.. just as sure as none at all
I am not unstable, I am ‘just’ intense sad.
Therapy went ok, but got triggered somewhere before lunch and since then I’ve been sad.
It’s weird, there I had a good weekend, and now that I’m feeling better and got the strength again to fight up against everything I realize how lonely I am.
In the cab home I send Sander a message on Facebook (private) and just let out my true feelings and thoughts because I was about to cry like a baby.
sometimes.. well all the time I am scared by the knowledge the only person around is my mother. Of course she loves me! But that comes like in the standardpackage (of course not for a LOT of other children/adults with childhood trauma.. I’m sorry if I trigger any of you by saying this), so yeah my mum loves me, because she has to. Nobody else seems to maintain being around me for a while. I KNOW I can be a handful, I really do, but I am a human too and I need to be loved. I remember so much times of me just laughing my ass off because I was having so much fun. How come other people remember me draining them?
Just to be clear, I am not mad at the people who left, as I said a while earlier, I understand how everything can get too much.
But what does the world expect from me? How can I get ‘better’ when I am not being loved and not experiencing things like that to make me hold on.
I don’t even want a friend I can talk to about everything. And just discuss how miserable my life is/was. No, I just want someone to do stuff with, listen to music and watch movies, just chit-chat and laugh, but it can be ok for me to break down sometimes, and I don’t need anything more than a hug or just a hand holding mine to make sure I know that person is there and not leaving. Like just give me a hug and put on another song and lets just go look at 9gag pictures. I’ll talk in therapy about what’s going on in my head.
I feel like begging someone to come and spend time with me. I feel really lonely and unloved.
I wish I was an einzelganger, then I wouldn’t have that much trouble with not having social contact.
Sometimes when I meet people they have strong thoughts about stuff. Like, I smoke. But I hardly know other people who do. I am totally OK with smoking outside and when someone is at my place and don’t like my smoking (like my sister), I’ll go outside as well. But then I sometimes see this people who are very strongly anti-smoking. I feel like apologizing for my smoking and like I can’t complain of not having friends, since I smoke.
I wish that there was just someone, who I could spend an evening with, watching a movie and just laughing or talking about the movie.
Feel like I’m nagging in my whole blog about this loneliness but I guess it’s a very big part and issue for me.
So what I wanted to say.. I need people around as bad as any other human being. I just don’t think it’s ‘fair’ for me to not really have that, since I’m a ‘difficult person’.
I also get SO annoyed by people saying ‘everyone has their difficulties’ well… DUH, but I can’t see anyone else sitting alone every damn day! So don’t tell me it’s just something everyone has. Because I am the one who never see’s anyone but my mum and therapy.
I am not here at this moment to aim for a life without difficulties. I know it’s not possible. But I just wish there was some contact. Leave the difficult stuff at therapy, but I can’t promise to never break down in tears, or just get sad without a clear reason.. cause really.. someone just sitting next to me and not running away, means the world.
It will drain the power that’s in you
Make you bleed and scream and crawl.
The pain will make you crazy
Youre the victim of your crime