Uhm.. where do I start?
First; yesterday my brains we’re in a thinking mode. Today they are not able to think that much or just logical.
I wrote 3 blog posts yesterday, (right?) and it was about stuff in my head I was thinking about and mostly just social contact. Chances and stuff.
It somehow got too much for me, which I didn’t notice until it was too much. So somewhere I crossed my personal line of enough without noticing untill I was already far passed it.
I took my regular medication before sleeping and because I was afraid of a crisis I took my crisis medication as well. It knocks me out, which is needed most of the times. This time I took it pre-emptive. Which I do think was a good decision.
I do want to say that I really appreciate the comments I got, they were honest and i feel the people were just saying what they were really thinking. i can do a lot more with that, because it’s honest. So even though I, myself, should’ve stopped thinking about it at some point, i really DONT want anyone to feel bad about commenting. It is up to me to feel that line of ‘enough’ and just comment the next day or the day after that.
I wrote sometimes about how Betty kicks my ass. It’s figurativly of course and it hurts when she does it. But I know she does it to open up my eyes and confront me with my behaviour. So yeah it hurts, but it’s good she does that and I am thankful for that. I am not mad at her for doing it, better yet I am glad she does. Because by doing that she forces me to look at myself critically. Which in the end will make me (hopefully 😛 ) change stuff in my life/my behaviour and get me out of this pattern I am in.
So please, don’t feel bad about speaking your mind. It just might take some time for me to let it sink in and deal with it.
Lol, it is really hard to type this down, my fingers feel too tired to even type.
My mind is still spinning, but not in a logical way like it might have done yesterday at some point. Right now it’s just blurry and thoughts come up and go down without even having the time to think about the thoughts that come up, because they go down within no time and something else comes up.
So uhm, though it may hurt and it may have kicked my ass in some way ( 😉 ) I am thankful and I know the comments were made in my best interest.I want to thank you ladies for that. I will store it in my brain, but for now I feel I need to do something simple like listen to music, watch a movie etc. just to keep me sane and the attention off of me. The medication is keeping me low, but I feel a part of me fighting against that medication to break through. Which just isn’t good because i am afraid I will not be able to handle it.
So, THANK YOU.
Really, I appreciate it. 🙂 don’t feel bad. These comments may have hurt but also acted as a wake-up call to myself. I am not sure what kind of wake-up call yet, yeah about my share in the broken social contacts, but I am stuck at the point to turn that around in to something more healthy for myself. I will discuss it at therapy when there’s time for that. (It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know what Betty/Brandon wants me to act up on first. (Maybe the whole Brenda/dissociation part (and where in therapy that’ll fit), maybe the part of me and my mother, the fact that I keep on falling down, or this etc.)
I hope you all have a nice Sunday. Unfortunately here there’s no sun outside. But there’s always a possibility to create it inside!
Thanks for the time and effort!