Uhm.. Where do I start?
It has been a very intense day (full of therapy). A lot of emotions.
I am still very emotional right now, crying about every little thing.
I had a talk with Betty, we talked about 100 things.. but one thing is still very clear in my mind. For the first time she asked me about the ‘mess’ in my head. She often asks me what is wrong, or other therapists do, and I always tell them its a mess in my head. I did tell her in the beginning of our treatment that I do act childish sometimes and feel childish and stuff, but today she asked what the mess looked like. I told her about Brenda. But also stated very clearly I believe it is not DID. She didn’t agree, but also didn’t disagree.
She did say it might be good to take some new dissociation tests.
I’m just scared… Brenda is too. She asked me about Abraham today, I told her he wasn’t here anymore and that we’d make it on our own. But she started crying, and so did I. I felt so alone, and that there’s no one to be strong for me. No one I can talk to, who can tell ME it’ll be alright. I have to tell her, but who will tell me? I just have to believe in myself.
I know people around me believe in me, my best friend, my sister, justeramaajarvi.
I am just really unsure about my future now there. I am in a group for emotional problems (with cptsd), there is another group for dissociation problems (with cptsd). I do see the importance of that group, but I know, and have heard, that group is with people who have DID, and the therapy is focused on having and dealing with DID, sure other people with some dissociation problems can take some tips there, but it isn’t that fitting. I’m just really scared she’ll send me off there.. or even somewhere else.
I just can’t wait any longer, so I’m going to ask her tomorrow over the phone, because I feel really scared about this. Hope she wont feel I’m needy about this now, but I just have to ask her about it. I know she might not be sure about what to do, and stuff, but I just want to hear her thoughts on it. I understand that there’s no clarity about it yet, but she must think something right?
I’m just going with my emotion right now, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. But I can’t drown in it. Just keep swimming.