Walking in circles

Hi,

I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s šŸ˜¦ ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a Ā ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics,Ā antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.

xoxo
Brianna

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Behind closed doors..

Hi,

Lol, is it me, or is Word Press changing daily? Weird font right now.
Anyway, I am more out in the open again. On twitter, whatsapp, facebook etc. However, not many people know what happens behind closed doors here.

Trigger warning! Self harm!
I had a major relapse in self harm. I had gone exactly 2 months without. Fell back harder than before. And I don’t even care.. I’m sorry but I don’t.
There is a big part in me who makes me punish myself. I need to, I must.. I went to the doctors yesterday with Polly (she was off work but went with me anyway, though she had to pick up her children from school a little later… šŸ˜¦ so sweet) she treated and me and was very nice luckily, said I could always call her when I’m feeling down.
Had a talk with Brandon later on the day, which made me feel better. However a part of me, definitely not Peter, but I don’t know what, just a feeling I guess, just told me I needed to punish myself. It got worse and worse. I did try to resist by being in contact with people. Did self harm once more, and was too afraid to go to the doctors, (2 times in one day is just too much) and so now it’s just being open. I’ll watch it closely for infections till it’s fully closed. later that night I had to self harm again. I was just so tired of the whole day, and it was about 1 am, I wasn’t allowed to put on music, not allowed to touch my phone untill I did. I was so tired, and I knew it had to be of a certain depth but i just couldn’t. Made 2 small ones and went to bed.
Today I haven’t (yet?). But I feel the urge. Not as strong as yesterday though.

So yeah, I did self harm and to be honest I don’t care. Not right now. Today I had therapy and a talk with Brandon, and I kinda wanted to discuss how to make it through the weekend without the compulsive need to sh (self harm), but he changed the subject and I couldn’t bring it up anymore. Maybe it’s for the best, because I do know some people think when you pay too much attention to it, it’ll get worse. So acknowledge it and move in is probably the best. But I do feel this force/monster/demon in me, which needs to destroy me. And when will it be enough? I am bright enough to know, it never will. Not even when I’m dead, because then I can’t feel the pain anymore. So the goal from that part of me is to just keep torturing me for as long as possible. Have as much pain as possible. Not inner pain, but pain on my body.

I feel very ashamed of this and actually I wasn’t planning on writing it, but yeah, it is me, and it’s going through my head and I guess a part of me and my cptsd.
I do want to get better. But right now, I feel I need to sh to survive this period of time. I do feel like a failure, but then again, that is what I am so why make a deal about it?

It’s really hard for me to explain the amount of self-hatred and self-disgust I feel. It’s just really like I want a new body. I want my skin of, I want clean blood, I want the dirty-ness off. I can’t even look at my own body, let alone be aware of that MY fingers are typing this! I just can’t because then I’ll freak out (realizing what nasty-ass fingers are typing and those nasty-ass fingers are MINE).

I do need help, I really do. But I still firmly believe a clinic is not the option for me. I do think I need more than 2 day’s a week. Or at least more than 45 minutes individual a week. But a clinic is the completely opposite. I do need to maintain a (big) part of my own responsibility.

Monday I actually wanted to beg Betty to kill me. I think I even said to her that if she had a gun, I’d ask her to be a human and do me and society a favor and shoot me through the head. I was in tears, shit coming out of my nose and stuff, just crying my ass off. She kinda raised her voice at me at one point, not in a scary way, but it wasn’t the calm voice she always had. She said that it was ridiculous and I should stop hating (and talking so bad) about myself. Because I was a child.. and have no responsibility.
I do find it a bit comforting she raised her voice a little, it did scare me but also showed me she really means it. So that’s double… Might phone her tomorrow.. anyway Polly is coming at noon, so at least I’ll get to talk to her.

I am really NOT suicidal.Ā Right now I’m at a point where I think death would be too easy for me, I need to crawl on the floor of the pain

yeah, I really hate myself. Well a part of me hates me, the other part of me doesn’t know what to think of me, but doesn’t hate me, at least not in the way that I feel I need to punish myself with sh.

So to sum it up; it’s a mess.
Need a second to breathe.

Wish there was someone here.. someone who would just stay with me. This are the times I wish I had a roommate.. I do have a spare bedroom, and could use the money (oh another fun thing! I don’t have much left for food anymore this month, because of an unexpected expensive bill from the vet and uhm.. yeah so if something else happens, I’ll just have to beg for food at my mums :’) isn’t this lovely.Ā Another reason to sh. )so I could use the money, I could use the company.. I just really need it to be someone who I can still be myself with. I realized. I am in my early 20’s, an early 90’s kid and yeah this is the first house I feel at home. After almost a year I am settling a bit I guess. It’s ok for me to sit with my back against the room (instead of wall), I don’t feel like I need to be alert all the time.. there is no danger.. only from inside myself now.

Blablabla. Respect if you went through this all!

xoxo
Brianna