I have had a very weird day. It’s been a while since I’ve been so confused about time and everything. I really don’t know what it is, so for now I’ll call it dissociation, if someone disagrees, feel free to tell me! I really don’t know what it is, hopefully i’ll have time discussing it with Betty monday.
Well, first thing, I’m very confused.
Basically I know it’s about 2013, and I know my week schedule. Monday; Therapy. Tuesday; Home counselor. Wednesday; Therapy. Thursday; home counselor. Friday; groceries.
I know I’m in my own home, I know this is my home and in what town I am. The date is not that important, the only thing that is important is the day of the week.
That is it, simple as that. But I’m very confused about what day it is. I always have my mobile phone with me, for these kind of things. But when I woke up today I really had no clue of what day it was. Then I saw thursday on my mobile phone and I knew my home counselor (I’ll call her Polly) is coming over at 1 pm. So I was really tired, I guess because of therapy yesterday, but it stays with me the next day, the tired-ness. So I slept till 12.45 pm and got out of bed, but Polly never came. So at 01.20 pm I texted her about our appointment, but she never answered, so I got really insecure and called my mom to asked about what day it is. She didn’t pick up her phone. My phone still said its Thursday. I was VERY confused, at 1.45 I send her a text saying ‘I guess today’s appointment is off, the next one in my agenda is next thursday at 12 pm, is that correct?’ Within 5 minutes I got a text back saying ‘That’s correct, see you then’. So uhhh what about today’s appointment, did I dream it? Was she here but did I dissociate? I don’t even know. 😦
Then I saw on Facebook someone congratulating a Mary (Which is my mothers name) so then I went; SHIT its her birthday and I forgot 😦 damn!!….. oh wait.. then its my birthday too? (we’re born on the same day) how old am I ? Then I saw the last name of that Mary wasn’t the same as my moms.. so I calmed down.
This is about the big confusing stuff.
There were little things like my front door being locked (I never lock it, when I’m at home) so that was weird. My security blanket lying somewhere I would never leave it. It’s just something odd, all explainable by things I must have forgotten, but they’re so out of my routine stuff, that it’s just impossible to do that while I am me (Brianna)
So.. besides that. I’ve lost a lot of time during the day. Just gone.
My mom picked me up around 6 pm to go eat somewhere, but I needed some groceries so we went to the supermarket first. Before I left, I knew Brenda was being annoying. However she kept pushing me away to take over (this is way I KNOW I do not have DID/DIS), sometimes when she ‘takes over’, I know she does. I’m still there, I just can’t do anything about it. So I know, I went into the car, sat next to my mom, and started whining about everything. You know, I have NO idea what she’s whining about or what she’s thinking, it’s just annoying for me to be aware of me acting like that my mom asking ‘whats wrong?’ and me (Brenda) saying; i don’t know. The whole ride to the supermarket she/i was restless, stretching legs, pulling them, turning my head, ticking with my fingers etc. I know restless-ness is a sign of me that I do not feel well (mentally). Brenda kept moaning and sighing and crying softly and saying ‘I don’t want to/no/i dont know/please no/mummy please’ and it was somewhere triggering me because I can imagine what she must have felt or thought or relived. Its weird I guess to explain, but Brenda controls 2/3 of me and I control 1/3. I did get the upper hand back eventually, but by then I am exhausted. I feel very powerless, acting like that and not being able to do anything. I literally can’t break through. When I’m at home (alone), this happens a lot, but then its ok. She can just go whine and drag me with her, lie on the couch/in bed, talking like a small child etc. But when there is someone else around me, I fight my best to keep her in the back as much as possible, but when she breaks through, I fight and fight to get back the control, but I just can’t 😦 it makes me feel so helpless and makes me (Brianna) want to cry and crawl into bed.
This is a situation where I am able to see and know what I am doing/saying but not able to influence it.
I do have moments where I black out totally.
It’s so hard to explain. I’m still very tired.
I just don’t know what to do about it. Except give in into what Brenda wants, which is lying in bed with my security blanket and let a tear out every now and then. But sometimes I’m not in a place where I can do that.
It makes me doubt what the hell is wrong with me?
Like my last blog post, I said I wanted to sit on the ground and cry till someone would pick me up. I know that’s what Brenda wants. But I have the upper hand so I can be like ‘no we wont do that’. Sigh… you know, I don’t even know whats going on anymore.
Its Thursday right? Yeah.. my laptop says it is.
Gonna go to bed early today. Hopefully I’ll feel more rested tomorrow.
ps, It’s happening again! Well, that weird stuff. My head is very cloudy. I feel a little stoned but not funny-like. Like I took my crisis medication. I’m getting restless and stuff. Jesus. What the actual hell? Just stop!!!!!!!