So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking again, well.. most of the time I do that.
But it’s a mix of memories and present things about the stuff in the title.
I know I have a very big fantasy. I know I can have the ability to withdraw myself from the world, lock myself up in my room (or house right now, since I live alone) and forget I’m Brianna. Pretend I’m someone else, someone who has friends, people who love and support me. I did this A LOT when I was younger. I could spend all days in that fantasy world. I’d get annoyed for people coming into my room and interrupting my fantasy. I do know it’s not reality, but it can feel like it. I realize it’s not there, but I wish it was.
I do know when I got more friends and for instance being with people I really like makes me come out of that fantasy, because then I do know, the real world is more fun than the fantasy world. But of course shit happens in the real world. And yeah it does in the fantasy world as well, but there are friends and family who help me through it.
For instance, when someone hurts me in the real world, I could withdraw myself to the fantasy world, and get comforted there. So the pain isn’t that bad anymore.
I can live in my fantasy world for days, weeks, months & be okay with it.
Empathy and attachment, I do think I can have a lot of empathy. Maybe even too much. I guess things everyone can relate to are crying while watching movies. Movie’s can seriously cause a depression-like-feeling to me. I can be ‘depressed’ for weeks because of a movie. Last year I got into a crisis because of a movie (but that was mainly because it was so similar to a traumatic situation of mine) it taunted me for months. But also with books.. I realize it sounds very nerdy but I think a book can be a big cause for me to get depressed, slip into a depression. It doesn’t matter how big the book is, or how many pages it has. It can be 100 pages and I’ll be in tears, because maybe when (for instance) the person in the book gets hurt by someone, I feel the same hurt and offense. I can get immense sad because a book is ending. I don’t want it to, keep me in your world. Don’t throw me out.
When I was younger (about 13 years old I guess?) I read a big line of books from Robin Hobb, about a boy named Fitz, there were like 6 books, with a lot of pages, it was wonderful. But I got so depressed over the book. The boy Fitz, got left alone a lot, and then he met a stranger, and he’d hang out with that person for maybe 10 pages, and after the 10 pages the stranger left and I (!!!!) felt abandoned. :’) It’s crazy. I kept looking forward in the book, and I’d be like ‘ok, after only 300 pages we’ll get to see Billy again’ and after a few hours ‘Yay! Only 253 pages left!!! I can’t wait’ and I’d just drag myself along with the big loneliness of the guy, Fitz.
I can talk to someone for like 30 minutes, or maybe just even smile at someone and get attached to them. Or maybe it isn’t even real attachment. But anyway, I like them and imagine about them being in my life and just having a good friendship with them. It’s like I’m só desperate for some contact, some interaction.
On the other side, I can ditch people very easily as well. For instance my old psychologist, I was with her for 3 years, and she was my everything during those 3 years. Saw every different part of me. One time I got this quick appointment at 9 am. But I was a danger to myself and I had to wait for everything to conform all sorts of files to put me on a section. I must have sat at her table till 3 or 4 pm. I don’t remember much because I was dissociating a lot, but she had to cancel all her appointments for that day. Anyway, I was close with her, she meant a lot to me. And when it became clear she couldn’t help me and was going to transfer me to another place, I like cut the connection between us. First I was real sad and didn’t even know how to move on without her and suddenly it was like there was a switch in my head and I didn’t feel a thing about not seeing her anymore. I even avoided her, got annoyed at her for contacting me for a ‘proper goodbye’. I was all like ‘I dont need a goodbye, you’re already out of my system’, I did say goodbye to her in the end though and that felt good!
I had the same thing with my past 2 relationships. At some point in the end I knew it wasn’t working and we had to break up. I cried for days and suddenly I didn’t cry at all and was totally ok with it. When the actual break up came, I was actually happy/relieved.
And then there are people who I can not let go. I keep thinking about them, keep wishing they were here, keep getting hurt for being without them.
So… it’s a little tricky. I feel like a freak for saying this. But it is something I’m not happy with. I wish it was all a little more balanced. But I guess it’s the balance I can’t seem to find… in anything.