Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

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Adult acting like a child?

Hi,

So this is going to be a post about me thinking(writing?) out loud.

Things I have read on the internet, books and heard from therapists mixed together. So I know a lot of the information (especially internet, is not reliable) so I’m just discussing with myself whats going on 😛 trying to figure it out. And maybe wondering what your views are on this.

So, childhood trauma has effects on you as an adult. I guess everybody agree’s on that.
Point 2, to me, is HOW it affects you. One point I am struggling with right now is the regulation of emotions. I do hear a lot that I am acting like a child, which i can understand and agree with. However, I am not a child. I’m an adult. I’m in my 20’s (early 20’s, but still an adult). I have read and heard that acting like a child, could be because of the stop in the emotional development (due to trauma). However your brain, and I guess knowledge and stuff, moves/develops on. So you are able to think like an adult, but just not act like one?

So that would mean that you’re emotionally still a child? But a child needs growing up… which needs guidance… sooo… who will guide you into growing up? Since you only get one set of parents, and maybe those parents were unable to do it properly, or how society might want, so that you can fit in. I don’t think anyone else will be able to take the role of parent, especially when you’re an adult. What is the point of therapy? If you process your trauma’s correctly, the child thing will go away? So by processing your trauma, your emotional development will speed up to your age? While (as far as I know) EMDR (for instance) puts the trauma in a place in your brain, where it belongs ‘correctly’, and the strong feelings with it soften. So it doesn’t bother you as much in your daily life. You wont forget, but it wont hurt as much. How does this help your emotionality (is that a word xD?) grow up?

I know small children, like toddlers, can have outbursts of anger and sadness. In which they might not realize what they’re doing with other people, when they act like that. So you have to limit them, as a parent, in a correct way. So having childhood trauma, means you weren’t limited or weren’t limited in a correct way (for instance by hitting a child whenever it showed emotion?). When the trauma is over and the child/adult is save, it continue’s where he/she has remained (being a toddler, emotional).

A situation, when a child is acting out (we’ve all seen the british nanny program right 😛 ? ) he gets a time out. I do know people give me a time out, when I’m getting too much. When I’m angry (or sad) I’ll be pissed for the damn time out. So I’ll scream and yell till that person is willing to talk to me again. And IF that person maintains the ‘ignoring’ long enough, I’ll probably give up and cry and calm down. My ex used to do this with me, which made me furious. He’d tell me ‘I’m going to stop talking to you, you aren’t being reasonable, so we can talk again when you’re calmer’. I’d flip out, he’s leaving? I’d just continue with yelling. Of course he couldn’t take it (I do have to say, I tell them very personal stuff, like that I hate them..) and he told me ‘I’m not going to talk to you for 2 hours, I’ll see if you’re calmer after that’. Well then I went all crazy (as far as i wasn’t already 😉 ) and I’ll literally tell him anything to just have him talk to me. Ignoring is SO painful. And yeah, maybe after 30/45 minutes of yelling and stuff I’ll give up, and be tired from my whole tantrum and just wait the rest of the time. When he talked to me after the 2 hours, I was calm again. However, I really can’t describe the intense feelings when he is ignoring me, or when he gives me a sort of ultimatum about me having to stop, otherwise he WILL ignore me. It’s like I panick and having him ignore me is the worst thing and might kill me. (Though rationally I KNOW I have to calm down, and won’t be able to when he’s around or when I’m talking to him)

This is incredibly exhausting for another person (I think). However, It didn’t get less over time. I kept acting like a child. Trying to push his buttons and when I did, he’d get angry, and when he got angry, I would get angry as well, and tell him all kinds of stuff. But whenever he said 1 bad thing about me, I’d lose it and remember it for the rest of our relationship.

In time I did learn how to ‘take responsibility’ (if you can call it that) for my outbursts, I’d be incredibly sorry and ashamed and afraid he’d leave me for it.

Is this me having the emotionality of a child? To be honest, is annoy’s me! And the other people around me as well of course.
I did know some people who had clear limits and were very open, honest and strict about them. In the time that I knew them, I wouldn’t even dare to cross it. I knew the consequences and I was too afraid. But then again, I didn’t know them for very long, or didn’t keep in contact with them, so I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had known them for a year. Usually they are people who don’t get mad easily and are self-assured.

And of course, I wrote this before, but people tend to see me as sweet, innocent, fragile etc. Which I’m not. Well, maybe I am sensitive, but I’m a real bitch.

 

So what is this ‘acting like a child’ thing. I do hear it a lot with BPD (borderline personality disorder) as well, but some people with BPD don’t have a childhood trauma, soo….. why do they do it?
How do you ‘cure’ the acting like a child? How do you grow up emotionally, when you are an adult and/or when the parent isn’t available as parent anymore?
Is there a limit prior to you should’ve learned it, otherwise you never will?

I’m just really thinking about this kind of stuff. You hear a lot of manipulating and stuff. But I don’t think people realize that I (for instance) hate being like this. Hate acting like it. Hate not having the control over my emotions. Getting angry about the smallest things. Not being able to calm down. Push someone’s buttons without realizing I’m pushing/testing them. I HATE it. I want to STOP it.
(See the image of a child irritating his mother, with a big smile, because the mother is telling the child it’s not ok to do that, but I guess the child just pushes further until the mother gets angry. And when she gets angry the child starts to cry) How do you stop the child for going further after being told it was NOT ok to do that? I DO realize it’s not ok.. like someone is taking control over me and keeps on doing it. I do realize I should stop.. I just can’t?
I do want to say that I’m not like this with everyone. LUCKILY! But almost every relationship.. and intense friendship. And unfortunately to my therapists as well. But in a different way, I did not even realize I was testing Betty and Brandon and the whole ‘crew’ until Betty told me I have to quit because she understands why I do it, but she doesn’t accept it. And yeah, that shut me up. For the time being though, a few months later I was doing it again! (And she had to be like ‘Brianna, stop’) -_- *pulls out hair*

I really don’t believe that anyone who acts like that, is happy with acting like that. Clearly it doesn’t get you anywhere. Except loneliness. (But then again, the big fear of abandonment is why you do it…….. so THIS JUST DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!)

Ahhh the mind is a weird thing.
So is mental illness. It’s complex…. it’s not just take this pill for a few day’s and you’re cured. Wish it was though..

xoxo
Brianna