Smile though your heart is aching

I’ll do what you expect me to
I’ll smile as you want me to
At home I’m still crying as I used to
& I promise, I wont show you

Yesterday I had therapy, and a talk with Brandon. It was very confronting, Brenda was very upset, I was tired. Brandon was asking me if I recognized myself in Stockholm syndrome. Questions about my father and the whole ‘hierarchy’ at home. It’s really blurry.

At one point, I don’t even remember how we got there, the thought came in to my mind… Brandon is telling me I’m a whore.. I’m my dad’s whore.

So Brandon was talking about something.. (God knows what)

Brandon; ……………………..
Me *while looking down*; So you’re saying I am his whore?
Brandon; That’s not what I’m saying.

Of course, I could believe him. And of course, that’s not what I did. I think I decided to test him. YET AGAIN. I knew, what I was expecting, I knew, the old Brandon, would respond like ‘plan A’ for instance, but there came Peter screaming in my head that he’s not saying it, but he’s thinking it.

So suspicious Brianna suddenly made direct eye contact with Brandon

Me; But that’s what you’re thinking? 

My voice was freakishly calm, without judgement in it.
Of course I made the eye contact to see the look on Brandons face, to really see if he was lying or not. But Brandon being who he is, plan A won, he kinda looked surprised at me for asking that and a little confused.

Brandon; no

I could see he really did not think I was a whore. I trust him. It’s save and ok now. In fact, it was save and ok all along. He passed the test.
And it’s weird to think of why would you test someone.
It’s not something I decide to do, of course, I’m doing it! I know that, because I learn to look at myself and my behaviour. But in that moment I am not aware of me testing him. I think it’s something in me that’s automatically doing that. Seeing if it’s still ok to ‘hang out’ or ‘talk with’ Brandon, is he still save.

xoxo
Brianna

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