Still sick

Just wrote a piece. Feel like shit.
Don’t have any energy to write something in English, so here just a poor translation.

I ‘m really afraid I ‘m a terrible baby now . Ah well.
So I have the flu . No biggie. But I ‘m a real nag . Too sensitive for anything and always wanting to have someone with me . But now even more so. It is the 2nd time I’ve been sick since I live here ( end of december I’ll be here for a year ) Normally I get sick once in every two years . I hate this so much . And I am  very aware of my body being ill and that’s something I am not used to. The awareness of my body makes old feelings (often still in the present ) come back up
Like my ” alarm ” is activated by simply experiencing a body under my ( supposedly) floating head. something happens ! Help ! And that feeling fueled equal to despair and, as if it comes hand in hand , the suicidal feelings/thoughts as well. I hate it , because it started Friday (the flu) and it’s not over yet. I really want to go grab Brandons leg and beg him to help me tomorrow . But what will that do? Nothing.
I need to learn to put things in perspective and realize that it is 2013 and I’m only experiencing the flu, unfortunately it does not feel like just the flu. It feels like so much more .

I feel so incredibly bad and that really sucks. I can not do this. I can not feel it. I can not stand it. HELP ME
Rationally , I know that’s old feelings and thoughts talking. But emotionally I’m stuck. In And my rational side does not seem to know how to get on one page with my emotional side.

I can just hear Betty asking the eternal question (she always does ) how come you get so stuck? Why can’t you get yourself out of that feeling. WELL I DONT KNOW

With Brandon , I get the feeling that he just remains calm as always and says that iit’ll be ok in the end, it’s the trauma etc.

I would just like to see Brandon real bad …. beg him and I hate that I’m thinking like that , and also for writing it down .. but it’s true .
It really is surviving. Not tolerate, enduring and definitely not living .
And I hate it a lot , LIKE COME ON
Tired . So tired .
Let me rest .
Often, people think I’m a drama queen , and I understand that very well . I just don’t like being a dramaqueen… when i feel like this I’m really able to yell and scream it all out. ( I guess that’s the Brenda part? )
And afterwards the big shame because of it. Because I really do realize that it is just ‘ exaggerating ‘, my reaction. But at that moment it’s what I truly feel to be honest. Screaming for help, because I feel I can’t handle this. Begging for someone to hear me and help me ( like now , even though I can seem to put it down all neat )

Maybe it helps writing about it? Who knows .



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