Cause and effect

Hi,

I see where they get the ‘stress’ from post traumatic STRESS disorder 😉
It’s very simple, without blaming anyone, because I really don’t neither him nor myself, it’s a simple cause and effect.

Cause; feeling unsafe (trigger). Losing control in my save place (police entered my house). Triggers to a past situation which was very intense, a situation that still troubles me to this day, even though it was 6 years ago (involved a crisis intervention and people coming to my house without me knowing, and trying to take me away (only thing is, they succeeded)).

Effect; I don’t feel save anymore. I am very alert.

People ask me how I’m doing? I’m ok. I truly am. Am I suicidal? No, honestly , I’m not. Am I depressed? Nope, I’m no depressed either.

I am busy.

With what?

Busy with watching everything around me. My house isn’t my save place anymore. I am scared in my own livingroom. I have to be alert 24/7. I don’t have time to focus or even to take a minute and think about how I am feeling. NO, no time left. Got to stay alert.

Of course the word ‘okay’ as in ‘being okay’  can be discussed, but I am not suicidal nor depressed. Nor do I feel the need to act harmful to myself. I am 100% focussed on my environment.

Is this the best situation? No, probably not. But right now, the best way to get through my sunday.

xoxo
Brianna

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No police for me please

Hi,

I think it’s save to say I haven’t been in the best place lately.
I was talking to my friend Saturday morning about how I was feeling. To me, it was nothing new. Nothing weird, I didn’t say anything different. Or suspicious. Nothing I might not have said the day before for instance. Of course, I talked to him about how miserable I was feeling, and how I didn’t really see how it could get any better, and to be frank; how I wanted to die.
But to be honest? I said that to him Friday aswell.

Suddenly he didn’t answer anymore. Although I could see he had been online since then (Whatsapp). Well ok, I figured he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I was a little hurt but I can understand it can be a burden to talk about heavy stuff like that. So I just let it go.

50 minutes later the doorbell rang.. I opened and TADAA, the police.

‘Somebody phoned us, saying they were worried about you’

Well just to paint a picture. My heart as racing, I was beyond scared. Brenda SCREAMED terror in my head ‘ABRAHAM!!’, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t even talk to the police. I just politely gave them my hand as a ‘Hi my name is……’ except, I couldn’t even say that. They asked me if they were allowed to come in. I couldn’t answer, all I could do was shake, and tears escaped from my eyes. I could notice one of them looking around and the other one focussing on my face (and my arm which is full of scars + a few fresh cuts). I was standing there in my pyjama’s, which means a tank top, and a short boxer pants. They were two huge men in uniform. Right in front of me. Very intimidating.

‘Can we go further?’
Brianna was still shaking and crying.
‘We’ll just go to the living room?’
Brianna was still shaking and looked at the living room.

I can’t even describe it. I know I texted my mum; Police is here. Get here now. < That I could do! Wow.
They started to ask me all kinds of questions. A part of me was still being smart, although Brenda was screaming, I knew… they’d put me in a cell if they take me.

One of the cops was real hard and not nice at all, he was very intimidating and scary to be honest. The other one was friendly actually, but unfortunately he didn’t say much. He did try to squeeze a sentence in when the other one was being so harsh and made me cry bad.

It all turned out ok.
My mum came, they left. I was ‘ok enough to not be taken away. I was not a danger to myself and/or others’.

But then I collapsed. I started crying like crazy. Shaking like crazy. I actually cried to my mum straight in her face saying ‘I need Abraham, mummy’.
I was sitting on the couch, she put a blanket over me and got me glass of water and my crisis medication.

Now, the day after…. I slept good thanks to the medication.
My house does not feel save. It’s like the police men are still sitting on the couch. Watching my every move. I don’t know what else to say except; my house isn’t save anymore right now.

xoxo
Brianna