Sunday is definitely not a day of rest for me. At some point I feel relieve, relieve because tomorrow will be monday again, which means Betty and/or Brandon are available again, but somehow it gives me a lot of stress as well. I don’t know if it’s just today or maybe because of this week, or most of the sunday’s. Anyway, the stress of a new week. With actually no real improvements ahead, no real things to look up to. Nothing really has changed. So it’ll just be the same, survival.
Today was a weird day. I have been a bit less dissociative I think, but just as that went away a little, the mood swings took place. I got so angry again. It’s really ridiculous how angry I can get, over nothing really. I can just burst out, and start cursing. Just explode like a volcano. If someone even asked me over what, they’d laugh because of my answer.
Thinking about therapy and wanting to switch therapists (way back, not right now anymore), it felt stupid. Because I’ll end up getting angry at them as well. It’s ridiculous, I could just go and look around and think to myself ‘oh, lets see, who do I want to hate next?’
I definitely do NOT want to get angry or upset, but it goes from 0 (completely chill, and calm) to 9 or 10 (I want to slap you in the face). There is just no in between. I don’t like being this way. And to be frank, I don’t like the dissociation as well.
I think I’m going to ask the psychiatrist for more topomax. They say (rumour has it) it’s a little bit of a moodstabilizer. Well, my ass, haven’t noticed any of it. With that something to keep me calm during the night, I know or I’ll just have to accept that it’s just too much to ask to go to sleep at a normal time, but right now I just want to be calm at night. The lorazepam helps me with that, so I’ll ask for some of that.
Tomorrow will be a very long day at therapy, I’ll be there from 09.00 am till 05.00 pm…. and as a dessert (from 04.00 till 05.00 pm) it’s a talk with the family therapist + my mum + my sister + me. I’m not even gonna put on make-up tomorrow, since I always cry at the family-sessions.