Rational and sober?


Sober isn’t the right word though but I’m starting to think that rational and sober aren’t really working for me right now.
I had a terrible and ok day at the same time.

I’m glad I met up with my friend first, whom I asked because I was feeling bad, we had a nice time sat outside on a bench (sun was shining etc) and talked a bit. He asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t really able to talk about it, I told him a little bit and started crying immediately so I decided just not to talk about it.
After that I met up with another friend to go to a festival, it was fun. But I really felt clouds above my head. I think the fact that I had some (human)distraction was the only thing that stopped the rain from coming out of the clouds.

But as we walked home from the festival the clouds started smothering me. Though my friend was still with me, she saw I was about to burst in to tears.

I want so much to stay rational and not to let this feeling win. But it’s like I’m fighting on my own, maybe with 1 friend at my side, against 3 million soldiers.

I remember telling the friend I went to the festival with that the pain inside felt unbearable. It’s just too much. And as I got home and the tears came out, it really was awful. I know it sounds weird or dramatic.. but it’s at that point where I grab the couch with one hand just to keep a hold to something because the pain inside is so strong, so much, so overwhelming. It’s killing. and I don’t feel like I can take it on my own.
How can someone stay rational during that?!

Anyway, I emailed my therapist and decided (against my principles) to take an oxazepam. I just could not handle the evening and night any other way.
Tomorrow I will call the therapist I emailed.

When I’m looking back at all this stuff. The unstable-ness (I think) really started april 2nd. The morning I was last brought with the taxi to therapy. It was a terrible ride and I start crying right now, when I think about it. I immediately stopped taking the taxi. I remember getting out of the cab and I broke. I called my health insurance (they pay for the taxi) and I just cried on the phone telling them what happened and that I really didn’t want to be driven by that chauffeur anymore. They actually were very nice to me and usually the costumer has to make an official complaint. But I just couldn’t stop crying. They phoned me back an hour later, I was still crying, shaking, hyperventilating and that’s when they decided they would file the complaint for me.
The afternoon Abraham picked me up and I actually never used the taxi anymore.

I’m just wondering.. did that set me off? Was the trigger that big?

So.. right now. Drunk on medication is the only way for me to live. But I don’t want to go through life like a zombie. So why not shoot me right now?



9 thoughts on “Rational and sober?

  1. I was trying to leave a comment here and my laptop died. So I’ll try again. It sounds like things went horribly the with your taxi driver. I’m so sorry about that. I hope you’re still getting to your therapy sessions though. Sounds like you’re having a really rough time right now 😦 Am sending you lots of virtual hugs. I hope you get some decent rest tonight.

    • Thanks for your support and comment! I think the impact was indeed bigger than I expected. Thanks for the virtual hugs! Hope you can get some rest too! Youre in my thoughts xx

  2. it is so extremely difficult to remember that this overwhelming, suffocating depression is not you or your life. that it is just an emotion throwing a huge, monstrous tantrum trying to take you over.

    i am really impressed with your strength and fight. you impress me with your ability to recognize that it is not you, that it is not rational. being aware enough to call friends to help stabilize and ground you for the day is incredibly aware and takes immense strength to initiate and to carry out.

    but it really sounds like you are close to your breaking point, so i hope you have a good crisis line (that will only come to take you to hospital if you express SI or you ask) and will be that person to help ground you for as long as you need. i hope you get in touch with your emailed then phoned therapist, and that you have some other things to distract/ground you while you are alone.

    i wish i could sit next to you, just companionably, no demands, but a friendly presence. so instead i send you my virtual company and hope you know i am right there nearby.

    • You really have no idea how much your comment mean ot me. I really feel supported and heard by you. Thanks so much for your kind words and compliments.
      I also feel I am very close to my breaking point. I talked to the email person today on the phone and that helped. She told me I could phone her anytime I want, even later today again if I feel the need to.

      Thanks for your virtual company, I feel your presence 🙂 xx

  3. Aw, that sucks! But so good that you stood up for yourself! We often feel horrible after standing up for ourselves, and many times reality supports that. I’ve been battling outside triggers a lot lately. When I was very young, I would release my anger onto that person (whoever triggered me) and then drink a lot of alcohol to deal with the pain that I felt afterwards. Now the problem has only grown worse, but so glad that I am sober from alcohol.

    One day at a time, and you are not alone!!!

    More virtual hugs, 🙂


  4. One thing that amazes me is that you continually reach out in spite of the pain you feel. I’m glad for that. Don’t worry about the meds right now. If they see you through until things get better, that’s okay. I see a lot of strength in you. ((hug)).

    • Thanks a lot Mandy! I phoned with the therapist today and actually the told me the exact same thing. She told me not to worry about the meds and maybe even take more during the day, just temporary, until I can handle it a little bit more or until the sharpness goes away.

      • Oh good! Now you can relax about that. I’m one who has always worried about meds too. But now that I have this new thing of deciding to trust my therapist, I’ll not worry so much if he brings it up. One day at a time!

Leave a Reply to cptsd2013 Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s