I never meant to start a war

Hi,

What a day! Meu Deus.

So, monday, therapy day. It was really hectic because there were 2 people sick (from the team/staff) and so the whole therapy program needed to be rescheduled and people who had a talk scheduled today couldn’t, and some of them were in a really bad place so needed one. Anyway, I did ask for one myself, which I am very glad now.

It was with a very sweet psychiatric nurse, I don’t see her often individual (only when I need it & there’s no one else available) + I was lucky, I got a talk right after the therapy group thing ended, and some had to wait an hour and one girl even 2 😦 feel bad for her. Cause I could tell she really needed it and was struggling so bad.

I talked to her about the whole Randy thing. And I guess I misunderstood something. About my part in it and my fault in it. I did feel I had a part, but not a fault (which I felt was not true, because i did have a fault in it). However, she of course heard the whole Randy thing from beginning till the end (because i was in therapy there and the nurses/therapists/psychiatric talk together about us… how nice of them 😛 haha 😉 ) explained it again today. And she said it was very normal my reaction. I did not tell him too much about my problems, actually I told him enough and what i did tell him, she felt was needed to tell people i am so close with. (The general things, I’m in therapy because of ptsd > childhood trauma)

Anyway, she said its good I’m mad at him, and I shouldn’t be mad at myself. However, right now, I do need to move past it.. past the anger. Because it wont change a thing and it wont help me. I need to take care of myself. I have talked about what I was feeling (I wasn’t sure, I labelled it as angry/upset she said I was rejected and THAT made me angry/upset) which was rejection. And let’s be honest, a lot of people with ptsd deal with rejection in some form which can make the whole thing a little more painful. So I understand my emotion, I wont judge myself for it, I’m giving it the attention by talking about it with her but now I have to focus on what I can do to feel better.
So we discussed I am going to have some dinner with my mum (strict rules not to talk about any heavy stuff, just chit-chat) since she’s the only person here :’) and then take my crisis medication again and go to bed early. Tomorrow Polly will be here and she said I should call them if I feel I need to talk, about anything.

I feel confident about this solution. I know I’ll be able to handle it.
I have had serious trouble dealing with self harm in the past day’s and today and I just felt like giving it up. But i guess it’s these kind of moments where i have to keep on fighting and NOT harm myself. (I don’t even see it as self harm though, I see it as a way to release tension FOR MYSELF. So like I’m helping myself. Which makes the whole thing a little bit hard)

I had some hard moments during the talk, and of course I cried. But Peter was also telling me stuff and responding about stuff. The nurse sugested some things like dance-lessons just to do something and be with people. Me and Brenda were all ‘ÝAY DANCING!! I LOVE DANCING!’ and Peter went like ‘Have you ever seen a whale dance?’ Brenda got scared, but I just got this depressed thinking like ‘yeah youre right, I’m too fat to dance’

I AM gonna focus on getting more social contacts. But I do want to talk to Brandon or Betty about the difference between a friend and a rescuer. Uhm.. i do feel that’s a difference, but when someone would ask me what the difference is, I don’t know. Where is the line? When is someone a friend and when a rescuer. Isn’t a rescuer a friend as well? Anyway, complicated much! But Justeramaajarvi (Sweety, we need to come up with a nickname, this is so difficult to type xD ) made me realize there’s a difference between that and that I might not have seen it before which might have led to some things.

Uhm.. something else that’s been in my mind. When people meet me, they say I’m so nice, sweet, warm, cute and soft. And that they feel they need to protect me. Abraham told me this too by the way. And when they protect me, I guess I can get a little selfish in my needs and demand them. Which makes the whole thing not equal anymore. I don’t really know what it is, what makes me look so cute/fragile (people think of me like this before I tell them about ptsd by the way) because I guess that can be a point where the whole thing starts.

Anyway!
The taxi I went home in was a sort of bus. hahaha, so funny! I was getting in and there were all of these granny’s in there xD Sometimes the ones who ride with me are very cranky but these were so sweet and kind! 😀 Asking if I was doing okay and if I wanted to sing a song/tell a funny joke xD They really treated me like a small child (which I kind of liked #confession). This lady also was very supportive saying things like ‘very good of you dear’ SO SWEET. I felt like she was my grandma, sometimes granny’s act like you’re their grandchild, which I think is SO sweet 🙂

Oh man this is gonna be along one by the way, just want to put everything I have in my head down.

I have been thinking about my language ability’s (or maybe the fact that there aren’t much ability’s xD, no seriously). I read online that you can’t teach your child a language which isn’t your own native language (to teach it as their native language). Well my mum and dad both don’t have English and/or Dutch as their native language. Yet I had a bilingual upbringing. Dutch/English. So I think this might be the reason why my Dutch AND English is so crappy 😛 I can’t talk fully Dutch without a dictionary (translating words in English to Dutch for me) and the same goes for English. My high school was bilingual as well. Which made it hard for me to get some subjects in Dutch later on, because I had to translate everything first.
On top of that, I have dyslexia. Which means I can talk a mix of Dutch and English, but I can’t write it, because I make tons of spelling mistakes. They noticed my dyslexia in high school, which was weird, because they normally notice it when you’re young. The Dutch teacher I had then, said they might not have noticed it because I was doing ok in other subjects, but just Dutch (and particularly spelling) was something I always had insufficient for.
I have no trouble with reading though, but spelling… damn :/

So uhm.. yeah I guess this was everything, well just most of the stuff in my head.
By the way, I really enjoyed writing about my cats 🙂 ! I might do that more often 😀

Have a nice day folks!

xoxo
Brianna

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