Major trigger warning! a lot of self-hatred in this post, sh & abuse
I really despise myself right now.
Why? I can’t do anything good. I’m a freak! I just sit here like a fat whale on my couch, unable to move all this damn fat of this damn disgusting body. I really should be slaughtered as soon as freaking possible.
So what do I do? I call my mum. Why? Because this whale can’t seem to find any fish on dry land.
I wish I could just tear myself apart. Have someone beat me to death. It sounds weird, and completely crazy, but I miss the feeling… I miss having to disconnect myself. I can NOT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I hate myself so damn much. I can’t even look at myself anymore, it’s disgusting. I feel like grabbing a blade and just start slashing into my body.
I feel like begging someone to kill me. I’d do it.. if I knew that person would do it. I don’t want to be me. I hate me. Me is disgusting. Me is gross.
Why am I so much trouble? Why can’t I just get a slap in the face and just act normal. I must be hideous for people not wanting to be around me. Who can blame them? I would not want to be around hideous people as well!
All I ever do is eat, eat, eat. I should get lipo suction, they’d probably get 478 kilo from me. And I’d still be fat. FATTER THAN FAT.
Everything about me is UGLY. My hair, My skin colour, my toe’s, my hands, my arms, my tummy, my chest, my legs, my neck, my throat, my nails. And sure I can try to make it prettier than it is by putting on make-up and jewelery, but the ugliness will win in the end.
Maybe I just should take my crisis medication and dive into bed. But I don’t deserve that sweet salvation. I should feel this. Feel what I really am. YUCK.