Stillness

Hi,

I’ve been very quiet on here. I don’t know why. A lot of avoiding, not wanting or needing to write.
I went to de gp on friday, got some medication against the nausea and that really helps!
Yesterday I celebrated my sister’s birthday which was fun.

Another positive thing that hasn’t happened in a very long time. I woke up yesterday with this very weird feeling. I was like ‘what is this?!’ after a while of thinking I realized.. I’m feeling rested, haha. I did sleep real long and without waking up in the middle. When I woke up I felt rested and ready to Β get out of bed! It was so weird but felt so good πŸ˜€

There isn’t really much news from my side.
I’m still very disappointed in myself (and maybe a little at Brandon) for not being able to process anything. Just focus on practical stuff and just forget the whole trauma. Feels like a ‘lets just pretend it didn’t happen’.

I hate having people ask me outside ‘aren’t you cold?’, since I wear a summer coat. Yeah, I’m freezing. But I don’t have money for a winter jacket, so stop remind me I’m wearing something that belongs with the summer ok?!
There’s snow here and ugh. Tomorrow therapy… I don’t really feel like going. I know I will though, but it’ll just be a battle. Especially since Brandon doesn’t work on Monday and Betty does, but I don’t talk to Betty anymore, so if there’s something wrong, I’ll just have to wait till Wednesday. BUT I’ll see Betty with the whole group.
I can feel the ‘rebellious-part’ of me be all like ‘we are not going to be nice to her tomorrow! Yet I know, I want her to see me. I want her to ask me if there’s something wrong. Because, yeah there is. Well, nothing big. I’m actually kinda okay. No crisis or anything. But I can’t even think about leaving the treatment there WITH my trauma.

When I started there, I thought in the end, when I’ll leave, I’ll leave the trauma there too… This just really sucks 😦

xoxo
Brianna

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9 thoughts on “Stillness

  1. I wish it were possible to leave trauma with your therapist, but unfortunately it’s not possible. However, a big part of having a therapist is that you can share in the burden of having these memories. Sometimes it eases the pain just a little…

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