Hello peeps,

I have had a very weird day. It’s been a while since I’ve been so confused about time and everything. I really don’t know what it is, so for now I’ll call it dissociation, if someone disagrees, feel free to tell me! I really don’t know what it is, hopefully i’ll have time discussing it with Betty monday. 

Well, first thing, I’m very confused.
Basically I know it’s about 2013, and I know my week schedule. Monday; Therapy. Tuesday; Home counselor. Wednesday; Therapy. Thursday; home counselor. Friday; groceries.
I know I’m in my own home, I know this is my home and in what town I am. The date is not that important, the only thing that is important is the day of the week.

That is it, simple as that. But I’m very confused about what day it is. I always have my mobile phone with me, for these kind of things. But when I woke up today I really had no clue of what day it was. Then I saw thursday on my mobile phone and I knew my home counselor (I’ll call her Polly) is coming over at 1 pm. So I was really tired, I guess because of therapy yesterday, but it stays with me the next day, the tired-ness. So I slept till 12.45 pm and got out of bed, but Polly never came. So at 01.20 pm I texted her about our appointment, but she never answered, so I got really insecure and called my mom to asked about what day it is. She didn’t pick up her phone. My phone still said its Thursday. I was VERY confused, at 1.45 I send her a text saying ‘I guess today’s appointment is off, the next one in my agenda is next thursday at 12 pm, is that correct?’ Within 5 minutes I got a text back saying ‘That’s correct, see you then’. So uhhh what about today’s appointment, did I dream it? Was she here but did I dissociate? I don’t even know. 😦 

Then I saw on Facebook someone congratulating a Mary (Which is my mothers name) so then I went; SHIT its her birthday and I forgot 😦 damn!!….. oh wait.. then its my birthday too? (we’re born on the same day) how old am I ? Then I saw the last name of that Mary wasn’t the same as my moms.. so I calmed down.

This is about the big confusing stuff. 
There were little things like my front door being locked (I never lock it, when I’m at home) so that was weird. My security blanket lying somewhere I would never leave it. It’s just something odd, all explainable by things I must have forgotten, but they’re so out of my routine stuff, that it’s just impossible to do that while I am me (Brianna)

So.. besides that. I’ve lost a lot of time during the day. Just gone. 
My mom picked me up around 6 pm to go eat somewhere, but I needed some groceries so we went to the supermarket first. Before I left, I knew Brenda was being annoying. However she kept pushing me away to take over (this is way I KNOW I do not have DID/DIS), sometimes when she ‘takes over’, I know she does. I’m still there, I just can’t do anything about it. So I know, I went into the car, sat next to my mom, and started whining about everything. You know, I have NO idea what she’s whining about or what she’s thinking, it’s just annoying for me to be aware of me acting like that my mom asking ‘whats wrong?’ and me (Brenda) saying; i don’t know. The whole ride to the supermarket she/i was restless, stretching legs, pulling them, turning my head, ticking with my fingers etc. I know restless-ness is a sign of me that I do not feel well (mentally). Brenda kept moaning and sighing and crying softly and saying ‘I don’t want to/no/i dont know/please no/mummy please’ and it was somewhere triggering me because I can imagine what she must have felt or thought or relived. Its weird I guess to explain, but Brenda controls 2/3 of me and I control 1/3. I did get the upper hand back eventually, but by then I am exhausted. I feel very powerless, acting like that and not being able to do anything. I literally can’t break through. When I’m at home (alone), this happens a lot, but then its ok. She can just go whine and drag me with her, lie on the couch/in bed, talking like a small child etc. But when there is someone else around me, I fight my best to keep her in the back as much as possible, but when she breaks through, I fight and fight to get back the control, but I just can’t 😦 it makes me feel so helpless and makes me (Brianna) want to cry and crawl into bed. 
This is a situation where I am able to see and know what I am doing/saying but not able to influence it.
I do have moments where I black out totally.

It’s so hard to explain. I’m still very tired.

I just don’t know what to do about it. Except give in into what Brenda wants, which is lying in bed with my security blanket and let a tear out every now and then. But sometimes I’m not in a place where I can do that. 

It makes me doubt what the hell is wrong with me?

Like my last blog post, I said I wanted to sit on the ground and cry till someone would pick me up. I know that’s what Brenda wants. But I have the upper hand so I can be like ‘no we wont do that’. Sigh… you know, I don’t even know whats going on anymore. 

Its Thursday right? Yeah.. my laptop says it is. 

Gonna go to bed early today. Hopefully I’ll feel more rested tomorrow. 


ps, It’s happening again! Well, that weird stuff. My head is very cloudy. I feel a little stoned :/ but not funny-like. Like I took my crisis medication. I’m getting restless and stuff.  Jesus. What the actual hell? Just stop!!!!!!! 


8 thoughts on “Dissociation?

  1. Thinking about deleting this.. 😦 I dont know anymore. I feel like freak here. I know other people experience real dissociation and I dont think they are freaks!!!!!!!! But I do have a hard time following them.
    Brandon once said this childish thing in me will never go away, that everyone has it. Thats not really hopefull 😦
    Also someone (a very wise woman) said to me that CPTSD can signify you acting like child because you havent grown up emotionally.
    Sorry but what is going on? I am really confused 😦 Right now I (Brianna. Why am I even giving names? Brenda is me as well, she’s just a stupid/ridiculous part of me) what the hell. How can I be an adult (and to be honest, not feeling anything, just be rational) and sometimes be so whiny and childish and cranky the next time? And sometimes even be so agressive (verbally) I dont even recognize myself anymore?
    This are the moodswings right? Childish-mood, agressive-mood, numb/rational-mood.
    Everyone has them. (But why doesn’t everyone need therapy for these moods 😦 ? )

  2. Hi Bri,
    I’m going to tell you what I think is happening. I think you are dissociating. I think therapyday+ your growth+ lots of impressions and intense hights (like meeting with your best friend again after such a long time) and some downs+ possibly reading my triggering stuff and who knows what others things, were just too much to handle.
    Your mind shuts down. Because you are insecure about things and because you (or Brenda) like being in control, you feel this panicky “what’s wrong with me feeling” which basically just adds up to your full harddrive which is sending you all these warnings: No more, I need to be shut down and reboot (I think that was why you felt so so tired yesterday). This panicky feeling is so strong that it forces it’s way through your cloudiness.

    All things you wrote down here are signs of dissociation, It means you need to step back. Tell yourself you are safe, it’s 2013, ground in the here and now and go to bed (which you are planning to do, good!). You need your rest. You need to give your system time to reboot.

    About the Brenda thing; It’s your childpart. I told you before about the ‘freeze in time’ in your normal emotional childhood development. This is what you’re experiencing here. I too believe it’s no DID. It’s just a part of you that isn’t proper taken care of and that tries to get enough attention to at least be not forgotten.
    Just tell yourself it is what is.

    Sweet dreams! Don’t fight it and don’t be afraid. You’ll feel better after some rest!
    Take good care and lots of hugs!

  3. Sigh.. typed a whole thing here and it somehow got deleted -___________-.

    Ahwell, strike 2.

    Thanks for your comment sweety!
    I had a very loong and good sleep! Hope you did too!
    I’m glad you agree on that its not DID but just a childish part of ME. However I do wonder how other people deal with this? Brandon said its normal to have a childish part in you, he has it as well, everyone has it. So how do they function normal? Why dont they come out? Or how do they stop them? And even when they stop them, Brenda can drive me crazy with her crying etc.
    I once discussed it with my previous therapist, and she came up with the whole DID thing. So I got terrified, because I know its not DID, but she thought I was in denial. I was supposed to do some tests which could determine if I have DID or not, but I got reffered to the place where I am now before I took those tests. She did tell them about the dissociation part, and they were worried about that in the beginning of my treatment (maybe I should go to a group with dissociation troubles, right now I’m in one with emotional troubles).
    I dont want Betty or Brandon to come up with the whole DID thing, so I havent talked to them about this that much. Just said there’s some childish needs i have and they said its normal.
    Sorry, but I dont want to live with Brenda the rest of my life.. She can just get the hell out right now. Its annoying not to have full control over what I do and say. Its sometimes a real fight between her and me who gets to call the shots.
    Anyway, I’m having a hard time accepting what it is. But right now, I dont have any other option. However, I really want to get rid of her as soon as possible.
    So, this was my twaddle.
    Thanks for you comment and thoughts on it!
    Big hugs!

  4. Hi Bri! 🙂

    I don’t think it’s DID because you are stating very clearly that you’re aware of these parts being present (and/or in control).
    However, I’m not a psychologist, so I can’t give you full clarity about this. When you’re in doubt, it’s always good to speak it through with your therapist (although I understand why you don’t feel like that).

    I shall tell you what I think about this:
    Like I said I think it’s just the childpart of you acting up. I think you named that part, because that gives you a feeling of control about it. (I will come back to why I think you need control this way later in this post) I also think the name you’ve chosen for that part tells something about what it represents (is that true?).

    Other people do have childparts too, but because they had this good devolopment into adulthood, without having to miss essential needs, the parts aren’t yelling ‘Hello I’m here!’ like your Brenda. It’s more like having these traits that are part of your personality. You then see childparts in certain behavior. For example the 46 year old dad of a boy who almost enjoys playing with cars more then his own son, making sounds and all. Do you get what I’m saying here? People aren’t as aware of these parts, because these parts already had the attention they needed during normal development.

    With you it’s different. You had this bad childhood. I told you about the developmental freeze you have experienced. Your childparts still need to be taken care of.

    From what you’ve told about Brenda she’s either doing on of these two things. She cries and feels helpless and demands to be taken care of, or she’s just there like someone being in the same room, although not speaking up; just being there. Right?

    I believe Brenda stands for all the emotions you need to reprocess. All the hurt. Brenda is the part of you that hasn’t had closure, that hasn’t had to have the chance to mourn, so she keeps saying: I’m hurt I’m hurt I’m hurt, help!

    It’s interesting what you say about your adultpart just being rational and then having Brenda just being emotional. I believe it’s just you, but because you needed to separate feeling and thinking during the abuse, you don’t know how to bring this together.
    For me too it’s very hard to feel. I could either be all rational about things or feel and then it was just so intense. I did however learn a lot about feeling and it is getting better. I can in fact combine the two now. Not always, but there’s a start.

    You experience not having full control over what you do or say because you are used to feeling controlled by something or somebody. The toxic relationship between an abuser and his victim never ends when it physically ends, it always continues in your head. Because you didn’t know what else to do and because these (Brenda) feelings are so intense it’s like she’s taking over. Do you understand me here?

    Then the namegiving thing again. I think you did need the control to keep it separated. Bringing it together might possibily lead to a break down, because you have all this pain inside you and you don’t have good enough ways to cope with it.

    I think for you being in the emotions group is good, because when you learn how to handle emotions and how to healthy be one, you will stop dissociating and having this Brenda part acting up.

    As a last thing I wanted to ask you if there is another part in you also that represents your abuser. Because that too can feel as a different part, although it’s just you still being controlled by what happened. (I had that too, but with EMDR it’s almost completely gone [so yes that’s possible! =D])

    I hope I gave you some of the answers you searched for.

    Take good care sweety,
    Lots of hugs

    • Hi sweety,
      I’m stunned by your intelligence, really wow!
      You definetly gave me the answers I searched for! It feels a lot more logical to me now!
      The name definetly represents something. Brianna (me) looks like Brenda. You know my real name, well her real name is a lot like mine, but just a name you would give a child when she’s small. So you have a good point there!
      Yes, either she’s demanding attention, by crying and stuff. Or she’s just randomly (brabbelen noem ik het) chatting, nothing important.

      I so know what you mean about either being rational or feeling everything so intense you just drown in it, it seems impossible to stay alive while feeling that.. its sounds exageratting, but it really feels I just can’t survive while I feel that emotion (why I used to cut to make it go away)

      I dont really understand the part where youre talking about the abuser part that never ends and then why it feels like Brenda is taking over.
      Maybe I’m just too confused in general to focuss on what you wrote. It asks for a little bit more concentration I guess.

      I’m glad you think the emotion group is good for me. I’ve been doubting it a lot, but in general I do believe the emotional part is my biggest struggle. Without being so emotional felxible, I wouldn’t dissociate.. right?

      Yeah, again you hit me with what you said. There is this ‘voice’ (mine of course, but it doesn’t sound like me) I call him Peter, I dont know why, but he does only say destructive things.
      I’m glad you got that voice sorted out with EMDR! I really am 🙂 !

      Take good care as wel sweety!
      Big hug

  5. Hi dear,
    is this the part you didn’t understand?
    “You experience not having full control over what you do or say because you are used to feeling controlled by something or somebody. The toxic relationship between an abuser and his victim never ends when it physically ends, it always continues in your head. Because you didn’t know what else to do and because these (Brenda) feelings are so intense it’s like she’s taking over. Do you understand me here?”

  6. Hi sweety,
    Yes I meant that part. Hmm.. Do you mean that beacuse I am used to feeling nothing and just pushing everything away, everytime I do feel something (which I call Brenda) it feels like she’s taking over? While its just my feelings which are breaking through?

  7. Exactly, that’s what I mean.
    You just aren’t acommodated yet to feeling and being whole. You keep living the life you know; where you had to separate those things and also where you had to give the control to someone else. Because your feeling is alienated it’s almost like you’re repeating familiar paterns by allowing another (Brenda in this case) to control you (or just be stronger then you are).
    You need to meet the needs of your childpart in order to become whole again and you have to realize that it’s all you and that you are in control now.

    Do you understand me better now? 🙂

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