I left my house at 8 am this morning. Got back at 6 pm.
Just had dinner and now.. im SO tired.
But wanted to write this stuff down for myself right now. Get it off my chest.
Group therapy was ok. Nothing special.
Then I had my talk with Betty. She got some drinks, and when she came back she said I looked scared. I said that I was just nervous. She asked why, and we got to talking. About how I somehow lose the strength to do it alone. She is wondering still if a clinical treatment is better right now.. is that because she things I’m not strong enough? I guess it’s because I have no-one around as well. Just my mum.
Me and my mum? Not too well.
Betty did manage to make me cry again, haha. She should get an award for that 😉 I know she means well though, so I’m not mad.
A little background information again;
When I was born I used to cry like crazy. The nurse in the hospital told my mother that I don’t breathe properly when I cry (well baby’s scream right?) so she had to watch out, cause I might choke or something like that. So she got this emergency number and took me home. She was depressed by the way, I guess because of the labour/pregnancy. So she took me home, but whenever I started crying, she’d come to me directly and do anything to just stop me from crying. This basically never stopped. I have been told that baby’s reflect feelings of their parents. So when a baby is smiling, the parent will (most likely) smile back and be happy that the baby is smiling. So that is a sign to the baby that smiling is happy? I don’t know if I got it right, its how I understood it. When a baby cries, their mom/dad picks him/her up and comforts him. Telling the baby it’ll be alright and stuff. When I cried, my mum would get terrified (because I might choke) and I probably picked up the scared-ness from her, and started seeing my emotions as something scary.
Did I get it right? Well, I don’t know, I guess.
My mum continued to comfort me whenever I reached out to her. Just for her to make me stop crying, to stop the emotion from being there. I am used to this since I was pooped out. So now people are telling me to feel my emotion, and I’m just like ‘what the hell? that’s scary ass shit yo. So I’m just gonna block it, and when I can’t, I’ll call my mum. She’ll help me block the emotion (by giving me a razor for instance) and then we’ll be both happy’
However, this doesn’t work. I’m so dependent of my mum, it’s not even funny anymore. It never was though.
This all is very weird for me. Because I can remember me crying numberous times, alone, in my bed, under my desk, wherever, because I felt so alone and misunderstood.
I do wonder, well I have been told, that I got through my abuse because of me turning away from the situation. Maybe a form of dissociation or just a huge fantasy. At least, I was not connected to the body that was being abused. I didn’t feel a thing. Just blocked everything right out. Most of all, there are a lot of black holes in my memory. Sometimes I must have blocked out big parts.
One time, I must have been 6/7 years old. My dad was beating me. I didn’t cry though. I learned to surrender and wait till he’s done and after that find a ‘save’ place to break down. However, I do remember that specific moment. My mum was sitting (depressed as always) on the couch, and I looked at her (I was lying on the ground) while my dad was beating me. She looked directly into my eyes. To me, I was screaming ‘HELP ME!’ through my eyes. However, I don’t think she got the message cause she turned her head away.
After a lot of these scenario’s I went to my room, or wherever, and cried. Sometimes not though… I’d just crawl back into my imagination and pretend nothing happened.
Things like this make it VERY hard for me to believe I am spoiled, which I actually am because at some point (well when its convenient to her) she would do anything to stop me from crying or being angry. So yes, I am spoiled. But I do feel the part where she ‘neglected’ me, or where she should’ve helped me, she didn’t.
There were tons of situations where she was around when my dad was beating us/me and she didn’t do a thing. However, that specific time, I looked right into her eyes. Never again.
I am so hurt. Betty and the family therapist (who I’ll call Trudy) keep saying how my mum spoiled me and should have limit me and just let me be angry and sad without doing anything to stop me. Well….. sure… but how about all the MILLION other times I died inside huh? I feel ignored. Unimportant. It doesn’t matter.
Betty told me whenever I call her (while she’s working but I don’t have therapy there) she feels like I want something from her. I want her to stop the pain directly. But she can’t do that. She isn’t going to do that, because she thinks I should endure the pain, go through it. She feels bad about it, because she knows what I want, and what I long for but she just can’t give it to me. She said ‘it gives me a cold feeling, because I know you’re hurting so bad and I can’t help you with that, you have to do it alone’.
So I also had this talk with Trudy and my mum from 3.30 till 4.30 and we made a new agreement. Whenever I am feeling down, I can contact her, but she isn’t allowed to help. She can say to me ‘I’m sorry Bri, that you’re feeling like that. What are you going to do about it?’ But not help me, can’t come over, cant comfort me, nothing.
I do see this is better in the long run. I’ll comfort myself, and learn to deal with things on my own.
But the unfair-ity of everything hits me so hard. I’m so angry. Mostly at my mum. I feel I’m this pathetic mess because of her. I do realize I am placing blame right now, but I’m just too pissed not to. I do feel left alone by her. I try not to be too sad about it. Talk to myself that it’ll be alright. But I’m doubting it will… But I gotta get up and try
I am going to try to make some contacts in my town. The only way I know how, using the internet. Just be firm with the nasty old guys who always approach me and hope to find a friend. Not a friend to share the shit with. But a friend to do something fun. Some contact. And hopefully more than 1 friend.
Brenda is so sad. But she’s just sad. Not crying. It scares me… because I do feel her pain, yet she’s quiet about it.
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair.
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer,
And someday, someone will see how much I care.
It’s true. Someday, someone will see how much I care. And love me for that.. not just be scared by it.
I’ll be just fine (right?)