A long time no writing.
Yeah, I had pretty hectic days. A lot of emotions. Still do, but I want to write something. Just get things off my chest.
Therapy wise is probably the best for me not to talk about right now.. just to stall it to monday.
Loneliness is still a big part of my life. I do make a little more contact, like when I go outside, I brush my hair, put on some make-up +earrings. So when someone does recognize me, I don’t need to feel ashamed of being outside while looking sick or something.
The past week every night ended in me crying, waking up with ugly swollen eyes.
Broke down in front of Polly as well.
My mum has been here every night the past week, I’m really feeling low and down. Though I have my good moments as well! But the thing that reminds me the most is just the tears, a lot of tears.
Right now my mums kitten is here with me. He’s staying till Sunday cause my mum is going out-of-town tomorrow (Just realised this right now. out-of-town means she won’t be able to come over if I need to!!!! SHIT!) so he’s with me. Baby girl is pretty angry at him, baby boy is ok. And the kitten is very afraid. He did hide a lot around my mum, but she left like an hour ago, so now he doesn’t really seem to know what to do. Poor thing 😦 wish I could tell him she’s coming back for him sunday. And that he’s save and okay with me/here.
I feel a little stuck. But I do feel ok.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, like, I’m just blabbing.
It just feels to dangerous to go into detail about therapy for example, which has a big part in my head right now, because I’m afraid it’ll trigger a major reaction.
Right now, just keep going without feeling. Gonna focus on kitten feeling save here.
And just trying to express my feelings with quotes + songs + pictures =) that usually calms me down. Like there is a way to let the things out I want to say, but I just don’t know how. But with the quote/picture/song I do..
So here are a few;
When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch
Since you’ve been gone… Every morning when I get out of bed, I look into the mirror hoping to find my smile. But as usual, no smile. I look and I look, but it’s nowhere to be found.
I keep my eyes peeled wherever I go, but still no luck. When I try to think just where it might be… I can’t help but wonder.. if maybe you know where I left my smile,
’cause the last time I saw it, I was with you.
Don’t want to leave,
but we both know
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart, so until then
Wanna smile, wanna cry
Saying Goodbye ~ Muppets Take Manhattan
Good-Bye is an easy word to say but try saying it to a friend. If I never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as real, never knowing I could feel.~Pocahontas
I miss you like hell
Even though you’re still around
The fact you don’t want to talk
Makes me go insane with the pain
I feel inside my chest
Gasping for some air
I know will hurt when I breathe
Because every breath reminds me..
I can’t live without you
I just wish the people who left, were still around. Well actually it’s just 3 people. But I miss them so much. (Oh, here come the tears)
After a while you learn to live half alive, until something reminds you of the part that is missing, and then it’s like I can feel myself living half.. like there is this huge part missing, and nobody is able to live with half of their body, it just not possible. It’s like I’m dying, slowly, but surely. The pain eats me up alive. (And I AM well aware that with my moodswings, within an hour, or maybe just 15 or 30 minutes, I can feel like the happiest girl in the world. But that really doesn’t make this any less painful right now)
I don’t really know where I’m going. It does feel like people will think I’m exaggerating and being a drama queen. But isn’t a part of the cptsd/moodswings that every little thing feels 10 times more intense?
I don’t know who measured that
Anyway, feels like a lame-ass post. But I’ll post it anyway.
To sum it up; I feel a little bit lost without you & I’m a bloody big mess inside