So I am very tired. I had therapy from 9 am till 4 pm. So I left the house at 8 am and came home at 5 pm. Its save to say that I was and am exhausted, I did sleep a little till 7 pm. Now I’m back on my rule that I can go to bed at 9.30 pm 🙂
It was an intense day at therapy. A lot of emotions. Brenda was having a hard time as well.
I had a talk with Brandon. As I recall, he thinks I’m doing very well. He’s glad I’m way more open than before and he’s able to talk to me on an adult level.
I did tell him at the beginning of our conversation I felt like crying and throwing the table around, and just fall on the floor and sit there till someone picks me up. He said ‘well, then why wont you cry?’ Well.. it didn’t feel ok. I know I am allowed to cry at home and I feel save enough here.
We actually talked about a lot. After the group therapy I felt tired, and a little weak (as in, not able to do this anymore etc) when I was standing outside (after the talk with Brandon) I did feel a little better.
One thing I do find difficult to explain to others and to deal with myself, is my mood swings.
How do I deal with them? I just go with the flow, when I’m feeling suicidal, (like last Sunday) it’s very difficult to understand that it’ll go over, because to me then there’s nothing left to fight for anymore. Well obviously there is, otherwise I wouldn’t be here anymore huh 😉 But when I’m happy, I do realize, it doesn’t take much for my mood to swing.
I go with the flow, I don’t even try to regulate my emotions, it feels impossible, I just try to remember when it crashed down, it’ll fly up again eventually. This is hard enough to think let alone believe, but I do think its possible.
For the people around me it’s even harder to see my mood swing like that. Last Sunday for instance, I went from suicidal to feeling okay, within 5 minutes. It must have switched back and forth for about 4 times. It’s very confusing for people. I don’t even know what really changed my mood back up. Back down, probably my thoughts and me being negative. I don’t even try to stop it, I can’t right now.
However, I do get the feeling my mood swings are visible in my blog posts, so I kind of feel the need to write about this now. Half of the time, I’m not aware of what happens why my mood changes so drastically. I am annoyed by it, of course, however I don’t think it helps to put all my energy in hating it, while I can also put that energy in trying to swing it back up maybe. Of course, hating the mood swings is an easy road, however I get tired and even more down from it. Trying to use that irritation/energy into something positive, is VERY difficult and not something that I think of instantly. I really do have to be reminded about it right now.
I do realize its confusing for the people around me. A friend of mine, I do Skype with him a lot, for about 2 hours a day, and he can see my mood swing all over the place. He’s confused by it, because he’s like ‘what happened?’ and to be frank… I don’t know. I’m just feeling sad. Then suddenly I start jumping up and down on my couch and making jokes, and then he’s like ‘huh? what happened?’ and to be frank… I still don’t know. I’m just enjoying my happiness as long as its here.
Dont get me wrong, I don’t like my mood swings, but I just try to go with them instead of fighting them. I don’t know if that’s the right way, but for me it is now.
I understand the confusion, I can be 100% positive in the morning and really negative in the afternoon. Which I guess can be seen a little by my blog posts. I do think it can be a common symptom with CPTSD, so I guess I want to show you guys it swings back up as well. I don’t have a control over it. Maybe some recognition for some other people. Or maybe just some explanation.
Things that can make a/my mood swing are for instance; seeing something (the news, a shadow, a leaf, a spider, a colour, a person, a man, a car, a facial expression etc), thinking something (50% of the time unknowingly), smelling something, feeling something. Basically, its everything what my senses pick up, most of the things I do believe I’m not aware of what makes my mood swing, so it’ll seem out of the blue, even for me, but I don’t think it is. It’s just that it can be a very small thing, hardly noticeable, just noticeable enough for me to set me off without me even realizing it.
Well, that’s enough for now.
Gonna go to bed soon and just recharge 😉 !