So uhm, this is probably gonna be a big complain post.
I had therapy today and a talk with Brandon.
Therapy didn’t go all too well, but ok. The individual talk, was horrible. I get SO depressed sometimes after talking to him. I don’t just feel like he ‘s pointing out my flaws but throwing it into my face and rubbing my nose into it. Like, STOP.
I really wanted to sit on the ground and just make a whole scene out of it. Throw stuff at him. HE DOES NOT GET ME.
I feel really misunderstood and I know it’s a trigger for me, but really… the feeling was awful. I did text my bestie right after and let the whole thing out and it felt good, had a nap and now I’m ok.
But just thinking of the damn talk makes me go crazy again.
I just really DONT think they can help me there. I’m not saying they’re not specialized, but like HELP ME! Brandon wanted to discuss some details with me about something trauma related, and I’m just like ‘are you serious?’ I just went to the doctors for self harm LAST FREAKING WEEK. I am NOT stable, why don’t we work on that!!! Or all the other stuff like the outer layer of the onion, he just cuts right through it. And then I’m stuck with myself the rest of the weekend. While he goes home to his family and has a wonderful time. I ‘m getting so frustrated with him and honestly I feel like just quitting my therapy there. I’m done. Why should I stay 6 more months there just to eat out of my damn nose and crawl on the ground. It’s a waste of my time. Specialized? My ass! I am NOT a rare type of cptsd, why is this so DIFFICULT? I feel like screaming and yelling at everything till someone comes and comforts me.
Like nobody (who needs to) understand me, understands me. Like my bestie does and Justy does, but the therapists don’t. They don’t even know me. They don’t even know my grandma is like the world to me. They don’t know about my big spear of spiders (Which makes me suicidal within 10 seconds/triggers me/I see flashbacks of spiders). They don’t know how I feel and think inside. What goes through my mind every damn day. That I have been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and woke up with the biggest ugly swollen eyes ever. I have been so sad and crying because I feel so lonely. With their stupid behaviour they keep like teasing me. I really feel like kicking and screaming at them.
I am really not sure if it’s a good idea for me to go there on monday. It’s not helpful when I get the feeling I’m a lost cause, because I know I’m not. I just think I need someone who understand me better and maybe has a little more time. Brandon told me to ask Betty about seeing her every week for the last 6 months now. But she’ll probably think about that for 2 weeks and by then I’ll be buried under the ground. Ok, sorry, I hope not of course, but I just can’t even see myself 2 weeks from now. I’m worried about the rest of this week.
So maybe I’ll just go to therapy for the talk with Betty and not the group.
I feel they’re not being honest with me? IF they think I’m a lost cause, then tell me! We’ll work on the whole euthanasia. Am I not a lost cause, THEN TELL ME WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR THE NEXT SIX DAMN MONTHS!
Can’t handle me? That’s ok. BUT TELL ME. Don’t swirl me around till the time is up and then just ship me off to someone else.
I know I wont get Brandon to really like yell and stuff, he’s always calm and today he even smiled when I Was getting so frustrated. Like, WHATS SO FUNNY?
In that exact moment, I do not feel able to control myself. I really feel like screaming my lungs out to him just so he’ll understand how I feel or how this situation makes me feel
I’m getting so frustrated and angry. Of course it’s a big treatment centre and I’m not the only one there, but if you don’t know what to do, then at least say it.
Like when I told him that, he started blabbing about me not wanting to discuss details. There was a damn spider waiting for me at home in the living room, excuse me FOR NOT WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT!
I am unreasonable I KNOW THAT.
Fucking shoot me then. Let’s all be done with it.
I’m sorry if I scare or shock anyone with my honest thoughts. I don’t mean to, but I do want to be open here.