Acting like a child

Hello,

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Again, kinda pity and negative. I’m trying to kick my own ass to turn it around. Might be a little triggering as well! 

Everything in me screams ‘NO! I don’t want to feel, go away. I hate you. Help me. I can’t do it alone. I CANT DO IT ALONE. I NEED YOU. Help me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel bad. I feel terrible. I want this to go away RIGHT NOW. You need to take this away RIGHT NOW. If not I will scream and cry till you will. You must. You need. You are obligated to. HELP ME. I wont let you go till you help me. I am gonna hold your leg till you help me. I can’t do it alone. Really not. Help me. Carry me. Hold my hand. Never let me go.’

Yeah…. I hate you too Brenda. I see the ridiculousness about this. It’s really stupid. I am an adult. Stop acting like that!! Shut the peep up and go away. Jesus. I am honest, I don’t want to feel as well. But she’s just makes it sooo difficult to stay positive and hold on and endure. Because she makes me whiny and hopeless. She is the weak part of me.

Yep, to be honest. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
Yes, I’m so hurt. But by what? I don’t even know? It’s this pain around my chest from the inside, but mentally you know.. with every breath I take I feel it. I feel crushed from the inside. Yeah.. my chest. Feel like crying.

I’m going to stop focussing on my body now, because I can’t handle that for too long. My mind will shut my body out and it can take forever for me to move again.

So I have to continue to go on in my head. Sorry, but this makes me so pissed as well. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this stuff? What is the ‘right’ thing to do? I can’t call the treatment because there is crisisteam/emergency-backup nurse and psychiatrist are available, but for crisis. But yeah, if I continue like this, I might end in a crisis. And you know it makes me SO tired. So tired to be this emotional the whole day. Not just emotional, but also my emotion swings from left to right. And then just have these intense down moments, and feel this pain and I don’t even know why. I only know everything in me naturally fights to get it out. To stop it. I have to let it be. It’s like I have a battle IN SIDE MY HEAD. Me versus Brenda. And she’s so annoying. Whine this. Whine that. SHUT UP. It’s not helping anyone to be so whiny.
but I have to endure….. so I can’t distract unless I’m at my limit. Where is my limit. Jesus, why can I only talk to miss Betty once every 2 weeks.I mean, am I supposed to freaking do the rest alone. Yeah, cause magically I’m supposed to know all this stuff. YEAH IM DEMANDING. If she doesn’t like it, she can slap me in the face. I’d love for her to do that. Come on, slap me. Hit me. Kick me. Pull my hear. Yell at me. Curse at me. Come on… I know you want to. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I want someone to hit me. Then it makes sense for me to feel like this I guess. But come on, hit me. Kick me. HURT ME.

 
I CANT COPE. The tension is ALL OVER my freaking body. In my arms, I feel the need to sway my arms and legs all around. Sitting still and calm does NOT feel good.

Driving myself insane like this.

I’m so sorry. And I am so ashamed of myself. That this is me. That I’m actually thinking this. That I’m actually writing this. I am ashamed of being me. I feel like a disappointment. Like a fail.
This is NOT meant as pity! I truly feel this. And to be honest… you must understand why, right? Seeing how I’ve been falling down and standing up the last 2 months? Understand that the constant falling down may be a part of the road, but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. On the contrary, it makes me hate myself. Feel disgusted by myself. Look down on myself. Why can’t I just act NORMAL?

Don’t even know how to end this post.

I’m sorry.
Brianna

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22 thoughts on “Acting like a child

  1. Read my first comment and take some time to let it sink in. Then: Have you ever thought about them acting this way so you realize what’s at stake? They want you to fight. They want you to realize how necessary it is for you to fight.

    Remember what Betty said a while ago, something about feeling you are on the same page?
    They want you to not get into a crisis, but fight like hell and no longer against yourself and them, but against your trauma. Prove them you can do it, prove me right in believing in you so much, prove yourself.
    This is the time you need to start believing in yourself. You can make it. I have so much faith in you!

    Tell Brenda, she can be sad, but she can’t take over. She wants to be taken care of, right? Well then she needs to let go enough to give you the chance to take care of her.
    This is what the therapists want you to see: you are the only One who can do this.

    • I’m sorry, I really dont understand. Nobody rejected me? How is Betty confirming this? By saying I’m not improving much?
      I am fighting, I am really fighting the trauma, the memories. But I cant take them away without Betty or that dot going left and right and putting them in the right place in my brains. So whats the point of reliving everything now? I really am fighting to go through this.

      Yes, it’s my fight. Please don’t feel responsible to comment okay? You have your own fight, and I know you need your own strength to fight that which you have been doing so well.

      Take care ❤

      • I’m so tired. I try to explain it better tomorrow.
        I don’t doubt you are fighting. I see it, everyday. You just need to stop fighting yourself as well, that’s what I mean 🙂

        You will overcome!

      • I thought you were in so much pain because you felt rejected and denied in your attempts of healing. Like they didn’t see all the work you are doing, how much it costs you…

        I thought this was triggering (because of the way you described how Brenda was acting), because you know the feeling of not being seen.
        That’s what I meant.

        I understand you feel frustrated, because you can’t heal without professional help, but I think you are finding the professionals way too important. They can provide you with tools, yes. But they can’t heal you. You have to heal yourself. They are the variable.

        How are you feeling today?
        You are really silent

        Take care, I’m on your side 🙂

        Loads of hugs ❤

      • Thanks for your comment sweety. I hope you are doing a little okay!

        Yeah.. when you say it like that, I understand what you mean. And I agree. I did/do feel rejected about that. I didn’t look at Brenda’s acting, in a response to a rejection.

        Maybe I am finding the professionals way too important. But I honestly feel like I can’t deal like that on my own. I took my (crisis) medication and was out most of the day. Did wake up at 2.30 pm but, probably got back to planet earth about 7 pm.
        I have to heal myself, I fully agree. I don’t understand why I cant just call them in that moment and for them to tell me what I have to do. ‘Endure’ how? When is it time to call it a night and take my extra medication? When is it too much, before it really is too much and I lose control? I dont know.. and when I make a mistake in the judgement of this (which I do a lot) I get crap from them, how I’ve handled it wrong. It makes me angry. :$

        Today i’ve been real mellow, but okay 🙂 kinda numb but it felt good for a change.

        You take care as well sweety!!
        There could be a movie made about you with the title ‘I dont know how she does it’ (there is a movie like that, and I like it, but I get the same feeling with you, hihi.)

        Big big hug sweety ❤
        Hope you'll have a good night and some extra rest!

  2. I’m sorry, Bri, I was a bit foggy yesterday. I thought: Should I give it another try to explain myself better or shall I try again tomorrow haha! I’m happy I waited 😛

    I think it’s good you took your crisismeds and went for a sleep.

    Yes you are finding them way too important and that’s because you still are used to giving control to other people. You need to learn to rely more on yourself.
    You don’t want them to tell you what to do. You want to know what to do (yourself). You will learn what to do through trial and error. Every person makes judgmental mistakes. Everybody. That’s what makes us human. And as long as we don’t harm others too much, that’s ok.

    You need to do what you think is right. You need to focus on what you are feeling and what your boundaries are feeling like. You need to try. And if they give you crap you need to take responsibility. “I choose this, for me, because I thought this was the right thing to do at the time. I am not sorry. If you think I did something wrong, then tell me what it is and I’ll think about what it means” You don’t have to say it like this, but you have to feel it. Claim responsibility for your choices, both the good and the bad ones. Claim control over your life.
    You can do it. You are doing well. I see that. You only need to stop being afraid to fall.

    I’m curious about the movie now haha!

    I’m not going to sleep yet. The Boyfriend is at friends. I’m enjoying my time alone xD
    Sweet dreams and good night sweety 🙂

    <3<3 Lots of hugs 🙂

    • He, you don’t need to apologize for that!!! Big hug 🙂

      I need to decide for myself what’s right. But then I get the message (from them) that I dont know what’s right because of the stupid trauma, and that it made me have these behaviour things that make my life such a mess right now. So they need to tell me what I’m doing wrong, for at least now.. so that I know from like 3 months from now ‘oh, I’ve been in that situation before, I have to do this’. I do want to give them control, because I don’t trust my own judgement. I trust theirs though.
      Lol, it’s not fair from them to give me crap if they’re not willing to tell me before it happened, what I should have done/what I should do 😛 ! I’m so childish right now 😦 but it is what I’m thinking.

      I once said to Betty she can’t talk to me like that because she never helped me when I was younger. I think her head may have exploded. She doesn’t have ‘the right’ to point her finger at my actions.. LOL i’m really insane :/
      On the other hand.. I’m glad she does (point her finger), because it was so selfish of me to say that. I didn’t even realize it. I don’t like selfish people, that must be because I’m one of them.
      But here I am saying it again, but just in a different context.

      When I do something (because it’s weekend or someting like that) and it turned out to be wrong. I dont feel Betty can give me crap about that. Because she wasn’t there. So yeah she can say ‘well, afterwards, it may have been the wrong thing to do. Why dont you try ….?’ But I feel she doesn’t even understand I did what I thought was best. And then give me crap (oh I really sound like a teenager -_-) about that they’re not seeing any progress. Like I’m pooping out knowledge, now that they’re treating me, on how to cope. I just dont feel that they are allowed to say that :$

      I just read back my comment, and I sound like a little, but VERY SPOILED and demanding, child.
      It’s not easy for Betty (Brandon doesn’t seem to get so hit by what I say, and always tells me its the trauma child talking.While Betty seems surprised from the stuff coming out of my (adult) mouth) to treat me, look how I’m acting. Yet I have to be honest, so i have to say this to her. (Which will make her head explode from annoyed-ness)

      I feel sorry for you for trying to tell me something which will just not get into my head.

      A part of me is looking at myself saying ‘are you serious? no wonder everyone walks away, look how retarded youre acting and thinking!!!’
      while the other part is ‘what? what’s wrong? its true…’

      Battle in my head.

      Don’t want to post this, cause I’m ashamed of it. But.. honesty is the key. So here it goes.

      It’s a funny movie! Comedy. With Sarah Jessica Parker 🙂 !

      Ahh thats nice! Enjoy your time!! 🙂

      Big big big hug <333

  3. Don’t be ashamed, sweety. I’m happy you posted this. You can’t be blamed for any of this. Your emotional development had a freeze because of your trauma. I told you this. What you are experiencing now is different parts of you being developed at a different pace. That’s what causes the confusion for you, I think. Also you are not used to feeling and thinking at the same time. To bring this together. That adds to the confusion.

    I understand everything you wrote here. My way of thinking was also corrupted by my trauma, but it gets better.

    You do need to decide what’s right. I know you don’t know what’s right always because of your trauma, but I do believe your body and mind are setting boundaries and sending out messages that are right (sometimes, and that’s a good start!). By telling yourself you don’t know what’s right and they do, you are giving yourself the wrong message. You shouldn’t want to give them control. You should just ask them for support, so that you can get up quickly after falling,

    They can’t prepare you for everything that’s going to happen and every challenge you’ll be facing, because life is so grotesq. Nobody knows what tomorrow bring. Yes we have expectations, but who knows what’s really going to happen.

    I don’t think it’s childish, but I do think it’s your childpart speaking here. You respond the way you used to; I imagine it like this: Crossing your arms over your chest, looking angry and wondering why nobody just takes over.
    You are focussing on the wrong fight though. It’s you who has to take over.

    They can tell you: “Well afterwards it may have been the wrong thing to do” and you can still be responsible for what you’ve done without having failed. A part of your healing process is claiming responsibility over your life. Also the actions that didn’t turn out well. This is about aknowledging what happened. You claim more responsibilty by asking for a good alternative.

    I think Betty is more sensitive for this behaviour because she’s a woman. They can’t distance themselves enough to not take things personally. That’s why Brandon can. He just tells you what’s happening.
    Ok well, it was selfish. People are selfish and everybody does selfish things. What matters is frequency and also the way in which you are selfish and then I don’t believe you are a selfish person. Big difference between acting and being.
    So, like I said. It was a bit selfish. Who cares. Nobody got hurt from this beyond recovery. Encounters like this are fixable.

    You need to understand this. Betty doesn’t have to understand you. She doesn’t have to feel your pain. She is a therapist. She can only provide you with tools. You are the one to understand you. She can offer you ways to recover, but you shouldn’t confuse that with ways to catch up on lost time and experiences. You really need to feel the difference between these two.
    The first thing has to do with reality and healing. The second with you not being able to accept the past (YET!). Just aknowledge this.

    Stop judging yourself and giving yourself labels. The first thing I learned at my stabilization group was to stop judging myself and my actions. It’s still hard, but I try this by just telling myself things are what they are, without giving any judgment to it. Also with my affirmations. Stop saying your spoiled and demanding. Tell yourself: I’m in need. And it is what it is.

    No need to say sorry about the not getting in your head. I understand that. J used to tell me that someone needs a thousand times saying things, knowing things, maybe more then a thousand… before he starts to feel it. Your emotional part is a slow student (so she says). This means that you have to keep telling yourself this. I will too 🙂

    Remember what I told you before. It is ok. You don’t have to feel it. You know it. And that’s enough (you wanted to print it ;-)) Read this again.

    I am enjoying my time. Ate delicious snacks, watched tv, talked with you 😉
    M. is sleeping. I’m happy with my ‘night off’

    Big big big hug to you 2! ❤

    • Just wanted you to know I read it and I’m not upset or anything! Just calling it a night (wat dit betreft tenminste 😛 ) before it triggers something (uncontrolable)

      I’m happy you’re enjoying your Justy-time! 😀
      Made me smile!! 🙂
      I wish you so much more me-time.. (toe (= nederlands, niet teen xD))
      My head is thinking too Dutch right now to type in English 😛

      Hugsie!

    • Take 2 😛

      I’m glad I did post it, I was a little afraid you’d be disgusted by my childish thoughts/behaviour.

      I do feel like my body gives more signals right now about when something is definetly wrong. So that judgement i can trust.
      I know I have to do it alone. But there’s just a part of me that would love to give the control to Betty/Brandon and just have them take care of me :$

      My mind knows the difference between those 2 things. But I dont think my feelings agree. So that could be a part where it goes wrong.

      But I do need to judge myself for being selfish and childish for me to change it right? I can’t accept me acting like that and blame it on the trauma. I need to take responsibility and judge myself. (Bad Brianna.. something like that)

      Yep, printing, definetly! Thanks for the reminder 🙂

      Hope you slept okay <333

  4. yeah I love those take 2’s 😛
    Don’t be afraid sweety 🙂

    Ofcourse a part of you wants to give control to them, because that feels easy and you like things to come easy, because you already had your share of hard things!I completely understand that. Unfortunately, it won’t work this way.

    Well. Like I told you before. As long as your mind knows it, it’s ok. Your mind needs to take time to convince your feelings (slow student, remember ;-))

    No. You never need to judge or label yourself. With these kind of judgement comes punishment. Even when it doesn’t lead to destructive behavior you give yourself these messages that are not good for your selfesteem.
    There’s a difference between judging yourself and between aknowledging and claiming behavior and/or actions.
    You need to rephrase these thoughts in ‘work-in-progress’ thoughts. That’s far more productive and better for you.
    Taking responsibility and judging yourself aren’t friends.
    Let me explain it to you like this: When you say you’re selfish you give yourself a bad message, which triggers things and petrifies parts in you that try to break free from your trauma. This brings you nothing productive, on the contrary.
    What you need to do here is tell yourself: I didn’t behave the way I should have (aknowledging you did this and also that you see afterwards, it wasn’t the best thing to do). Then the responsibility part: What can I do to make things better for the future?

    This way of thinking activiates growth and is good for your selfesteem. You give yourself the message you are capable of right behavior (although you made mistakes, which is fine, because everybody does that).

    It’s like the boundary thing. You are starting to feel your boundaries. When you feel them you ask yourself: What do I need now.
    It’s exactly the same way of thinking.
    You need to practise this.

    When you feel like labelling yourself and your behavior, write it all down and think about ways to rephrase it productively. I can help you with that if you find it hard to do so.

    Slept too short. M woke up really early and I hit my bad around 3. No good combi! 😛
    But I’m ok. How are you doing?

    <3<3<3

    • Hmm.. so my feelings have a low IQ and my mind a high one? That’s annoying 😛 ! No.. I get your point. I get irritated by things not going faster.
      I love your explanation, it makes it a little clear. Gonna save it in my cell 🙂 !

      Ah, I hope you’ll get some extra rest during the day then! 3 is really early!!
      Big hug ❤

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