It’s not right but it’s ok?

Hello,

Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.

Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.

Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go?Β https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)

Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.

I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.

I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.

But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.

And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.

Ok, I Β really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.

—-

 

Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though πŸ˜‰ ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry πŸ˜‰ )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.

I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes πŸ˜‰
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)

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7 thoughts on “It’s not right but it’s ok?

  1. The part of us that understands the pain we cause others, whether imagined or real, is the PTSD. We are more aware of feelings, emotions, and we are also much like a raw wound: even the air blowing over us sometimes hurts. It is alright to feel the way you do: hey, even after years of therapy, and feeling like I am pretty together, it takes a really good self-talk to be able to just walk away from those who hurt me. I just had to let go of a person who has been a friend for over 20 years. But, we had just come to that point where I felt like more of her monthly good deed, wherein she had pity on me, rather than a real friend like we used to be. It has taken a lot of self-talk and chatting some with mum to be able to hold my own in this, and realize what I am doing is right for me.
    We also get sucked into many relationships because we are needing touch, love, and caring from others. It has taken me along time to realize I am cool on my own, and I don’t need someone so bad that I am going to risk losing my peace I have fought so hard for. My mum has been divorced 5 times, and I really didn’t want to go down that path. She and my sister are very needy, and cling to partners. Then they get vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful when the relationship ends. Maybe the other is really at fault, but if there is anything I have learned in all my years (50) and all the divorces I have done (paralegal) is that there is blame enough for both. So, instead of concentrating on his carelessness, coldness, and him being just a general prick, think of what led you into that relationship. Were there any red flags? I bet there were, as we are good at seeing red flags, but also good at walking right around them. We justify their behavior, and often blame ourselves for how things ended. I can see you are not doing that, but do look at the beginnings of the relationship. I bet you will see a pattern in your own behavior or in the guys you pick. Then you can concentrate in changing your patterns, and worry less about them. If they hurt you, I can guarantee they are going to hurt others. It is not up to you to notify them of how much of a jerk they are; it is up to you to take care of you. Would calling him out really help you? I have found in my own life it really doesn’t. Confrontation really begets anger and that is a very dangerous emotion to be tossing around. Anger festers, causes illness, and is not a productive emotion. Worry about you: he is on his own; he is an adult; and women in the future will have to watch out for him all by themselves. He is out of your life, not your problem. Take care of you.
    I hope this helped some. It is all from my own growing and going through PTSD. Now that I am 50 and waiting for disability (not going to work or able to go out to the movies even), I have just decide not to get entangled in any relationships. I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia, and so stress just causes flares, which are just not a happy thing. So, no men is way less stressful than trying to add their drama (and men have so much drama they don’t even admit to) to my mix of a life right now.
    Peace

    • Thanks for your time and effort you put into the comment! I really appreciate that πŸ™‚ !
      I do agree there are always 2 people to blame. When I look at myself, there could have been some red flags. But I really try to trust oter people and don’t be mistrustful and blame him for my past experiences but give him a chance, trust like I’ve never been hurt, of course the obvious things I dont tolerate anymore (like talking to someone for the first time and then they ask about my cup size for instance), i never saw any of those flags.
      Yes he was (always been) very closed about his feelings. On our second date he shook my hand….. was that a flag? He was always respectful and a gentlemen about things. Though he never really showed any interest in me, he was actually 99% of the time talking about himself and his achievements. But on the other hand when he asked me if I wanted to meet up later that day and I had been in therapy, he’d ask me if I felt good enough for it. But when I told him not, he’d be ‘ok. talk to you later then’.
      He told me he hadn’t been in a relationship for 4 years, is that a redflag? Sure, looking back now, it could’ve. But there could be tons of reasons for not having a relationship.
      I do feel its unfair for me to be ‘punished’ for trusting someone. Maybe I gave him too much power over me.Not that he took it, but I just gave it, you know?
      I just really want to believe in the good in people, not saying he is not good though! But just trusting that when someone sleeps with me knowing my history, they are serious. And then not just dump me with 2 stupid excuses and 1 reason that was true, but he could have said that to me before we slept.

      You know my therapist (betty) had told me earlier that I keep pointing my finger towards other people about what went wrong. But in all fairness, when I look at this situation, I dont see what I did wrong more than I just explained. If someone does, please point it out to me, I dont want to be someone who cant look at their own mistakes.

      I’m glad you found your way into this. I’m sorry for asking, and if its too personal, you dont have to answer! But dont you feel lonely sometimes? Wishing someone was there? Knowing you can do it on your own and dont need that person, but just feeling it would be nice to spend and evening together on the couch watching TV or someting like that. Just chatting and laughing about stuff.

      Again, thanks for your comment!
      Take care!

      • Most of the time, the red flags are more of a gut level feeling. It has been proven that man, even in the beginning, demonstrates that he has two brains: one in the head and one in the gut. Thus the saying, gut instinct. There has been discussion of cave men and early man actually using this gut feeling more about daily life. We have this same ability: we get feelings in our gut that something is not safe; that someone is lying to us; not to drive a certain way to work; etc. We may call it intuition, or whatever, but it amounts to the same thing. Women do not have it more than men, we are just more in touch with our inner self, thus we appear more emotional, and have what is deemed ‘women’s instinct’. This is what I am referring to more than an actual event or behavior of either of you. Really, you are the only one who is going to be able to answer this question as well; no one else was there when he said and did things which made you trust him.
        I must ask, and it is rhetorical, was there a certain high level of trust already built up with him in order for him to know your past? I am very tight with my past: I can think of only one b/f I told about some of it. I never trusted either of my husbands with the information. It is not something I walk around and say, “I am a survivor,” not a victim. In my head I know this, but the trust level it takes for me to share this stuff is way too deep. I would have to have been with the person, as a friend, for a long time, building trust by interacting with them on a less intimate level before I ever felt they were safe enough to trust.
        As to your other question, and there is nothing too personal I won’t answer. If I don’t feel comfortable telling, I will just tell you. Ask, never hurts to ask.
        No, right now I do not get those feelings right now. I know the price which must be paid, not hurt but level of investment to the relationship, and I don’t have that extra right now. I am hurting much of the time from the flares of either or both diseases, and my knees need surgery really really bad, so there is additional pain in my knees, hips, and back. With all that, and then not having my independence like I have most of my adult life, is a big game changer for me. I did try and date a couple of guys when I first started this new part of my life, but I just wasn’t into the games, and didn’t have the patience to try and learn about them. Plus, there is much of the time when I really don’t want to be touched, due to pain of fibro flares, and I can’t walk very far, so dating would be in a frickin’ wheelchair. That might be okay at sometime in the future, but right now it is a slam on my personal pride and what little independence I have left.
        Right now is a time for me to be with me. I like me, I like my company, and I have friends I can talk to and share ideas. Romance is an investment I can’t make right now. I am not ruling it out for my future, but I am just not interested in it when I don’t feel good or feel whole. Since I have been in a few relationships or dates where things got out of hand, near assault or stalker crap, I had the physical ability at those times to protect myself and get out of the situation. Right now, I would be dependent on them to pick me up for a date, be in a fucking wheelchair, and then have no income for even cab fare if I needed it. Also living with my mum really cramps my style. None of my ex’s know where my mum lives, so there is no stalking and that really has been an issue for me. I just have enough emotional strength for an investment of any type. I think though, most importantly, in all my therapy and reshaping my life to be a success and not dependent upon anyone for my happiness, I have found I am pretty cool to be with. Like I said, I like me. I am not a narcissist, I know I have faults, oh hell yeah!, I also know that if I was to get into a relationship now, I wouldn’t want it to be a booty call type. Sure I would like human contact, a man to be there for me when I feel real bad or hurt, but the time for the development of that relationship was before I got this bad. In my current circumstance, being with my little crew of three (two cats and a dog) is all I can really handle. I don’t have kids, so I am basically able to take the time to just lay in bed when I hurt, watch a movie when I am sad, write when I am depressed or lonely, or just meditate and find peace and guidance without trying to fit a relationship into it. For me, doing the grocery shopping once a month is really painful: I can’t imagine what a date would feel like. Last time I went out to eat at a restaurant, I was so exhausted and needed pain pills as soon as I hit the house. This kind of life is not conducive to building a relationship with anyone but the grocer! I chat and laugh with my friends, and more personally, had enough physical encounters to last a lifetime. I don’t mean I was a slut, not by a long shot, but for me, I have had enough to where I am not missing it much right now.
        I have been on my own since high school, so I have always been fiercely independent, and part of that is due to non-trust issues from my childhood. I accept that, but I am not about to let in every guy who comes into my life, tell them about my past, just so I can hope they believe me and want to stay with me.
        I could go on, but I feel like I am talking in circles now. If you want me to say more, just ask. I am just not sure how much you want to know. Also, I am not sure what is helping. I do know that in treating women who have been in domestic abuse relationships, one of the first things they are counseled on when the get their bearings, is finding out who they are, finding self love, self respect, and just being with themselves. I have a Ph.D., and much of all my education has focused on addiction behavior, counseling victims of abuse (childhood and adult), and criminal activities. So, based upon my own therapy and what I have learned in my academics, I feel I have made the right decision for me. It is the right decision FOR ME. It may not be the same for you, or the other people in your group.
        Let me know if you want to chat more. I am here.
        Peace

      • Again, thanks for your comment!
        First off, yeah.. uhm.. there might have been some feeling in my gut that made me doubt his intentions, though there wasn’t a strong feeling of ‘NO’.. And there were this gentlemen things he did, that nobody has ever done with me which made the doubt feeling wrong (in my head).

        About my past. I told my last ex about it after being in a relationship with him for 6 months. He told me if I had told him sooner, things would’ve gone differently.

        I do tell people I’m in therapy (its the only thing I do, I dont have school/work) and that I have ptsd. Most people ask me ‘because of a trauma?’ I’ll tell them yes. And then its done, whenever I get to know the person better maybe I’ll tell them what kind of trauma. However with Randy he knew it was childhood trauma. Mostly I dont say any more than that. But I feel I need to say that… so they’ll respect when I say that I dont want to do some things… you see :$ ? Its confusing, because writing it down right now, makes me think I’m insane for thinking like that. In my experience I do need to say that to people, to give words to my ‘somewhat’ weird behaviour (not me lashing out at them, but maybe having a nightmare, the scars on my arm,(Jeez, I sound like a slut πŸ˜› but ok;) when there’s some touching and I remove their hands from a place or something like that). It’s not in a way to keep them with me. But I guess to ask them to respect my boundaries when I state them, because it’ll really hurt me when someone goes past it. (I also feel more able to say that something doesn’t feel right (yet) when they know it might be because of my ptsd)

        I dont need their pitty, they certainly dont have to stay with me if they dont like me for me (as a friend or girlfriend) but I do want to be respected when I say no, it means no. (I dont even want their pitty, thats exactly why I’m not contacting Abraham. I know he just leaves the door open for me because he promised he would. Not because he wants to or because its good for him)

        I’m happy you found your way in this πŸ™‚ !
        Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it.

        I dont know why, but I do feel I need company. I am good on my own, sometimes I even want to be alone, I just need some time for myself. But not 24/7. I love being around nice people. I love the laughter and the interaction. I love the feeling of being together, feeling united by friendship. My best friend was here last week and I had SUCH a great time. Laughing, talking and just chit chatting with her, eating together.

        And there wasn’t a big level of trust with Randy. At first I told him I do work, 2 days a week, but I’ll tell him more about that later. He accepted it and when I talked to him for a few weeks I told him about my work, which is therapy.

        Thanks for your reply!

        Take care

      • I understand you desire to be around nice people. That is a universal desire I believe; but so many of us have been burned again, and again, that we just slam some of the doors shut and lock them. I think you are a lot younger than me as well, and I know that when I was younger I had more interaction with others, both male and female.
        I get the boundries issue. I think, for me, it would just be a simple, ‘don’t go there’, no explanation as to why, it is just what I don’t want. I don’t feel I owe explanations for why I don’t like certain things or certain touches. I respect them enough to stop if they say ‘no’ and I don’t ask them why. If they offer an explanation, I will listen, and perhaps it will help me not do the same thing again. But, really, if they say no, that is it. I don’t pus it, and in turn I expect to receive the same level of respect from them. If I don’t, whew!, I am gone. The stuff I have been through was hard for me to accept, even after a year or so of therapy. The one person I really wanted to understand and know about what was going on totally dis’d me, my mum, and from that point on, I have never felt the need to peel off the scabs or re-open the wounds where the scars are.
        I love going out to dinner or to a movie with friends and just relaxing. I have been to a few jazz clubs and lounges and felt this relaxation as well.
        Listening to you gut can really save you from a lot of events in which you will look back and realize they were wrong for you. When I got married to my second husband, I didn’t want anyone at the ceremony but the judge (who I knew personally) and a witness. My mum decided she needed to be there, and so I resigned myself to her being there. I even worked the first half of the day, and changed into my rather simple dress (not a wedding dress) at work. I asked my boss for the rest of the day off, and for the next two days as vacation. I never told her what I was doing. I felt a gut feeling, I just kept trying to ignore it. My boss found out before I was due to leave to go to the court house. She didn’t get why I didn’t want people there, and so she called a bunch of people I knew at the court and bought a cake. It became a huge affair. Then while I stood there listening to the judge, my gut was screaming run. I said ‘I do’, and then I was married. That first night I found out why it was so wrong: he had more issue than I had. Seriously! He is a vet from Vietnam and Desert Storm, and he has serious issues with anger, trust, and touch. My gut was right, and that is why I didn’t want anyone at the wedding: I wanted to be able to say ‘no’ if my gut started screaming. But once I had all those people there, I just went ahead. We were married all of 1.5 years, and didn’t even live together for much of that time. His issues got worse, and in the end, he started seriously scaring me. I would wake and find him just standing over me, watching me sleep. He would watch crime shows all day; the kind which discuss how someone almost got away with the perfect crime. He wasn’t taking his medication, he wasn’t taking care of his physical issues, and he wasn’t attending therapy anymore. I finally had enough, told him a divorce was going to be imminent. He fussed a bit, but nothing serious. We got a simple divorce, but then he came all the way from Arizona to Las Vegas to stalk me. He would leave present on my truck, before I left the house for work. So, I know he was somewhere watching me in the morning. Then he tried to get me fired from my law firm. If I would have listened to my gut I would have wrote him off in the beginning stages of the relationship, and that would have been that. That is my best example of my personal gut instincts. See my head kept saying he was strong; he had been through a lot so he would understand my shit; I didn’t want to be alone then either; then I didn’t want to disappoint all those who attended the wedding; and I didn’t want to look stupid if I stopped the wedding. My head was really wrong, my gut was so right.
        If someone asks what you do, you could say you are in school. You are learning stuff each time you go to therapy, right?! He doesn’t have to know what school. I am pretty private since I have had my share, and I think someone else’s, of stalkers.
        Peace

      • Damn 😦 what a heavy example of your gut feeling. I’m sorry…

        I’m an early 90’s kid.

        I do agree the ‘dont go there’ or the ‘stop’ should be enough, really! But people sometimes think youre playing hard to get and stuff, I just wanted to clear that right out.
        When someone misses a toe because of a car accident (I’m just saying something right now) and I’d ask why he/she limps and he/she said I was in a car accident, dont worry, within 5 years I’ll walk normal again. (For instance)
        When someone asks me, why are you crying? Or why did you stop? Why should I be ashamed of my past? (There are certain levels of course, saying you have bad expereince with something makes it more ok than giving the details, because then I’d be too ashamed of myself to ever look that person in the eye again) Why can’t I just say I have ptsd, dont worry in 5 years I’ll do a lot better (for instance). I feel like my mouth is being shut because I should not talk about it. Of course, I wont go screaming it off the roof. But when someone is a good friend or someone I’m seriously dating, I do want to be honest. It’s also the only thing people have been telling me, be honest from the beginning. Then no-one can tell me afterwards ‘you should’ve told me..’

        I guess we differ from strategy on this point, but I dont want you/or other people to think i’m using that as an excuse for people to stay with me. Or that I’m shouting it to everyone for attention or someting like that.

        I could use the school thing indeed, but why won’t I tell them what school it is? A part from the same reason I use to not tell them what kind of work I do. They’d want to know eventually as well. As the work thing.
        I dont want to decline the tips your giving me, I’m sorry if I’m giving you that feeling.

        I see what you mean though, about the drama, haha. This is all getting a little too big for me now. My head might explode because of all the thinking. I’ll just accept I wont get answers right now on what is the right thing to do. I guess everyone has a different way of doing things. I need to do it in a way that I feel comfortable with, but I also need to take my responsibility about what I choose to do and the possible consequenses.

        Take care!

  2. By the way..
    “The part of us that understands the pain we cause others, whether imagined or real, is the PTSD”
    doesn’t that just mean your human? Understanding the pain you cause others and feeling guilty and sorry and sad about it? (in general)

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