I ended my last blog post with ‘What happened to me?’
I think (with a lot of help) I figured it out.
Yes, I was doing better. I was getting stable. I think I have never been that stable in all my life. And of course I wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Of course Polly noticed.. and of course Brandon and the other people at therapy noticed.
Without pointing fingers (because I don’t want to do that) I know that people at therapy have been having a hard time, struggling more than me. And then there was me, being stable.
The most logical thing to do was, let me do my thing, and focus on the people who are struggling.
Turns out… I was stable, BECAUSE of the structured help I was getting. When that went away, I was still moving forward, fixing stuff on my own, but the cracks that opened up, by the punches of all the triggers, weren’t glued shut at the same pace as before.
I tried, I really did, and I guess slowly but surely I started tumbling down.
It’s been a terribly long time since I’ve had crisis twice in one day (yesterday). Crying and screaming because of inner pain.
I feel alone and lost. Lying on the ground, gasping for air like crazy, which make me thirsty.. but there’s no water. It feels like I am barely surviving.
Of course there are moments when I feel a little better, but as before, the moments last a few hours. And I just know, anything can knock me down right now.
i understand this–it is almost more devastating to have been stable and fall from it, than to have never reached stability at all. unfortunately, i have no answers.
Thanks for your comment and support 🙂
I think I’m stable on my own too without realizing the things that are keeping me stable. I have fallen many times. I’m sorry you fell too. Hang in there, you will be stable again.
Thanks a lot! 🙂
I hear you. Hugs
Thanks for your support! 🙂 hugs xx
And lonely as it is..that loneliness..will be more lonely…ere it be less.. a blanker whiteness of benighted snow..with no expression..nothing to express..
What do you mean? I don’t really get it, I’m sorry
It’s a stanza from a poem by Frost. I’m sorry you don’t get it..