I ended my last blog post with ‘What happened to me?’
I think (with a lot of help) I figured it out.
Yes, I was doing better. I was getting stable. I think I have never been that stable in all my life. And of course I wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Of course Polly noticed.. and of course Brandon and the other people at therapy noticed.
Without pointing fingers (because I don’t want to do that) I know that people at therapy have been having a hard time, struggling more than me. And then there was me, being stable.
The most logical thing to do was, let me do my thing, and focus on the people who are struggling.
Turns out… I was stable, BECAUSE of the structured help I was getting. When that went away, I was still moving forward, fixing stuff on my own, but the cracks that opened up, by the punches of all the triggers, weren’t glued shut at the same pace as before.
I tried, I really did, and I guess slowly but surely I started tumbling down.
It’s been a terribly long time since I’ve had crisis twice in one day (yesterday). Crying and screaming because of inner pain.
I feel alone and lost. Lying on the ground, gasping for air like crazy, which make me thirsty.. but there’s no water. It feels like I am barely surviving.
Of course there are moments when I feel a little better, but as before, the moments last a few hours. And I just know, anything can knock me down right now.