wake up from a sleep of 1 hour).

Gonna go write some poems, usually I can express myself in them.

xoxo
Brianna

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