Ignorance is bliss

Last christmas, I hung 3 pictures in my christmas tree. Of the three people who stood by me the most in 2013. It was my (current) bestie, Justy and Abraham.

I’d say, ignorance is bliss in that situation.

Had I known that bestie wouldn’t be my best friend anymore and Abraham would turn away from me, even after an open conversation. And last week at some point I thought I’d lose Justy aswell, I’d really think ‘why would I even care?’

I had a real tough week but had good distraction as well so it had a lot of balance luckily.

I got the comment thrown at my head from a ‘close friend’ that ‘she is always happy’ (he wasn’t talking about me, obviously) it was a real slap in the face. And to me, freaking unfair to say. First of all, nobody is ever always happy. Second of all, don’t like it? Go away.

I know I got a lot to offer somebody. If you don’t appreciate it, then go away. I don’t want to waste my time, energy or even my tears on people who don’t deserve it.

I have an exciting week ahead. It’ll be my last week with just the three of us, at the end of the week, our fourth family member will join us!
Anyway, it’s planned and packed with loads of stuff. Mostly fun things though and meeting up with people.

Gotta admit, feeling shaky on my legs, I feel the need to cry and crawl away (since it’s evening I’ll just go do that in bed and sleep) and face this new week.


Plan A or B?


So tomorrow I have an appointment at the new therapy unit. It’ll be with someone from my old unit though and Brandon will work there aswell. I’ve got two plans.
By the way, I got to tell, my mood is kinda low. I feel really alone and misunderstood.

Plan A; Go there, throw myself at their shoes. Beg for a hug, and for them to listen to me. To give me some comfort. Cry because FINALLY there’s someone around who understands me and SEE’S me. Praise the Lord. Kiss the ground.

I’m really not kidding.

Plan B; Just do as I’m told. Act all cool. It’s an ‘official’ appointment.  To see if they can do anything for me and stuff.. But anyway, don’t act all desperate.

Obviously plan A is all emotional an B all rational. Now where is C? A nice mix of both.

The appointment will be at 9.30 am. Right after that I’ll meet with some girls from my old therapy group, which probably will be good. They are more understanding.
I feel a major ocean of tears coming up. I better brace myself, and Brenda, although we’ll probably just entwine.

Why tear each other apart?
Please tell me why
Why do we make it so?
I look at us now
We only got ourselves to blame
It’s such a shame

So come and face me now
Here on this stage tonight

Let’s leave the past behind us

What’s come between us?
Only tear drops


It – honestly – breaks my heart, to stumble upon misunderstandings, or any kind of walls. Upon mouths being shut and heads being turned. Especially those who used to look and lend a hand.
And just to make it a little bit more painful, it only seems to break my heart.


There’s no fighting against this force


We met as soul mates on Parris Island
We left as inmates from an asylum
And we were sharp, as sharp as knives
And we were so gung ho to lay down our lives

We came in spastic like tameless horses
We left in plastic as numbered corpses
And we learned fast to travel light
Our arms were heavy but our bellies were tight

We had no home front, we had no soft soap
They sent us Playboy, they gave us Bob Hope
We dug in deep and shot on sight
And prayed to Jesus Christ with all of our might

We had no cameras to shoot the landscape
We passed the hash pipe and played our Doors tapes
And it was dark, so dark at night
And we held on to each other
Like brother to brother
We promised our mothers we’d write

And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together

Remember Charlie, remember Baker
They left their childhood on every acre
And who was wrong? And who was right?
It didn’t matter in the thick of the fights

We held the day in the palm of our hands
They ruled the nights, and the nights
Seemed to last as long as six weeks…

…On Parris Island
We held the coastline, they held the highlands
And they were sharp, as sharp as knives
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted the rotors
And waited for us to arrive

And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together



This song reminds me of PTSD so much. It’s written about the war and veterans.. but I relate to it as childhood trauma as well.

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.


I yearn for some credit


When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no 😉 )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy 🙂 she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home 😀 .
Then we’ll be a family of four 🙂 with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok 🙂


The medicated world


Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7 zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least 🙂

Current state; head above water, finally!


Inside and outside

“Wow you’re so lucky, your mother is so great”

I had a birthday party quite recently. My birthday party.
I invited the girls over to my place, which was the first time for most of them.

They were all flabbergasted about the huge size of my apartment and the fact that my mum got this arranged for me. And of course I heard the sentences “you really have a cool mom” and “you’re really lucky with a mom like that”

A part of me was really hurt and another part felt like it wasn’t ok to feel hurt. Because it’s true right? My mum bought a house, so I could go live in it, before she could.

I talked to Justy about it (I talk to Justy a lot) and there are a few details left out above.

My mum bought this house so I could live in it = correct. (I still pay a lot of money every month to live here btw)

But.. my mom bought me this house BECAUSE I could not live with her anymore. And why not? Because she was living with her boyfriend (aka a replica of my dad). He triggered me so much, he made my life terrible. And she was not able to stand up for me. Whatever he did, it was ok. He chased away my sister.. my mom did nothing. I got hospitalized because of him, we had an argument. She did nothing.

So it came to a point.
Am I going to stand up for my daughter or am I going to have to get her a place of her own?

Yep, she chose the second one. I am really lucky with a mom like that.

Where is my life jacket?

I phoned with the therapist I emailed yesterday. I’m predicting I’ll phone her again tomorrow since I’m crying right now.

Today I got the OK from her to just zombie myself with oxazepam to deal with this. Basically and to be honest, there’s nothing to do against this kind of pain. And yep, it’s unbearable. So make it bearable with oxazepam.

I crawled back to bed and texted with Justy meanwhile I still felt like my inside was dying. My face was (and is) totally screwed up from all the crying. Suddenly Justy said; I’m coming over.

What a sweetheart ❤ it was definitely nice having her around. Although I do feel I was not much fun. I actually walked around with sunglasses because of my swollen eyes, but the cool wind outside did help a lot.

Right now she’s gone home and I’m on my couch again feeling like I’m dying bit by bit. It’s just never-ending nonsense! I really feel like calling that friend from yesterday (with whom I sat in the park) and just ask him to just hug me. Or for that matter even ask Brandon to just hold me. But I know I’ll never EVER do that with Brandon.

And to be honest, that friend and me have a whole history and the big question really is, is it smart for me to go ask him for help? Rationally I’d say; no.
But emotionally (instinctively > dying > instinct wants to live > anything to live) I’d say; yes.
Or maybe it’s just pain and it’s automatism to want to stop it directly. To me it’s a hug. Well whatever it is… it’s out of reach.

“You have to try to get those kind of things from yourself”

I can almost hear Brandon telling me that. But how the hell can I get comfort from myself, when all I can feel is this big ball of pain. How is there any comfort in that?

“Stop fighting it”

I’m not fighting it. It just hurts. It’s killing me.

Brandon, where are you?

Rational and sober?


Sober isn’t the right word though but I’m starting to think that rational and sober aren’t really working for me right now.
I had a terrible and ok day at the same time.

I’m glad I met up with my friend first, whom I asked because I was feeling bad, we had a nice time sat outside on a bench (sun was shining etc) and talked a bit. He asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t really able to talk about it, I told him a little bit and started crying immediately so I decided just not to talk about it.
After that I met up with another friend to go to a festival, it was fun. But I really felt clouds above my head. I think the fact that I had some (human)distraction was the only thing that stopped the rain from coming out of the clouds.

But as we walked home from the festival the clouds started smothering me. Though my friend was still with me, she saw I was about to burst in to tears.

I want so much to stay rational and not to let this feeling win. But it’s like I’m fighting on my own, maybe with 1 friend at my side, against 3 million soldiers.

I remember telling the friend I went to the festival with that the pain inside felt unbearable. It’s just too much. And as I got home and the tears came out, it really was awful. I know it sounds weird or dramatic.. but it’s at that point where I grab the couch with one hand just to keep a hold to something because the pain inside is so strong, so much, so overwhelming. It’s killing. and I don’t feel like I can take it on my own.
How can someone stay rational during that?!

Anyway, I emailed my therapist and decided (against my principles) to take an oxazepam. I just could not handle the evening and night any other way.
Tomorrow I will call the therapist I emailed.

When I’m looking back at all this stuff. The unstable-ness (I think) really started april 2nd. The morning I was last brought with the taxi to therapy. It was a terrible ride and I start crying right now, when I think about it. I immediately stopped taking the taxi. I remember getting out of the cab and I broke. I called my health insurance (they pay for the taxi) and I just cried on the phone telling them what happened and that I really didn’t want to be driven by that chauffeur anymore. They actually were very nice to me and usually the costumer has to make an official complaint. But I just couldn’t stop crying. They phoned me back an hour later, I was still crying, shaking, hyperventilating and that’s when they decided they would file the complaint for me.
The afternoon Abraham picked me up and I actually never used the taxi anymore.

I’m just wondering.. did that set me off? Was the trigger that big?

So.. right now. Drunk on medication is the only way for me to live. But I don’t want to go through life like a zombie. So why not shoot me right now?



I want…


I’ve noticed myself wishing for stuff lately.

Today I told Justy ‘I want Brandon’. And I think that’s something I hardly ever say. But it’s good. It means Brandon has become someone save to me. Just too bad he’s not available right now.
After a small break, the tears are back to accompany me through the day.

So I decided to follow up some advice. Be honest and say; I need some distraction because I’m not doing well, can we meet up?  He said ‘yes, sweet of you to ask me’ and now I’m on my way over.