You make me wanna hit you

Hi..

So uhm, this is probably gonna be a big complain post.

I had therapy today and a talk with Brandon.

Therapy didn’t go all too well, but ok. The individual talk, was horrible. I get SO depressed sometimes after talking to him. I don’t just feel like he ‘s pointing out my flaws but throwing it into my face and rubbing my nose into it. Like, STOP.
I really wanted to sit on the ground and just make a whole scene out of it. Throw stuff at him. HE DOES NOT GET ME.
I feel really misunderstood and I know it’s a trigger for me, but really… the feeling was awful. I did text my bestie right after and let the whole thing out and it felt good, had a nap and now I’m ok.
But just thinking of the damn talk makes me go crazy again.

I just really DONT think they can help me there. I’m not saying they’re not specialized, but like HELP ME! Brandon wanted to discuss some details with me about something trauma related, and I’m just like ‘are you serious?’ I just went to the doctors for self harm LAST FREAKING WEEK. I am NOT stable, why don’t we work on that!!! Or all the other stuff like the outer layer of the onion, he just cuts right through it. And then I’m stuck with myself the rest of the weekend. While he goes home to his family and has a wonderful time. I ‘m getting so frustrated with him and honestly I feel like just quitting my therapy there. I’m done. Why should I stay 6 more months there just to eat out of my damn nose and crawl on the ground. It’s a waste of my time. Specialized? My ass! I am NOT a rare type of cptsd, why is this so DIFFICULT? I feel like screaming and yelling at everything till someone comes and comforts me.
Like nobody (who needs to) understand me, understands me. Like my bestie does and Justy does, but the therapists don’t. They don’t even know me. They don’t even know my grandma is like the world to me. They don’t know about my big spear of spiders (Which makes me suicidal within 10 seconds/triggers me/I see flashbacks of spiders). They don’t know how I feel and think inside. What goes through my mind every damn day. That I  have been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and woke up with the biggest ugly swollen eyes ever. I have been so sad and crying because I feel so lonely. With their stupid behaviour they keep like teasing me. I really feel like kicking and screaming at them.

I am really not sure if it’s a good idea for me to go there on monday. It’s not helpful when I get the feeling I’m a lost cause, because I know I’m not. I just think I need someone who understand me better and maybe has a little more time. Brandon told me to ask Betty about seeing her every week for the last 6 months now. But she’ll probably think about that for 2 weeks and by then I’ll be buried under the ground. Ok, sorry, I hope not of course, but I just can’t even see myself 2 weeks from now. I’m worried about the rest of this week.
So maybe I’ll just go to therapy for the talk with Betty and not the group.

I feel they’re not being honest with me? IF they think I’m a  lost cause, then tell me! We’ll work on the whole euthanasia. Am I not a lost cause, THEN TELL ME WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR THE NEXT SIX DAMN MONTHS!

Can’t  handle me? That’s ok. BUT TELL ME. Don’t swirl me around till the time is up and then just ship me off to someone else.

I know I wont get Brandon to really like yell and stuff, he’s always calm and today he even smiled when I Was getting so frustrated. Like, WHATS SO FUNNY?
In that exact moment, I do not feel able to control myself. I really feel like screaming my lungs out to him just so he’ll understand how I feel or how this situation makes me feel

I’m getting so frustrated and angry. Of course it’s a big treatment centre and I’m not the only one there, but if you don’t know what to do, then at least say it.
Like when I told him that, he started blabbing about me not wanting to discuss details. There was a damn spider waiting for me at home in the living room, excuse me FOR NOT WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT!

I am unreasonable I KNOW THAT.

Fucking shoot me then. Let’s all be done with it.

I’m sorry if I scare or shock anyone with my honest thoughts. I don’t mean to, but I do want to be open here.

Advertisements

It’s not right but it’s ok?

Hello,

Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.

Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.

Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go? https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)

Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.

I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.

I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.

But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.

And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.

Ok, I  really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.

—-

 

Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though 😉 ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry 😉 )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.

I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes 😉
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)