Adult acting like a child?

Hi,

So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.

 

So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..

xoxo
Brianna

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Moodswing much?

Hello,

Today has been a really weird day. I think I must have had any emotion possible. I know it seems like I might be exaggerating, but it’s how I feel my day was.
There were tons of things going through my head and I felt a lot, because of the many things going on in my head I also didn’t know what feeling went with what situation. So it was all kind of hazy.

Lets start at the beginning. I woke up, kinda tired cause of the little sleep I had. Which is my fault of course, I should’ve gone to bed earlier. I am a real  night hawk so that makes it difficult at this point. (sometimes there are other things like, intense fears or nightmares)
I got up, did everything I had to. When I drove to therapy (I go with a taxi(cab)) I wasn’t feeling well. I looked out my window, of course already thinking about 100 things at the same time, and suddenly I didn’t recognize the environment. It was weird cause a part of me recognized it and another part of me was freaking out like ‘where am I ? What is happening?’ which made me scared. I think it went wrong somewhere there. I am not sure what triggered me, the problem with thousand thoughts in your head, is that I never really understand what I might have thought that could triggered me. Ah well, I was really slipping away, something was pulling my consciousness back, taking me away. I’m never sure what that is exactly, maybe Brenda, maybe me? Anyway it is VERY hard to stay in the present and it costs me so much energy. I have to concentrate while everything in me is losing contact with the world. I did some exercises to stay in the present, the problem is, I have to do them constantly to stay in the present. When I arrived at therapy I was so tired and emotional about everything.

Then we had creative(art?) therapy, which Brenda hates. Cause my personal goal there is, to feel comfortable with using ‘strange’ objects. Strange as in they feel weird, like clay/crayons. Of course we were working with crayons. Brenda started crying, I really tried to calm her down by telling her ‘It’s ok, it’s just a crayon, it feels weird in our hand, but it’s not something bad’ but she kept on crying. I’m sorry, but really driving me insane. Usually I get really mad at her after a while, or sometimes just at the beginning. It’s tiresome to deal with her. Well Brenda was screaming and maybe to paint a picture for people who might not understand. Imagine, every feeling you have in your body screams at you ‘NO DONT DO IT, GET AWAY, RUN AWAY, HIDE, ITS NOT SAVE!’ and the rational part of me has to take a good look at the situation to see if there really is danger. Often I can’t even be rational, I get so scared because of the thoughts that are screaming in my head and the feelings who feed the thoughts. In the end, I did do a little bit with crayons, after that I was done. Enough. Brenda did calm down and went to the background again (she’s always commenting by the way, talking (not even to me?) so that doesn’t even bother me.) It’s when she screams and cry’s, when she’s demanding all attention, that’s when I go crazy.

The rest of the day was ok. Brenda was quite quiet and I was doing ok. Sometimes feeling bad about Randy (see previous post called ‘Where do the broken hearts go?’) and some other stuff.

I had a talk with my psychiatric nurse (who I’ll call Brandon) about how to change stuff. Basically I am really annoyed by the big separation of head & body. Thoughts & feelings. They never seem to match.
Last talk with Brandon was tough too.. I was having a lot of trouble dealing with my body and I guess he wanted me to acknowledge why. I said to him ‘I hate my body! I want it gone!’ He said; ‘why? what happened with your body?’ and then I went; ‘Nothing! I just hate it!’
Sometimes I feel like I’m back where I started. I don’t want to have a used body.. I want a clean one. I feel so dirty/disgusting. I don’t even want to acknowledge that I have been abused. Yep, I said it. I kind of want to erase it, but I wont.
Anyway, I do believe that the fact that I hate my body so much, makes the separations of head and body even bigger. Feelings are often in the body (as I have been told) and when I feel something, I am reminded of that stupid body. So I try to push that as far away as I can.
He said, what was true, that I really have to come to terms with my past before I can process it. I know he’s right, but its all so painful. I really don’t want to be that person 😦
But I have to, in order to become better, in order to achieve my dreams and goals. So I will. One step at a time.
The talk with him made me emotional/down, Brandon said he was glad about that, because that means my body and head agree on whats going on.

It also confused me, because I wasn’t really sure if I was feeling bad because of the whole acceptance thing, or because of Randy? I think both. Mostly acceptance though, but Randy as well. I’ve been thinking about that and I feel so stupid. I am the only one who is hurting from this. I was so stupid that I was willing to quit smoking for him. Sure, not only for him, but he would be like one of the 5 reasons. I am ashamed of myself.. how could I be so foolish? Thinking he liked me as much as I liked him. I wrote a poem when we were still dating, I’ll post in on here under poems. It’s painful reading that, but I feel I have to. Because back then, I really did feel all those feelings and it felt good. The one thing, that makes me feel like the stupidest person on earth, is that people warned me.. My best (guy) friend at the time told me he was using me. My sister said it as well.. And I was being stupid  like ‘No, I trust him’. So afterwards I had to come back to them with my tail between my legs telling them they were right.
What.. What kind of fool.. tears it apart? Leaving me in pain and sorrow. I only apologize for being as they say ‘the last to know’..

I feel like I have been writing too much.
I do want to write a blog especially about childhood trauma and my (currently) most painful struggle. Maybe I will tonight, but maybe tomorrow.

xoxo
Brianna