CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry πŸ˜‰ ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna

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20 thoughts on “CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

  1. About the cat thing. It didn’t come out of the blue. I had hardly slept for a week, some nights didn’t sleep at all. When I slept, I had the most terrifying nightmares I ever had, I was too scared to sleep. I guess the mortal fear + lack of sleep drove me over the edge and I wans’t able to think clear at all.

  2. Very good you just wrote it all down! Very very good. You HAVE cptsd. You ARE traumatized, you can’t cope well enough (yet!).

    Yes you have cptsd. You can’t deal with stress and most of the time you experience more of it then anyone can handle. (no wonder the few times you don’t feel like dancing and singing. Look how light you are then!)
    It IS complex. That’s what adds to the shittyness of this. You have it and it just sucks bigtime!

    There is hope though. I know people who are finally having a normal life. Who are healed and whole again and live steady lifes. It IS possible. I can’t deny what I have witnessed myself (and what my ratio tells me. I know this and deep down you know it too or else you would have already killed yourself and no one could’ve stopped you from it)

    It is hard. Tell yourself it is hard and that you are allowed to feel all this. You simply are. You are a perfectly normal person who went through abnormal things and is then put back in this ‘normal’ world. You don’t knie how to behave. (no wonder!) You only know how not. So you keep judging yourself…
    Stop it.
    I don’t think any less of you then I did before reading this. I can see through all of this. I like what I see.

    About the dadthing: you just want to understand. The need to understand is so big. I have felt the same way lots of times, wanting to visit them. You need to understand, or at least get back to the not normal life you had, to just be not normal in that life in order for you to tell yourself that it’s ok to feel that way then. You hate it. You hate him. You hate that life. I have no doubts about that. You just need predictableness because this chaos terrifies you (remember you can’t cope with stress?)

    What I’m saying here is that you respond perfectly normal to this abnormal life you had. In terms of PTSD you are perfectly normal. Don’t compare yourself to people who don’t have this history. Have you ever got angry with a dog because it can’t fly? And who knows how hard the dog is trying…

    Breathe Bri. You got it of your chest. Still there. So am I. Take my hand!

    ❀

    • I could cry of happiness that you are still here. That you dont think of me different after reading this.
      “It IS complex. That’s what adds to the shittyness of this.”
      Preach! Huge shittyness that stupid ptsd.

      I’m glad you know people who have healed as well. When I look at you, you are making such good steps into healing as well. I also can’t deny that. And I know I probably haven’t killed myself because I have hope, even if it seems so little and tiny sometimes, it’s still there.

      Thanks, I’m glad I can ‘get’ the confirmation from other people with (c)ptsd and know in the ptsd terms, I’m normal.
      Of couse not 😦 poor dog, its perfect the way it is.

      *takes your hand*
      Thank you so much sweety ❀

      • Look, I’m holding you. You won’t fall πŸ™‚

        It sucks Bri, it really does. But it won’t stay this way forever πŸ™‚

        Trunkload of hugs!!! ❀

        ps, how did you sleep?

      • Thanks so much!
        I did sleep ok πŸ™‚ took a oxazepam, and it took away the sharp edges of my feelings.
        How are you honey? Did you sleep ok?
        Big big big hugs back! πŸ™‚

  3. I can relate to some of your emotions. I have days when I feel so utterly depressed and then others when I am ridiculously happy and it can change so easily if I am triggered by something. I consider myself to be overemotional now but I never used to be when I was younger. I’m also afraid that people will see the sadness through my smile some days because I’m ashamed of what happened to me but at the same time just wish that someone would see through it, call me out on it and take care of me. The mood swings seem to be normal for people with PTSD. Never think that you’re alone because you’re not πŸ™‚
    Stay strong πŸ™‚

  4. Thanks for your comment, I’m sad that you can relatie, but I’m glad we know about it so that we can tell eachother it’s ok and normal to have these mood swings.
    Thanks for understanding, and reminding me I’m not alone!
    Take care!! πŸ™‚

  5. Sounds like you’ve properly taken care of yourself.Well done, Bri! πŸ™‚
    Still making healthy choices here! See! Things already ARE better, still sucking bigtime, but also better than they were before πŸ™‚

    I didn’t sleep well. Busy head and still a little ill. But I’m fine, nothing to worry about. Just blogging in my pj’s, watching the rain outside and about to make tea πŸ™‚

    Lots of hugs!

    • Yes, you are right πŸ™‚ !
      I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well. I’m glad youre taking your rest by blogging in pj’s + tea. I’m glad πŸ™‚ !
      Sounds good btw! i’m going to make some tea as well.
      Big hug!

  6. wow, that was pretty mind blowing to read. Glad you got it out there though, its better not have that bottled in, like my problem. Glad I’m not the only one that’s not afraid to write about how life can be, with diagnosis’s like ours. It can be very difficult to maintain and be in control

  7. Thanks for your comment. I guess I wouldn’t be this open if I didn’t see other people do it as well. So you all encourage me to be honest and open as well.
    You are so right, it can be so difficult. But I guess being open about it, might make it a little better and understandable for others?
    Take care πŸ™‚ !

  8. Flashbacks: Has your team taught you how to separate the flashback from the present time by using relaxation/self-soothing and adding statements that effectively disconnect the flashback from the present time? It begins with belly breathing, grounding yourself in the present moment. Then, statements like: “I am safe right now” and other statements that help you really connect with the differences between your trauma and the present moment.
    I hope they have taught you this. Flashbacks can be very effectively neutralized. Please don’t let anyone make you believe that you have to endlessly live with them. ❀

    • Hmm.. I do know about the statements but thats because my old therapist told me about that.
      Somehow I lose my mind when I’m having flashbacks, and I feel like i’m going insane, which makes it so hard to remember the things I need to do.

      My treatment is really messy, because there are so many things going on, (one of thembeing the flashbacks, something else, the helpless thing which makes me want more individual attention) that most of the things are just not addressed.

      I have to think of something myself to use the tips you described here.

      I’m glad with the confirmation that you dont have to live with them endlessly πŸ™‚ !

      Thanks for your comment!!

  9. I really like what Tamara wrote here. She is totally right!
    I also have these exercises to separate past from present and to lessen the tension of the flashbacks.
    Are you familiar with the dual awareness exercise, Bri?

    ❀

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