I don’t really know what to say. Well I do, but I don’t know how to start.
I am feeling really down. Not sure why exactly, I guess a mix of everything. I am kind of back at the place where I’m like ‘I need more help’. Feel like I’m standing on my own. Which I am, and that’s not bad. But I don’t feel strong enough. I’m sorry but I really want someone on my side, someone who’ll support me. Tell me if I’m doing ok or not, and if not what I can do to make things better. I need to have the option to contact somebody, who I can ALWAYS call, and to be honest, I would love if that person could come to me and maybe stay with me for a while.
That’s not possible, I have to do it on my own. But how can I do it on my own when I don’t know if I’m doing it right? If I’m doing it wrong, I feel like I have to start all over again.
There’s something else. I’m afraid Betty will have to kick my ass again, I’m really stuck. I don’t want to come to terms with my past. I really don’t. I don’t like it, so I want another one. Why should I accept that something changed me/my personality/behaviour, while I was born into that? How am I supposed to get out of that situation when I couldn’t even hold my own head? (Thinking like a baby now, baby’s can’t hold their own head right after they’re born right?) So I am being punished, for not walking away. For never opening my mouth, well I did and tried (later on), but nobody listened. So how the hell does it make sense, that I have to make all the changes here? How crooked is that? Well the crooked-ness level is ridiculous high.
It’s not fair! (I can hear Betty’s voice; Life isn’t fair)
Well then f&ck life!!!
Ok, I think I’m acting like child again. I’m sorry… I just don’t want to acknowledge my past. Its going to hurt so much.. I can’t handle that. The way I see it. Just to paint a picture. My past is a river.. I have to swim in it to get to the other side, to recover. Right now I’m standing at the left side.. ( LEFT |___| RIGHT) and the right side is recovery. Right now, I’m dabbing my toe in the water, and its so hot/cold that it terrifies me and I take my toe back out. I’m like nagging to Betty/basically everybody that it’s too cold/hot to go swim in it. I want someone to swim in front of me or next to me. (I want.. I want.. I want.. damn, I am spoiled!) But to me, Betty is on the right side, shouting at me, to go swim. Or I don’t know, maybe she’s running back and forth trying to push me into the water, then running to the right side and encouraging me to swim, or at least put my foot in.
So yeah, every time after she ‘kicks my butt’, I do feel strong enough to go swim, so I’m walking up to the river, dab my toe, and then I get terrified, and start acting like this again.
I’m scared. I really am. I’m scared of doing it alone. I’m scared of the pain. I’m scared of the memories. But I DO want to get better. I want to get to the right side of the river. I want to overcome this. I don’t want to be a victim.. but a survivor. But I just don’t want to swim…
Its 2.30 AM here. I’m not sleepy at all. But I’m going to try to sleep anyway. Maybe I’m going to call the nurse tomorrow. There’s this phone number people can call when its past 5 pm on weekdays and all day in the weekend. It’s for emergency’s.. but maybe this isn’t one. Well it kinda is, I can feel myself slipping down to not giving a shit and wanting to die. Or isn’t it? I get to see Betty on monday, so maybe I’ll just have to wait.
I guess I’ll just see how I’m feeling tomorrow. Might be feeling a lot better anyways.
Ps. WordPress is putting a mirror in front of me right now! I always let this spellingcheck check my post, and I realized how many cant’s and dont’s there are…… how negative am I? Of course I wont get anywhere with so much negativity. Jeez, way to go Brianna well… at least I do see that now. So maybe just focus on what I can do.. ? I dont even know, I’m tired now. But I have to remember the numerous don’t and can’t in this blog. Not good Brianna, oh there it is again; ‘not’. Haha this is neverending! Its crazy! Lol, I’m gonna stop now. WordPress made its point 😉