I am doing my best! Aren’t I?

I’m sorry, this may be a little pitty-party. I’m a little upset, angry, confused, disappointed and hurt. But I do feel obligated to warn you about the high pitty-ness-content.

“After almost a year of treatment there is little progress with Brianna” – my evaluation from therapy

Hi..

Well thank you. I’m doing my best!!!! What is going wrong? If there’s something I’m doing wrong, why don’t they tell me? It can’t be the cptsd, because all the other women have that aswell. So why is there ‘little progress’…? The only positive thing they said is that I have become more open.. I seriously thought I was doing ok, but no.. I’m a freaking snail compared to everyone else -_-
Well isn’t that great πŸ™‚ and in May I have to get out and go somewhere else, and continue my snail road.

Sorry, but I’m getting pissed. Why don’t they Β just say that to my face? So that I can ask them what the hell is wrong then? But when I do that, I’m being too demanding and spoiled about myself. Because I want more individual attention.
Sigh -________________________________-
Feel like slapping myself in the face.

Yeah, I thought I was doing ok, also kinda slow, but hey, I’m getting the same attention as everyone else. So that can’t be too slow??

NEVER MIND.

Waiting for a call from Brandon. Been so scared last night and this morning. When it got light out, I did sleep a few hours and slept well. But who cares right? Ok.. I’m sorry, I’m just really pissed and disappointed in myself.
I don’t know why I’m talking to Brandon. He can’t say anything else but that I need to endure my sadness and fears. meanwhile distract myself with stuff.

Betty said that I have to stop telling them how bad I’m feeling because they get it. But,Β but…… ok……. so what’s next? I am focussing on the solutions right? Enduring and stuff, but it makes me so tired and so hopeless that it just goes on and on.

I’m just wondering, why am I doing so slow? And what is the difference between me and others then? What makes me so slow?

xoxo
Brianna

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7 thoughts on “I am doing my best! Aren’t I?

      • It made me confused as well.. but I guess she thinks I focuss too much on what’s going wrong and how bad I’m feeling and what’s going on inside. While i should be focussing on what to do, to make it better. But to make it better I want to tell them what’s going on.. because sometimes it’s voices, sometimes triggers, sometimes relationships.. it can be anything.. I’m doubting the therapy a bit to be honest 😦 normally you get 12 months there, but I have a book on complex trauma and it says its normal for clients to not open up from the beginning.. and now they’re like, she’s slow and just more open while i’m there 12 months next month. -_- lol I’m getting angry again πŸ˜›

  1. I have the same problem with my therapy at J’s, running out of time and being too complex to be completely recovered when the moment is there. She did tell me though that I’m working very hard, but my whole situation complicates things. Maybe it’s the same as with you…

    Anyways… I’m going to sleep, but I will come back to this! Just kick me when you think I’ve forgotten xD
    ❀ hugs!

  2. Sometimes therapists prefer to say that the client isn’t compliant with treatment rather than admitting that they don’t know what to do. Your therapist should be willing to hear whatever you bring to therapy – and to walk beside you to find solutions. Remember . . . . they work for YOU! If your needs aren’t being met, I think you are right to be doubting therapy. It sounds like you feel frustrated, confused and overwhelmed and when you bring those feelings to therapy, your therapist feels the same feelings. Trust yourself when it comes to your care. You know what you need. If treatment doesn’t feel right, you are right. Your therapy and your program should always provide the education and support for you to feel safe. If it isn’t, they should be willing to have the conversations necessary to explore and correct that. Stand up for yourself. They work for you! πŸ™‚

    • Thanks for your comment πŸ™‚ !
      My needs aren’t being met, that’s definetly right. But my needs are too high.. my needs are like the needs of a small child, while i’m an adult.
      I do hope they know what to do with me, because this is the best help I can get here in Holland.
      My therapist (Betty) does get frustrated because I keep asking for more help and keep clinging to them and she doesn’t seem to understand why that keeps on happening. Why I keep on falling down like that. I dont either πŸ˜› that’s why I ‘wish she could be more around to correct me when its needed.

      I will discuss this tomorrow with her again.
      I do think she is willing to have the conversations, but she thinks I focuss to much on whats going wrong, (on the other hand she doesn’t know half of what’s going on in me, so I want to explain that to her) while I should be focussing on how to correct it.

      Thanks for your comment πŸ™‚ I will stand up for myself.

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