Repeatedly being slapped in the face


I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, repeatedly.
Not just by memories of trauma. But by ‘everything’. Right now, I don’t really know why, my body is really aching.
My back (the lower part) hurts a lot. And I’m nauseous like crazy. Well, my back isn’t that much a problem (I walk like a grandma, but ok). But nauseous, causes some troubles.
Well the back too though, as anything that reminds me of having a body sometimes triggers, although back doesn’t that much.

Being nauseous right now, stops me from eating. The only thing I eat, that is bearable, are rice crackers. Otherwise, I’ll get so nauseous, which is triggering (I’ll go into that later). So it cuts the whole food thing off for me. At some point its good, I’m not able to eat a lot. But food has a function, it does help me survive in some way. So surviving right now seems harder somehow.

Being nauseous triggers me. I am terrified of throwing up. I can’t even begin to explain how scared that makes me. I have nightmares of myself (or other people, and me being around them) throwing up, and sometimes when other people around me throw up, the smell and sound of their throw up, makes me throw up in the end (in my dream).
Throwing up scares me so bad. It brings me in a constant state of panick. I have to do ANYTHING, to keep myself from throwing up. (Like only eating rice crackers, I’m not taking any chances!)
I’d rather have diarrhea all day, than throw up once.
I’m not sure why this triggers me, but it scares me so bad. I’m having a hard time even relaxing. Feeling  the need to keep my chin up in the air as much as possible (which is ridiculous, because that won’t stop me from throwing up in the end).

Usually I do avoid stuff that would possibly make me throw up. So this is really bothering me. This nausea is completely out of the blue! It feels like a nausea after an overdose. But I haven’t taken one! I remember it starting on the weekend, and it just got worse. I’m gonna call the gp tomorrow.
Anyway, it’s out of the blue. I haven’t eaten anything weird. I havent done anything unusual. And definitely not something that should last this long.

Can I just sleep or disappear till my tummy feels better?


No.. just no!



You know that moment when you wake up and you’re just like ‘no… just NO’. It was ridiculous!
Yesterday I had a very good day! Therapy was amazing, had so much fun with the girls, got to know them a lot better and had a good talk with Brandon. Talked about possible volunteer work, and I actually found multiple things I like!!!!
Went to bed happy.

But then I woke up today and felt like crying. I don’t know why? The only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep the day away. I called Polly and asked her if it was ok to cancel our appointment today. Told her what was going on, and I was really NOT in the mood to talk. Just leave me alone, crying in my bed. Well, she said it was ok, and if I wanted to reschedule for saturday I could call her. Then I went back to bed and woke up at 2 pm. Felt a little better. Woke up all sweaty though. Baby girl was very stanch. Practically sitting on my face.

Got out  of bed at 3 pm and ate something. Listened to some music and now I’m on WordPress writing this. ( 5 pm)
I don’t even know what’s going on? I just felt SO terrible this morning without any reason. Such a good day yesterday, and then today.. BOOM. Crying, depressed, lonely.

Tomorrow will be a better day I guess.

There is not much on my mind, have been looking for some stuff on childhood trauma (actually looking for a book, which explains the treatment possibilities and stuff). But it’s really hard, well in Dutch it is.. I have one book called ‘Complex Trauma’ (Dutch book) and it was very helpful even though it’s meant for professionals, I understood it and it gave me more insights.
Maybe it’s not a good thing for me reading this, but I know me the best.. and I know my experiences, in therapy they don’t seem to want me to talk about them, so how can you ‘cure’ something of which you don’t know what the problem was.
I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘abuse’ > ‘A or B treatment’. I think it does depend on what kind of abuse and um especially how it made me feel and made me think. They don’t know that, so when I can find some tips on treatment or whatever, I would just really like to know. Dutch has my preference, but (easy! 😛 ) English isn’t bad as well. So if anyone has some tips, please let me know!

Talk to Betty about this? Hell no. Monday I have this dissociation tests or something with her. So the next time I might be able to talk to her about it would be 11 november. Well uhm, if you want me to move forward like snail, yeah, I could wait. And when I talk to her on the 11th, she’ll probably tell me to stop focussing on the past.

Last time I spoke to her she didn’t realize that I’ve been self-harming for that long and how it made everything more clear about how difficult it is for me to stop. Well DUH, if you won’t let me talk about it, you can’t know.
Lol, getting really angry now. Not worth it.
So yeah, looking for books and of course I’d like to minimize the trigger-content, so not really something about someone’s experience and the details about the trauma. But more about the effects of it when you’re an adult and the (possible) treatments.