Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall. 
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?


“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me? 

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn? 
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all… :/
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;
dramadriehoek

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17 thoughts on “Am I a lost cause?

  1. Hi Bri,
    I love how you use music to express yourself 🙂

    At first thanks for the dramatriangle theory. I never heard of it, but it makes a lot of sense to me too.

    Then: You are certainly not a lost cause. You’re growing. I am witnessing this growth. Also you try to put yourself first and succeed sometimes. You are acting on the boundaries you’ve set and which you can feel. According to this theory you are on the right track!

    By aknowleding what you fear, you find yourself in control of these emotions. I think the periods of blind anger you described here happened when you tried to fight against what you were feeling, right?
    If you don’t do that, there lies your cure. It’s scary, but it’s true. I’ve felt that too after thursday. Although it feels like drowning and losing control, you don’t. (Remember what you wrote to me about this? That goes for you too!)

    You and you alone can be the person who kicks yourself in the butt sometimes 😉 Growing is not about never making mistakes again. Nobody blames you for not doing things exactly like you should do them or want to do them. You have to learn. And sometimes that means falling and making mistakes. It’s not always about doing the right thing. Sometimes it’s just about finding out which ways are not the right way. You have every new ‘tomorrow’ to try again. The only real mistake is when you give up trying.

    Take good care sweety.
    I believe in you!

    Hugs!

    • Thanks for your comment!
      Yeah, music is a BIG part of my life. It helps me express things. It helps me give words to feelings I dont know what words fit. But then I hear the lyrics and I’m like ‘OMG THATS SO TRUE!’ 😛
      Welcome, I can make some photo’s of the Drama Triangle theory in my handout I got from therapy if you want? Its Dutch, so unfortunatly I dont think it makes much sense putting it on here.
      Uhm, the blind anger was a ‘long’ time ago, I was still living at home with everyone and I dont know if I was fighting against a feeling? It’s not very clear in my mind.. the whole period.

      Hihi yeah I remember telling you that 🙂 ! Youre right.

      right on the spot! You are right, there’s nothing else I can say to you.
      Sometimes I forget that tomorrow can be a new start and I just wallow in the dark (though I can get out, but it seems I’m not aware of that in that moment)

      Thanks sweety!

      • Hi dear,
        I feel exactly the same about music 🙂

        I would love the drama triangle theory! 🙂

        You are doing so well! I’m happy to see how much you are learning and growing! And if you forget about the new tomorrow, I ll just tell you again (even 100 times if that’s what it takes!)

        Take good care sweety! 🙂 ❤

      • Okay! I will send it to you tomorrow! Because of my fish-memory i’ll put a reminder in my phone xD
        Hihi youre so sweet 🙂 !
        I’ll take good care of myself! You too dear! ❤

    • Thanks 🙂
      I never heard of the triangle theory before Brandon told me about it. But it makes good sense and when they tell me I’m acting like a victim or accuser they tell me like that. Then I know exactly what they mean.

      • You are quite welcome. Kudos for Brandon. I think in my work it is described more as a circle in which we keep traveling and we have those either inside with us, or those on the outside who are either trying to get us out of the circle, or are working to keep things the same. What is crazy is some of the people we often would feel should be helping us out are the ones trying to keep us in. Not because they are mean, but because us breaking out means they have to refigure their lives to either compensate for our absence or they have to try and get out too. Some people, actually a lot, don’t want to ‘rock the boat’, they might say they do, but when it comes right down to the hard part, the pain, and then the being alone, sort of like being born all over again, they don’t have the balls for it. You do! And you are challenging the Status Quo every day, and especially when you look at what is wrong in you life, question it, and then take proactive actions to either seek answers on how to change, or attempt change.
        You are so on the right track. This is the hard part, but you are already in it, you are sticking with it, so you are incredibly strong.
        Keep up the good work, but don’t get too down on yourself when you have to take a step backwards now and then. You are human, not super human.
        Peace

  2. I’ve always liked that song from Disturbed too. Have you heard “Broken Parts” by Hollywood Undead? I’ve never been into HipHop, but their lyrics are awesome. I’m glad you seem to be feeling a bit better. The occasional backslide has always been part of my process… the only good thing is I can see my own footprints to get back to where I was, though it always looks a little different the 2nd time. Rock On!

  3. Pingback: Relationship difficulties in trauma survivors: the Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor roles and the Drama Triangle | Trauma and Dissociation

  4. Pingback: Am I a lost cause? | Trauma and Dissociation

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