Smile though your heart is aching

I’ll do what you expect me to
I’ll smile as you want me to
At home I’m still crying as I used to
& I promise, I wont show you

Yesterday I had therapy, and a talk with Brandon. It was very confronting, Brenda was very upset, I was tired. Brandon was asking me if I recognized myself in Stockholm syndrome. Questions about my father and the whole ‘hierarchy’ at home. It’s really blurry.

At one point, I don’t even remember how we got there, the thought came in to my mind… Brandon is telling me I’m a whore.. I’m my dad’s whore.

So Brandon was talking about something.. (God knows what)

Brandon; ……………………..
Me *while looking down*; So you’re saying I am his whore?
Brandon; That’s not what I’m saying.

Of course, I could believe him. And of course, that’s not what I did. I think I decided to test him. YET AGAIN. I knew, what I was expecting, I knew, the old Brandon, would respond like ‘plan A’ for instance, but there came Peter screaming in my head that he’s not saying it, but he’s thinking it.

So suspicious Brianna suddenly made direct eye contact with Brandon

Me; But that’s what you’re thinking? 

My voice was freakishly calm, without judgement in it.
Of course I made the eye contact to see the look on Brandons face, to really see if he was lying or not. But Brandon being who he is, plan A won, he kinda looked surprised at me for asking that and a little confused.

Brandon; no

I could see he really did not think I was a whore. I trust him. It’s save and ok now. In fact, it was save and ok all along. He passed the test.
And it’s weird to think of why would you test someone.
It’s not something I decide to do, of course, I’m doing it! I know that, because I learn to look at myself and my behaviour. But in that moment I am not aware of me testing him. I think it’s something in me that’s automatically doing that. Seeing if it’s still ok to ‘hang out’ or ‘talk with’ Brandon, is he still save.


Tomorrow I have to be at the principals office


So I know I jus wrote a blog post just a minute ago. But I didn’t want to ruin that with this negativity. Because I am truly happy and thankful for the invitations I got <33

Today I had a little argument with Sander, he did make me laugh with something he knows I think is hilarious, and told me that I didn’t need to feel hurt, because he didn’t want to hurt me. Cutiepie 🙂

So yeah, tomorrow. I have to be at the principals office a.k.a Betty. I am terrified. I feel so powerless. Like there is nothing I can do. It all comes down to her. And even if not, I’d be hoping for Brandon and H. & B. & S.  to have my back, but I’m just afraid they don’t. That they think I’m annoying and don’t even like me. They’d be glad to get rid of me.

A part of me tells me that’s ridiculous. I’d be the 3rd one who wants another ‘principal’, so who’d want to switch from Betty to H. But… I know H. is really full right now, a lot of individual clients.
Plus the feeling that H. doesn’t like me.

I feel like I’m fighting a war. Here there is only me, and over there are like 100000 people, who I have to win from. Like; what’s the point? I feel like staying at home tomorrow, lying in bed all day and just waiting for my body to vanish from the world. I know I did have a friend, who’d fight for me like no one has ever done. Who’d stand up for me and just go with me to the talk with Betty and tell her what it’s all about. I feel so small.. But that friend isn’t here and it isn’t an option to stay at home tomorrow.

So I’ll go, probably have diarrhea because I’m so nervous.

Feeling small can go into different directions with me, or I’ll just cry and hide, or I’ll go all lima-heights on her ass. Lol, I’ll just curse at her. Pick at her ‘flaws’ (which aren’t even flaws (shouldn’t be at least), but because she hurts me I want to hurt her, so I’ll just say something of which I think might hurt her… I’m a bitch huh?)
I don’t even know which direction is worse right now. Feeling small and crying and hiding, makes me desperate (and hate myself for not standing up for myself). And being a bitch makes me proud for shutting her up, but hate myself for being a bitch and (possibly) hurt her.
Whenever you try to hurt me, I will hurt you even worse and so much deeper (Celine Dion – It’s all coming back to me now) I always recognized myself in that sentence, because that’s how I feel and act normally. I’m not happy with it though, but it feels like getting even.. but then I feel bad for hurting the other person :/

It’s like I know I’m standing all alone tomorrow, no back up. Just my phone to call my mum or bestie (but I know when I do that, I’ll be crying and stuff so they won’t be able to hear me, so maybe I’ll just text them instead) and let all the stuff out.

The future is never clear, but most of the times you have a plan, like for me it is staying untill may at this place, and after that I dont know yet. For other people it might be finishing college for 2 years.. or continuing my job. But right now, nothing is clear, nothing is certain for me. That is pretty normal I guess, because everything can happen, things can turn out the other way. But the insecurity I feel makes me so desperate.
Well, whatever happens, Polly will still be here (for now), so that’s a positive thing. Tuesday and Thursday = Polly. So that’ll remain.

I am so scared.
Going to try to find some distraction right now. Maybe some chatting again, or a movie.. 🙂

My mum’s cat is gone now btw! I’m gonna miss him. We did have some fun. 🙂

Now It’s me  + baby girl and boy again.