Trust like you’ve never been hurt?

Hi!

I’m really on a roll today, just thinking… and trying to understand things.

I got a comment from a fellow blogger on WordPress which made me think (in a good way!). Betty once said to me because of the whole Abraham thing, that I am pointing my finger at him for leaving and stuff, but that I should look at my own part in it. I do hate that I don’t. But I really have trouble seeing it.
Sometimes it’s obvious. An ex of mine, yeah, I have been terrible. I know that. I am painfully aware of my own part in destroying what we had.

 

With Abraham, yeah I did blame him. I don’t anymore, but I do stand by what I said. I warned him numerous times to not ask me whats wrong because he can’t handle what I’d tell him. I told hem I’d be fine, but that he should just leave it. He didn’t, he pulled it out of me. Yeah, of course I had a choice to not tell him. But I guess he wouldn’t ย understand and maybe even got mad a little and just walk away. Now I told him, he helped me, which was too much for him and he walked away. Uhhh… where is this my fault? i’m sorry and I feel really stupid, but I ย really don’t see what I did wrong here. Yeah, I leaned on him like crazy, and that I shouldn’t have. I could’ve told him whats wrong. But just go to Betty the day after. I didn’t. He felt save(er) and more available, more involved and stuff. Ok… I do see the point here ๐Ÿ˜› But I’m really not mad at him. But I used to be.

Uhm.. there was this (sort of) ex of mine.. hmmm… lets call him Bobby. I dated him when I was 16. I had hardly any experience with guys ‘my age’, he was 5 years older though I think. So when I saw him for the first time some sexual stuff happened. I was under the impression that meant we had a relationship. Which apparently we didn’t. He came over to my place when he wanted sex and he left right after that. Sure, red flags all over the place. We would have sex and I was just crying while he was doing his business and afterwards he’d be like ‘whats wrong?’. I could tell him numerous times I don’t feel ok having sex right now, I couldn’t explain him why and what was wrong with it, but I just wasn’t ok with it. He understood. Next time he came over, it happened again. I didn’t say no (my fault!!!!!!!! My part). I do feel a little double about this because of the age difference he ‘should have known’ that it wasn’t ok for him to try again. But then again, I didn’t say no and maybe the 1 time I did, he playfully got further and I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to. I’ve had contact with him on and off for years. He’d dump me when he found another girl and then contact me when she didn’t like him anymore. Stupid me, was happy enough with the ‘love’ I was getting so i let him back in. But the same stuff happened over and over again.
*fast forward to 2013*
I did have contact with him this year, uhm, I was a lot stronger than back then. I stated very clearly I only wanted to be friends and not friends-with-benefits. Whenever he made a pass at me, I would just put him back in his ‘place’. I know he’s been like this with his ex girlfriend as well. The girl he was dating before we got contact again in 2013. Whenever I was feeling upset and stuff, I could come to him, but he’d never know what to say and just make an inappropriate comment about sexual stuff he wants to do with me. It never felt ok, but I know he has a problem with is libido, its insanely high, he can’t help it. It did come to a point where he kinda put me in a corner and I just said ‘ok’ to him about something he wanted to do. When I told him later (we hadn’t done it yet) I didn’t feel ok about it, and I might get a lot of flashbacks and relive things, he’d be like ‘well you promised’. He could really get very angry with me for not wanting to anymore. Sometimes he would have this moment of clarity and tell me he loves me, and is sorry for his sexual behaviour and he knows he makes me do stuff that I actually don’t want to (he said this himself! I didn’t tell him!!). But the next day he could be like his old self again.

Ok. I can see where I made have made some mistakes. But how can it be wrong to give someone another chance? I know he has problems with his libido and that makes him act like that. Yeah, even in 2013 he hurt me A LOT. But he has an issue with his libido….. so I have to forgive him for that and give him another chance. He broke contact with me like a week ago. Honestly I think he’s back with his old girlfriend (he treated her really bad, and I told him that I didn’t think it was ok for him to do that, and he said he understuud), but it’s just a matter of time before I get an email from him again, asking how I’m doing and stuff (I bet I’ll have that email a year from now). Who am I, to not give him another chance? When he say’s he’s changed?

Sure. When this would happen to someone else, I’d be like ‘Uhh sweety you gotta wake up, he’s using you’ (that would be with someone else and I wouldn’t be involved in it). But I’m just not with ย myself. And isn’t it true you should give people a chance to change? shouldn’t I help him change? To stop being so hurtful to girls (I KNOW he has hurt a lot of them, he told me in his moments of clarity). And yeah, he tells me nice things. He knows me, he knows my drama queen modus, and he accepts it. Why shouldn’t I accept his ‘drama-queen-modus’? In my modus I don’t hurt him personally, that’s true. But… yeah.. you know. I just don’t know. I feel like I should give people the chance to do things differently the next time. Because I don’t think Bobby is a bad guy. He just acts really stupid sometimes.
Yeah, my tears over the years could fill a whole swimming pool. But does that mean that I should avoid contact with him when he contacts me again and it seems like he’s changed?

I am sure that I never want a relationship with him, I’ll never trust him to that position. However I do feel for him and want to be his friend. And I feel like (sometimes?) he cares for me to. But his libido just gets in the way.

How is it wrong to believe in the good? In the better? To trust like you’ve never been hurt?

When someone rejects me because of my cptsd without even knowing me. I’d be hurt. How can someone blame me for something someone else (with cptsd) had done to them? Dont I deserve a fair chance?

There are tons of red flags around the people I meet. And my standard have gone up VERY high. I don’t tolerate the standard things you see. People asking for pictures of your full body, or cup size stuff, how many sex partners I had. When someone says that to me right now, I’m like ‘Bye!’, not in a harsh way. But because I believe that’s a sign someone is looking for something else than me. And I know if I get involved in it, I wont be able to get out easily or without being hurt. I’m saying bye as soon as I can, because the longer I know the person, the harder it’ll be to say that bye and to set a boundary.

So I’m not naive…. but I do feel people deserve second chances and yeah Bobby had about 7 of them. But again, who am I to reject him on what his problem is, when he wont reject me for mine?

Do I trust like I’ve never been hurt? Yeah! But I don’t ignore the obvious signs I described above.
I want to believe, I need to believe, people only want good for everyone. Everyone deserves a fair chance.. don’t they? When is the chance not fair anymore? People can change.. I know I want to. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would give me another chance if I screwed something up.

What am I doing wrong?

Well sure, the leaning part I did on Abraham is definitely wrong.
But other than that, in the past year, I haven’t ignored the obvious signs like I did when I was younger and yet I keep getting hurt xD

You know that moment when everyone around you gets a joke and you dont and it makes you feel stupid? I feel like that right now. I feel the stupidest person on WordPress.. everyone see’s what I’m doing wrong, I just dont, haha. *shaking my head @ myself*
I should discuss it with Betty or Brandon. Put it on the list (which already contains 100 things) I need to discuss.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. What came to my mind! Somewhere this year, between Abraham walking away and me meeting up with Randy I got a message from a guy, everything seemed perfect but it just didn’t feel right. I really didn’t know why, but he wanted my number. I never responded…. I just couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. But back then, and right now, I didn’t/don’t know what it was. I guess I’ll never know.

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11 thoughts on “Trust like you’ve never been hurt?

  1. Second chances: yes, people sometimes deserve them. It is not up to you to fix them, this is important. You give him excuses even while writing: he has a problem with his libido, well…I don’t think I have met a guy yet who doesn’t have a problem with their libido. Yeah, sometimes a guys is higher than another, but it is not up to me to control it, show them how to treat someone. It is up to me to protect me! Bottom line: I am the most important person here. This is not selfish, or wrong, it is protection. When you were first hurt, you were the last person who deserved respect as far as the abuser was concerned. He/She was not concerned with what you were feeling, what damage this was going to have on you, and how you would deal with this as a child. First and foremost, you are the most important person: not Bobby, Randy, Abraham, etc. You are not here to fix them, make them ready for a relationship with another, or show them how they hurt you. You were hurt, perhaps part of that is your fault (you and only you know this), but you were hurt by their actions. They are adults, and sometimes older than you, so they should know what their actions are doing to others. If they don’t, they don’t care and are not paying attention.
    You are in intensive therapy, and this means you need to fix you. People have, well…there is no nice way to put it, they have fucked you up, and now you have to fix what they threw away and left behind.
    When I was going through my most intense therapy, and other times when I have had triggers (especially around x-mas) I stayed away from relationships. I was serious about fixing me, and wanted to do my homework and be able to wrap my head around all that was happening. Having a relationship, again, would have been taking away from what I needed to do then. It would have been an investment, just like now, that I didn’t have the extra emotion for.
    I will stop now. Yeah, from your last answer, we are drastically different in age. I feel the basics are the same though. Fix you; respect you; listen to your gut.
    I hope you feel better for the rest of the weekend. Sorry if we got too deep or I got to preachy.
    Peace

    • Thanks for you comment.
      The part about when I was hurt first..yeah.. got nothing to say to that. You’re right. And it hurts, haha. Uhm, for now i’m going to leave it at that, just to make sure I have a goodnights sleep.

      I’m definetly not the person to show Randy/Bobby/Abraham what they did, but if I would hurt someone, I’d want to know because I really dont want to do that. So I’m guessing, someone else will as well. Maybe they dont care, but they should. They cant just hurt people like that. But its not my battle to fight. I’m here for myself. I think thats what you meant and that its finally getting through to me. (Now a part of me feels like I’m ignoring what they’re doing to others. When someone hurts an animal, I’ll tell them to back off, because it’s not ok to do that. I’ts notmy fight, but I do feel responsible for witnissing it. I’d feel someone else is responsible as well if they knew about it and didn’t help me.
      I guess maybe it’s finding the balance between completely closing your eyes for stuff like that and …. the other end. I can’t think of it right now. My head is not cooperating with me right now.

      I agree about the basics ๐Ÿ™‚
      You weren’t too preachy, I appreciate the feedback. For now I am going to bed (it’s 1.30 am here). Maybe I crossed my own boundary in thinking about this too much but, I know it’s my boundary and I didn’t feel when I was corssing it, only now when I have corssed it. So please don’t feel bad about it!! A good sleep can work magically ๐Ÿ˜‰ !
      Have a good weekend as well!

      Take care

  2. I strongly agree with justeramaajani and Rene. Let me say clearly, if you were 16 and he was 20, ALL the responsibility is HIS. It really is that simple. Where I live, he could be put in prison, no matter how many times you said yes.
    At the risk of pissing you off – let me also state clearly: Bobby is a predator. When Ariel Castro (Cleveland) was in front of the judge, he said that his crimes were not his fault because he had a high sex drive and no one taught him to control it. (or something to that effect)
    It sounds to me like you are not getting much emotional reward from that relationship. So if you don’t enjoy the sex….?
    I do understand about wanting to give 2nd chances because we may need those ourselves. One of my frustrations over the years has been the fact that my brain erases trauma memories almost immediately. That makes it hard (impossible) for me to avoid my abusers, I couldn’t remember who they are.
    Please forgive me if I am blunt. It is my way of caring. Also, I am sorry if I got your age wrong in previous comment. (I guess I got old at some point. When did that happen?)
    Thank you for asking me when the shadow people stopped. I had to think long and hard about the answer. Surprising, no? In fact it tapered off during the process of recovering trauma memories and processing them. It still happens occasionally when I am very stressed. (2 times a year now, tops.) So I think you are well on your way of getting rid of them. YEA! You ROCK!
    Again, I hope you can see my bluntness as concern and love. I guess I got cynical the same time I got old. But I have always felt protective of my sisters and brothers, whether they are older or younger than myself.
    ROCK ON!

    • Im going to try to respond, sorry if its a bit wird had my medication to calm me down yesterday but its a strong one who keeps me kinda stoned for 24 hours.
      Forst of all; i really appreciate your
      concern and dont see it as blintness. Thank you for that ๐Ÿ™‚

      I am a little confused because how can people be so mean? I know people can be mean in the past but i do want to beloeve those people are in the past. Not in my present.
      How could all responsibiloty bbe his? I was 16. I cant blame him for that. Its atleast 50/50, i have a big part in it because i was 16 if i was 15 the law states otherwise here in Holland.

      When is a secod chance normal and when not?

      Glad you have minimized the shadow people. Good of you ๐Ÿ™‚ !!

      I dont know what to say..
      But I really want to say that I appreciate your comment and that you are speaking your mind. As Rene and Juster!
      Thanks for that!
      Hihi rock on ๐Ÿ™‚ !

  3. Listen to Katherinedoe, Bri!
    I totally agree with her.
    Bobby IS a predator. I haven’t had the possibility to state this to you, because I didn’t feel well enough, but he is, Bri! Katherinedoe is very right about that!
    It is mean, people are mean! Although not the kind of mean you want them to be. You want them to be predictable mean: Just all mean, no nice traits, if possible with dark black eyes and an evil way of laughing. Do you get me here? You are thinking like the child here. Predators do seem nice a lot of the time. They use it to get what they want, to manipulate their victims just enough to continue with what they’re doing.

    When I ask J. why I am the one that’s being targetted by those boundary-crossing people, like I have this neon sign that says: ‘Pick me, I’m easy’, she tells me this: “There are a lot of bad people out there, preying, waiting for people like you. They are experienced in picking persons who have been hurt before, who lack selfesteem, who doubt their feelings, their boundaries, yes even their own existence. Those people recognize you, because you look like the result of what people look when they’re finished with them.”
    Bri, this hurts me like hell, but I know it’s true. People like Bobby recognize people like you. You are the only one that can protect yourself from people like him. Don’t confuse him being nice to you sometimes with him being a nice person. No good person would continue without consent.
    It’s just so sad… You need people being nice to you so much that you are willing to accept what they ask you in return. Stop doing this. You can only heal yourself if you’re being nice to you.

    Also stop proving to yourself that you have a part in this, because I think that’s what you’re doing also. When you keep confirming you have a part in this (“I could walk away, I could ignore Bobby’s call, but I choose not to”), you don’t have to accept the reality. I think you are giving people like Bobby all these chances, because you are projecting. Two things actually. The first thing is your need for a second chance (on a better life) the second is that a part of you would love to give your dad this second chance and find some way to make it all right so that it stops hurting so damn much…

    I’m so sorry for telling you these things, Bri, but I care a lot about you. You need to stop repeating this cycle. It is what it is. It hurts like hell, yes. But you can’t change that. You have to learn how to life with it, how to heal yourself. You have to accept what happened as this part of you. Stop fighting against it. Fight for yourself. You are the only one that can make you truly happy.

    I send you all my love, sweet Bri. You are not in this alone. I’m here and I’m standing next to you and if I can make this easier on you, I will.

    Lots of hugs

    • Pfoe, uhm… where do I start?
      First; thanks sweety! I feel your love and concern in the words, dont worry ๐Ÿ™‚

      This line hit me hard
      “You need people being nice to you so much that you are willing to accept what they ask you in return”

      Because I once had a talk with Betty and she asked me why I wasn’t willing to say no (to someone of the group who wanted my phone number) and I said ‘I dont have any people around me, I have to be thankful for whoever wants to spend time with me, and lower my standards’
      She actually said the same thing you did.

      I feel this comment is ‘too much/confronting’ right now, I do want to say thank you! I’m going to put it in a wordpad on my laptop and really let it sink in to me when I’m feeling better.
      I dont want to deny what youre saying, but because I am a bit unstable right now, I dont want to trigger something huge. Right now I’m staying low, keeping contact with my mum and therapy. Not any annoying guy stuff. But you DO make a very good point here, I wont deny that and I’ll keep it on my list for when I’m feeling a bit more stable

      Lots of hugs and love back! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I read it yesterday, thanks for making me aware of the blog post, it is really confronting as well, but very informative. In the differences between with examples with it, which makes it a little more clear to me.
      Thanks sweety!

  4. Sweety!
    I think you handle this very well! Sorry for being too confronting, but it feels like this is the best for you to hear about this. Well, maybe not now, but it most certainly is on this topic.

    I will answer and read you tomorrow, because I’m still not finished with writing down what had happened yesterday and it’s getting late.

    Just wanted to check on you, because I want to connect with you ๐Ÿ™‚
    Sending you all my love and tons of hugs!

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