Uhm.. Where do I start?
It has been a very intense day (full of therapy). A lot of emotions.
I am still very emotional right now, crying about every little thing.

I had a talk with Betty, we talked about 100 things.. but one thing is still very clear in my mind. For the first time she asked me about the ‘mess’ in my head. She often asks me what is wrong, or other therapists do, and I always tell them its a mess in my head. I did tell her in the beginning of our treatment that I do act childish sometimes and feel childish and stuff, but today she asked what the mess looked like. I told her about Brenda. But also stated very clearly I believe it is not DID. She didn’t agree, but also didn’t disagree.
She did say it might be good to take some new dissociation tests.
I’m just scared… Brenda is too. She asked me about Abraham today, I told her he wasn’t here anymore and that we’d make it on our own. But she started crying, and so did I. Iย felt so alone, and that there’s no one to be strong for me. No one I can talk to, who can tell ME it’ll be alright. I have to tell her, but who will tell me? I just have to believe in myself.

I know people around me believe in me, my best friend, my sister, justeramaajarvi.

I am just really unsure about my future now there. I am in a group for emotional problems (with cptsd), there is another group for dissociation problems (with cptsd). I do see the importance of that group, but I know, and have heard, that group is with people who have DID, and the therapy is focused on having and dealing with DID, sure other people with some dissociation problems can take some tips there, but it isn’t that fitting. I’m just really scared she’ll send me off there.. or even somewhere else.

I just can’t wait any longer, so I’m going to ask her tomorrow over the phone, because I feel really scared about this. Hope she wont feel I’m needy about this now, but I just have to ask her about it. I know she might not be sure about what to do, and stuff, but I just want to hear her thoughts on it. I understand that there’s no clarity about it yet, but she must think something right?

I’m just going with my emotion right now, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. But I can’t drown in it. Just keep swimming.


3 thoughts on “Unsure

  1. Hi sweety,
    I totally understand how you’re feeling. It is ok to feel sad, it is ok to be afraid. I’m very proud of you telling that yourself! That’s a very healthy way of thinking. You can’t be strong always, but you do show a lot of strenght by aknowledging what is going on, why you feel this way and what you want with these feelings and what you don’t want.
    You sound insecure, but strong to me. I’m proud of that!

    Also I think it’s good you are going to phone Betty. I don’t think it’s needy. ๐Ÿ™‚

    And what you wrote is true. We all believe in you! ๐Ÿ™‚
    And we care for you.

    I wish I could send you all these hugs to make you feel a little better, but know that I’m thinking about you. I also did today, because I know it was therapyday. You are not alone


  2. Thanks sweety!
    I didn’t feel strong at all, but looking at it now, I see the strength in my post.
    I called the receptionist, she would email Betty that I had called and ask if she could call me back. So I’m waiting on that right now.
    Thanks so much, I know you’d hug me if you could! ๐Ÿ™‚

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