Hi, my name is Frank

TRIGGERING due to talk about self harm, negativity etc. 

Hi,

So just to be Frank, and by Frank I do mean totally, brutally Frank.

I know I’ve become fatter. I’ve gained weight. Not only was I already overweight but I actually managed to become even more overweight. I can see my normal bra not being able to contain this huge disgusting breast anymore. It disgusts me.
My enormous belly, full of fat, has become even bigger. Where these ugly breasts just lean on, because, let’s face it, they do need some place to hang out. Apparently my tummy is the hot spot right now.

This is one of those moments, I am able to call the doctors (eventhough it’s 12.04 am over here) and ask them to cut away all my fat because it’s disgusting)

It’s triggering. WHY DO I KEEP ON EATING? Jesus. Like I’m not ugly enough already. The only thing I seem to do is sit on the couch ALL DAY LONG. So the least I can do, is STOP EATING. I feel like I want to just tear off my arm and just start slapping myself in the face with it. I AM SO ANGRY.

I DONT want to go to therapy tomorrow. What can I wear? EVERYBODY WILL SEE THIS DISGUSTING BODYFAT.

Well it’s not weird. I’ve had the dumbest food schedule ever. Weirdest medication.
Right now, I’m just done. I’m about to cry. Oh, here I go. If only the tears had some calories in them. I hate myself. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m such a failure.

Self loathe washes over me and I can not do anything about it. Well I want to.. but I can’t. A part of me wants.

I should go to bed, right?
But the problem is. I only feel a little bit ok in bed, if I have a movie on my laptop… AND SOMETHING TO EAT IN THIS FILTHY WHORE MOUTH OF MINE.

I don’t know what to do.

Just sinking deeper and deeper.

Get me out of this body. GET ME OUT.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Hi, my name is Frank

  1. Okay, i think it’s save to say that I’ve calmed down. lorazepam is the medication I took to calm down and praise the Lord for that because the 20 minutes waiting for it to kick in was just me crying and internally begging for realese. And right now I’m calm enough to go rush into bed and figure out tomorrow, with a clear head, what to do, about my weight.

  2. Filthy whore mouth? Damn good writing and metaphor. BTW it’s not what we look like; I’m fat, too; it’s how we feel. i did best when I stopped thinking about the fat and started taking care of myself. Of course it took years of work to change my focus. Yes, I know when I’m having a panic attack that 10 to 20 minute wait seems like forever and that I’m gonna die. I had to own everything that happened to me that got me where I am. It’s understandable if you know the back story. Most people don’t know my back story when they see me, I think they judge, truly they probably don’t even think about me at all. If I took out all that fat in one huge glob, what would keep my ribcage from falling into my hips? this is how we’re designed, for hunting and gathering and feast/famine. Doesn’t go well with our post industrial culture. screw em. I am who and what I am and it’s fully appropriate to what I’ve lived through. It’s not the mileage, it’s the road surface that causes the damage. We’ve travelled the rough roads. we have the scars to prove it.

    • Thanks for your comment!

      It’s indeed how we feel.. Because to be honest, a week ago, I didnt feel like that about myself (i actually thought I could be pretty sometimes), but something triggered me (I think) which made me not being able tolerate this body beneath my head, and I connect the fat/visibility to the abuse (i think) which makes everything just explode in my head.

  3. Awesome post… I can totally relate to it. In our depression, we let ourselves go and it’s even more depressing to look at the deep pit we have gotten into. One step at a time, one moment in time is all that we can do. Blessings to you!

Feel free to leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s