I don’t really have something that happened or a topic I want to write about. Just about me, and what I’m doing now and stuff.
Well I guess its been kind of obvious I’ve been really realizing my loneliness. It’s weird, because it’s not that different from a week ago. I guess I’m just looking in the mirror, at my behaviour. I just can’t stop but think about friends.. who aren’t friends anymore.
I do feel like social contact is a sort of food for me,without it, I feel kind of empty. I am SO blessed and thankful for the internet contacts here on WordPress for instance, and the phone contact I can have with my sisters and best friend, I really am. Without that I’d be lost. But I guess it’s a part of being a human, that you always long for more. I’d love some face to face contact. I don’t even mind if it’s just drinking somewhere. Or looking for a book in a bookstore with someone. I really feel like I need that face to face interaction, a reason to get dressed. A reason to do my hair.
I feel empty. So empty. Been crying a lot yesterday evening and today. But not in a bad way, I am crying, but I do feel I’m stable. I texted my sisters asking if she wants to facetime today. So maybe we’ll talk for an hour on facetime. I’m going to text my best friend, to see how she’s doing today.
I’m going to look at a project they have in Holland were you get a sort of buddy (they are volunteers) who can do something with you. Thanks for the tip justeramaajarvi!
But I do feel like a total failure. That I am so socially awkward and not able to make friends in a normal way. But my home counselor (Polly) said she would think of a way I can meet people without going to a sports club/school. I’ll see Polly again Tuesday, so I hope she’ll have some ideas by then.
I’ve been all over the internet, believe me. Dating site’s, friendship site’s. But I’m sorry, there’s just a lot of trash over there. And yeah, I am picky. I just don’t want someone who wants me for sex. And most of them want that. Even though its a freaking friendship site, you get in contact, then they start talking about a (love) relationship, and when you say you’re not interested in that (because the person is just not my type, I’m really not thát picky!!! It’s just that i do feel I have to set some boundaries, like age and the way they look at things. A lot of people are like ; oh you’re feeling good? Then you can go to school again, and stop your therapy. They just don’t understand. Yeah, right now I’m feeling good. But within an hour I could be in the hospital because of self harm! Ok.. breathe Brianna…..) *when you tell them you don’t want a love relationship with them* they just walk away. I’m only good enough for a relationship with a lot of sex of course. But when I don’t want to kiss and stuff they just walk away. Not good enough as just a friend.
Do I need to lower my demands? Because if someone here thinks so, please tell me. I don’t feel like I should, but yeah, I’m still alone xD so maybe that’s the whole point.
I really don’t want to act all victim-y but how the hell do I meet people. And you know, when I do meet them, how the hell do I keep acting normal? It may seem arrogant, but it seems like I have a quality that attracts other people who are a bit lonely as well, so we are both willing to spend very much time together (which makes the friendship very intense), but whenever you spend much time with me (and by much I do mean see me for 5 times a week, sometimes with sleep over) you do get to see my mood swing, and maybe even me crying because of stupid shit. Yeah, I’ll freaking scare everyone off. But should I just tell them ‘no, I can’t right now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow’ and then sit alone and eat out of my nose again? Because we both know (me and that other person) I have nothing better to do. And when I am honest about not feeling that good, (I guess) a normal person would want to help. And that’s where they get involved and step into my emotion rollercoaster. Till they get nauseous and step out of the rollercoaster and run out of my theme park. (Lol, not the fun kind though)
I see a pattern. But I don’t see a way out of the pattern.
So this is bothering me. The lonesomeness and the if-I-find-contact-what-should-I-do?
Basically, like I wrote about a few posts back. The ptsd is complex, it makes me complex. It makes it hard for other to stay around me. It makes me lonely.